Moldy Cheese

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Moldy Cheese
The Moldus Magificus Maximo in its natural habitat; a plate
Scientific classification
KingdomCanada and Refrigerator
PhylumThings that eat you
GenusThings that are cold
SpeciesThings that REALLY eat you
Binomial name
Cheese with Mold
Primary armamentCheesiness
Secondary armamentMoldiness
Power supplyEat and grow
IntelligenceMore than Cheese
WeightSomething you don't like
Special attackEats Emoes and People
Conservation status
Eating People

The creation of Moldy Cheese simply starts as this, and nothing more, nothing less. Moldy cheese originates from regular cheese when it gets too old and dies, giving birth to a new, more evil form of life: Moldy Cheese. Unlike cheese, who's deliciousness is superb, Moldy Cheese seeks to destroy all who try to consume it. Its moldy badness will eat you from the inside out unless you attack first with milk. Milk is one of the few things feared by Moldy Cheese as regular cheese is made of milk and goodness and Moldy Cheese is essentially undead, evil cheese, and therefore not at all milky.

How to Identify Moldy Cheese[edit | edit source]

Moldy cheese is often recognized early on by refrigerator-goers by the blue and white spots that form on a piece of delicious cheese. It is because of these spots that allows for the refrigerator-goers to toss out the cheese but, little known to them, this cheese will come back to eat them as Moldy Cheese!!

The easiest way to identify a lump of moldy cheese is to look at it's disgusting massive blob-i-ness and make sure that it has little white hairs poking out of its body. Beware of the fuzzy soft fur, it will deceive you, with it's dastardly appetite. Moldy Cheese also has two glowing red eyes somewhere, typically toward the top of the green-blue-furry mound which should be particularly avoided.

Things That Cannot Stop Moldy Cheese[edit | edit source]

  • Guns
  • Nukes
  • Cheese
  • Swords
  • Knives
  • Daggers
  • People
  • Adolf Hitler
  • You

Things That Can Stop Moldy Cheese[edit | edit source]

Where to Find Moldy Cheese[edit | edit source]

You can more than likely find Moldy Cheese in the harsh winter-land that is Canada where they prey on those poor Canadians and Mounties. It is here that is the best environment for Moldy Cheese to grow and multiply for the simple reason that it's cold and it's the biggest thing that's as cold as a cozy refrigerator. Do not be fooled by the Moldy Cheese's white fuzzy camouflage.

Mouldy cheese is evil

Moldy Cheese as a Pet[edit | edit source]

“How much moldy cheese must a man eat down, before they call him a man?”

Although it goes against all regulations and the safety of your bowels, you can have Moldy Cheese as a pet and although it is likely it will eat you in the first five minutes of ownership, go right ahead.

You must first unwrap and expose your cheese to the open air and stick it in the refrigerator. It must sit there for months on end before showing any signs of intelligence. The amount of time depends on the type of cheese. Once you have your baby Moldy Cheese, it will start growing. It is best to feed it at this keen time to make it accelerate. (Refer to Eats). Be sure to make your Moldy Cheese as large as possible (largest on record is about 523 lbs). Unlike regular cheese, Moldy Cheese does not need to be eaten to become active.

Eats[edit | edit source]

  • Emoes
  • People
  • Communists
  • Canadians
  • Grues
  • Random items found in your fridge and living room
  • Adolf Hitler
  • You
  • your mom
  • that random dude in the back-alley selling zaza
  • nutsacks

Doesn't Eat[edit | edit source]

Do-s[edit | edit source]

  • Keep Moldy Cheese out of a cage
  • Let Moldy Cheese grow and multiply
  • Let Moldy Cheese feed you to it's spawn
  • Let Moldy Cheese eat everyone you know and love
  • Let Moldy Cheese frolic about and use your insides like a trampeline
  • Worship Moldy Cheese

Don't-s[edit | edit source]

Not even close to being ready.
  • Cage Moldy Cheese
  • Hurt Moldy Cheese
  • Offend Moldy Cheese
  • Neglect Moldy Cheese
  • Forget about Moldy Cheese

If you have read this guide, aren't dead yet, and decide to follow it, you're well on your way to being a proud owner of your Moldy Cheese. Don't forget to feed it two Emoes a day or it won't grow up to be a big, strong Moldy Cheese.

See also[edit | edit source]

The 12 Fundamental Cheesess
*Not to be confused with "Holey" Cheese
The 3 Noble Cheeses
*Also known as "Negative Cheese" or "Dark Dematta"