Zombie Cheese
Zombie cheese is created when Green Cheese is left to fester for a little too long. When this happens, the cheese looses its killing stench, and engulfs the nearest thing to it, be that apples, biscuits, or (heaven forbid) generic cereal, destroying it entirely and adding it to its mass. This cycle repeats itself many times until the cheese has either engulfed everything on the shelf, been doused with holy water, or been sent to the moon.
The first known instance of Zombie cheese in Western culture was on the person of That guy who sat behind you in 10th grade English class. Even though he was unaware of the growing disturbance, his fellow classmates allowed him to go untreated, providing only the occasional stifled giggle and finger pointing.
Life Cycle of Zombie Cheese[edit | edit source]
When a Zombie Cheese first appears, it latches on to the nearest food product to it. It then turns all the molecules of the food "cheesey", thus allowing it to be added to the mass of Zombie Cheese. The larger mass seeks out the closest food products to it and does the same thing. This is about the time that somebody will find it. If not, the entire shelf will be engulfed, and the Zombie Cheese will go into a hibernation state.
What To Do With Zombie Cheese[edit | edit source]
Zombie Cheese, if found, must immediately be sprayed with holy water (or wine, the toxins are quite similar) which will turn it into Swiss Cheese (this is how it was invented) or send the cheese to the moon where it will become green moon cheese, the foulest of all cheeses ever known, and stay in limbo for eternity.
Uses For Zombie Cheese[edit | edit source]
Zombie cheese is part of the new MIRACLE diet that guarantees that YOU MIGHT lose some weight by eating it. However, most of this weight will be lost due to the zombie cheese eating your internal organs.
Zombie cheese is also an excellent repellant of insects, politicians, and current affairs shows.
Zombie Cheese In Pop Culture[edit | edit source]
Zombie cheese is set to play part a big in the new series of What Not To Wear.
Joe Biden’s brain is mostly formed of zombie cheese and bananas.
Zombie cheese comes out of your butt and is smelly if you put it in the toilet. You might need to light a torch in there.
If you eat zombie cheese, you might experience nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, DIARRHEA.
Zombie cheese might try to eat you, keep your distance if you experience diarrhea or major poop disorder (M.P.D) you might be entitled to financial compensation.
If you find zombie cheese DO NOT shoot it, nuke it, hurt its feelings, put it in a toilet, or pee on it.
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The 12 Fundamental Cheesess | |||
Holy*
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| *Not to be confused with "Holey" Cheese | ||||
| The 3 Noble Cheeses | ||||
| *Also known as "Negative Cheese" or "Dark Dematta" | ||||