Gordon Brown

Gordon Brown
Cyclops – the one-eyed Jock

Born	20 February 1951 Giffnok, Scotland
Party:	Labour, sometimes UKIP if the papers were inclined
Career:	Sarah Brown (since 2000)
Alma Mater:	University of Edinburgh
Religion:	Church of Scotland (Only to score points against Peter Mandleson's sophistry and evil)
Signature:
Prime Minister of the United Kingdom
Term of office:	27 June 2007 – 11 May 2010
Preceded by:	Tony Blair
Succeeded by:	David Cameron/Lord Ashcroft/Posh Wanker/George Osborne
Chancellor of the Exchequer
Term of office:	2 May 1997 – 27 June 2007
Preceded by:	Kenneth Clarke
Succeeded by:	Alistair Darling
Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer
Term of office:	18 July 1992 – 2 May 1997
Preceded by:	John Smith
Succeeded by:	Kenneth Clarke
Shadow Secretary of State for Trade
Term of office:	13 May 1985 – 18 July 1992
Preceded by:	Robin Cook
Succeeded by:	Harriet Harman

“Scotland doesn't want him, England doesn't want him, how do you spell failure, one eye or two?”

– Oscar Wilde on Gordon Brown

The Decidedly Dishonourable Comrade Chairman James Gordon Molotov-Ribbentrop No More Boom And Bust Jings Crivvens Helpmaboab Brown of the Politburo, known to members of his Party as Glorious Leader and to the public as Gordzilla, Lord Protector of the Bonuses, and/or Cyclops – the one-eyed Jock, has a face like a smacked arse. It is thought that where most people have one bullet with their name on it, he has twelve ... million. He is a British Member of Parliament serving you since 1983, and was the main resident of Number 10 Rillington Place until 11 May 2010, when he was cast back into the gloomy chasm that initially spawned him.

During his time in Parliament, he has held the posts of Keeper of the Fondue Set, Her Majesty's Beloved Holder of the Door, and in Tony Blair's Manual Labour government was Money Keeper and Gold Merchant and Mo Mowlam's bit on the side. He is no longer Prime Minister, having decided to spend more time with his family after the 2010 General Election. Previously he was allowed to put his feet up wherever he liked (usually ministers and assistants).

Richard Dawkins' impassioned rants against the existence of God were proven wrong when on May 10th, Gordon Brown announced his decision to step down as leader of the party. Nonetheless, with David Cameron, a pompous Etonian cunt now playing the role of Prime Minister, surely the title will revert back to its rightful owners in the Conservative Party, right?

Biography

Early years

An early experiment in genetic engineering, Gordon was the bastard-child on an unholy pairing of Jeremy Beadle and Stalin's second cousin, Igor. Upon his birth, he was immediately moved to the House of Commons, where he had been elected in utero to represent Kirkaldy and Cowdenbeath (part of Fife) as a sperm. Before Gordon's ability to speech deteriorated to the dull mumble it is today, he was a very good representative for Fife, and in fact quality of life in Fife increased two hundred per cent. This increase may have been partly due to a linking road being created between Fife and anywhere else, alas nobody will ever know. Although there in mind (for lack of a better word) Gordon was not recognised officially as MP until 9 June 1983 at age 33 when they thought it would be good for a laugh.

In his youth, Gordon "Shite" Brown dearly enjoyed football, until he lost an eye in a duel with a local boy whose father had allegedly voted for the Tories. Having been beaten, loosing an eye and being buggered royally, Brown qualified for the rugby team. It is not known why he does that weird thing with his mouth but it has been suggested that he is allergic to the bullshit he spews in profuse quantities. However, there is some recent evidence that this may be a little known psychological problem called "air fellatio" (similar to air guitar) performed to assure the special relationship with the USA; in particular carrying on Tony Bliar's service to George W. Bush.

During a short recess in Parliament, Golden Brown Turd obtained his Bachelors Degree in Stealth Taxation, his Masters in petulance and a Doctorate in Witchcraft. He also won the title of Rectum of Edinburgh University in unarmed combat. Unfortunately the title was cursed and he lost three skill points for five turns. Yet he soon returned to the ring in style after a pesky critter called Liam Gallagher threw an unsuspecting egg at him. The egg was not amused. Gordon "Big Job" Shit quickly retaliated and, using skills honed by years of living in Fife, consequently knocked Gallagher's two front teeth out.

Parliamentary career

The royal guard refuses Gordon's plea to see the queen so they can "get jiggy".

Gordon had the left the Army after a short service and started his party. After burning down parliament building he was pronounced leader. After Gordon's rise to power in 1939, he was taken by the erotic lifestyle of a MP and set his sights high (the queen denied his advances) and after two years in office where people pretended to know what he was saying was promoted to Shadow Secretary of State for Trade.

“He plotted against me and got me.”

~ Robin Cook on Gordon's succession

Shadow Secretary of State for Trade

During the early years of his career, Gordon was known by those working under him as "he who walks amongst us", "the great one", "the god king" or "the Messiah". These titles were later proven to be false and unfitting of Gordon as Jesus rose again (again), kicked his arse, and went back to live with his dad – taking a stiff one down his back alley for the privilege. Gordon took this job very seriously as it was a large leap towards his rectal goal of king. As this was just a pretend role for MPs whom the rest of them don't like very much, the job description was very basic.

“From the shadows trade with people.”

~ MPs on the Shadow Secretary of State for Trade job description

“It’s quite like hide and seek. That’s my favourite game ... no, dinner is the best game.”

~ Gordon Brown on his promotion

Gordon traded with several important officials including:

Other trader	Items traded by Gordon	Items traded by other trader
Sir Ninian Stephen of Australia	The Crown Jewels	A pack of skips
Li Xiannian of China	Deed to the Tower of London	A stink bomb
Captain Crunch	His love	A magical adventure in space and time

Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer

In 1992 after successfully supplying the entire country with a year's supply of coat hangers in trade for his not eating the leader of the Broonzonian tribes leader (who seen Gordon as a god since fat% is a sign of wealth and power in the tribe) Gordon was given the title Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer. During Gordons promotion party he misheard (as he was distracted by the piñata) and until 1997 dressed in drag and hid in shadows.

Brown's part in the revolution

In 1994 the Labour Party split up into two revolutionary bodies. Firstly, New Labour, led under the young, revolutionary Tony B. Liar, and the Social Democrats led by the living fossil Michael Foot.

Tony Blair and the New Labour communists gained control during the winter of 1996 after a bloody revolution. Gordon "Dance Dance Revolution" Brown had played an important part of this revolution, mostly by robbing banks to fund it. He had spent a number of his days behind bars but managed to escape in nearly all the occasions by seducing his guards.

After the sudden death of John Smith, Brown and his close personal friend Toothy Blair reached an agreement over who was going to lead the Labour Party. In keeping with Labour Party rules this was settled by nude mud wrestling and reciprocal bumming, despite his greater mass and reach Gordon lost by two sore bottoms and a reverse dossier. Gordon was awarded a consolation prize by the ghost of the Dead John Smith, the Chancellery of the Exchequer and complete control over Britain's public and private finances, should Labour win the next General Election.

Criminal record

Gordon Brown has been arrested several times on charges of loitering outside Tesco, harassing old women from Rochdale and playing "knock down the ginger" in the street. Police say that if it happens again he "will be issued with an ASBO just like his friends". He also likes to take advantage of old ladies whilst they shop at Asda. He has been caught doing this several times, but all politicians do it, so they dismissed it as being a "player". Politicians have a game where they see how many cookies they can nick from Tesco by putting 1 when asked for the quantity by the self service machine (current record is 1), Gordon is as guilty as the rest of them. In January 2011 Gordon was arrested and charged with the rape and murder of the British economy as well as charges of using ferrets for the purpose of gambling. He pleaded guilty to the second charge and denied the first. In court he was later found to be guilty of both and has been sentenced to twenty years' imprisonment in the home of Gary Glitter.

However, Lord knows he damn well ought to be brought to justice for his systematic wrecking of the British Economy from 1997-2010, starting with the ongoing theft from each and every pension fund which basically ended final salary pension schemes in the UK. Oh, apart from in the public sector, where Brown spent his entire working life – which handily we pay for as well.

Criminal record 2

In 2001: A Space Odyssey Brown released the classic rap/Country music album G. It reached No. 1 in the charts in several countries including England, Scotland, Belize, Albania and Canada, selling 1.6 trillion copies. Highlights include his cover of Lionel Richie's "Tax you, Tax me" and Lionel Blair's "Tap Dance Extravaganza".

Gordon Brown says he often parties a little too hard. He is seen here in 2008 at a wanker's "personal" fundraiser with Paris Hilton.

Party animal/socialite

Gordon Brown once swallowed fifteen ecstasy pills at once, puked, and then started dancing like a monkey. The Prime Minister and Swedish supermodel claimed he thought the tangy tablets were "googly eyes, you know, the ones you use on colleagues". When asked why he would sample googly eyes in the same fashion you or I would tuck into a custard cream he said, "I feel I need to compensate for a lacking in something." Of course Gordon, whose name in Latin translates as "masked transvestite", was able to give up the ecstasy (and the googly eyes) with the help of Mensa founder, critically acclaimed composer and world-renowned nun Paris Hilton-Holidayinn. In Gordon's autobiography, Eye-eye, Captain, it is cited that he would have been claimed by the Russian gay bars, and become a woman of the night, had it not been for inventor of the chastity ring, Paris. Sadly, their romance was cut short when, while travelling through a tunnel in Paris, the couple were the subject of a car crash, resulting in the death of Paris, and the severe wounding of Gordon's penis. With Paris out of the picture, Gordon returned to his party animal ways, spending money that wasn't his to spend, shooting up in public bathrooms and adopting many hundreds of Vietnamese orphans. All this was filmed by classical music network MTV and broadcast as Gordon's Super Sweet Sixteen, a revolutionary show which revealed the Prime Ministers actual age. In Gordon's words, "The party is yet to begin."

Chancellor of the Cross-dresser

Gordon is an avid cross-dresser and enjoys taking money from Britain to fund his hobby. He was famously interviewed by Hello Magazine dressed as Paris Hilton whilst she was in jail. Only when Paris's<pair iss sizz--> mother saw the article was anyone informed that it was actually Brown in disguise. As punishment for his actions, Brown was sentenced to be beheaded by Osama Bin Laden, ironically, inside one of the Sharia Law Courts he had fought to establish under the Blairite era of Tony Blair (Also known as Tony-B-Liar). He escaped the sentence after being mistaken for a pig, which Muslims aren't allowed to touch because they contain Pork. With his voluptuous exterior, pig-like face and curly tail, this was not the first time he had been mistaken for a porky delight. Britney Spears famously attempted to eat him at a party held by Lindsay Lohan, but he was saved after she was heroically wrestled to the ground by that bloke who plays Borat. Gordon's cross-dressing has gained him a lot of public attention from homosexual men. One such man had a two month affair with Brown. Reports say this man's name was Emma, the subject is however still being investigated by the media at large.

Before Year Zero

Brown was once known as Gordon "Glass-eyed Pratt" Shit Blazer. However, this title became null-and-void once he was established as Master Chef of the ethnologically-diversified Labour Party in 2007. The most commonly accepted theory for the eradication of this term is that the party deemed the term socialite as sounding too much like socialist for their comfort. From this point, the alternative word somebody was established in all Government controlled media to describe Gordon's activities. This generic, non-offensive term was deemed appropriate for use around Muslims and all variety of ethnic majorities in the UK. Currently, Golden Brown Turd can be found roaming the back alleys of London, looking for a shiny disc that happens to hold over 25 million people's records.

Gordon is known to often ask Paris for political advice. One well-known example is when he asked whether Big Ben should be converted into a mosque; she replied, "That's hot." Her approval was said to have been influenced by the "cool carpets with compasses on them". He also lowered VAT because Paris was a bit strapped for cash and wanted a new pair of shoes.

The Haggis Baron, Gordon Brown's Scottish persona, really wins the English voters.

The Haggis Baron legend

There is however another fable about this glorious man and his rise to power. It goes as follows: raised in the Scottish Highlands and fed only porridge until the age of 90, the Haggis Baron is a dreadful sight. His kilt is made of his own pubic hair woven together. Unlike other Scottish people, he is not very hairy, and the kilt is therefore on the smallish side, and as traditional among the paedophile tribes of the Outer Hebrides, he wears nothing underneath it. The Haggis Baron made his way up into the world of politics by raping fish and Neil Kinnock; eventually he raped Tony Blair so violently that the Tonster gave up his job as Supreme Chieftain Of The Home Counties.

Early Parliamentary career

Winner of the 2004 Scary Smile Award, Gordon Shit narrowly defeated John Kerry.

Gordon "Butters" Brown claimed in his autobiography You Want Some of This, Pal? that he entered Parliament out of a deep-seated desire to help poor people, and also because he won a job in parliament by accident when he defeated Wolf if a game of Hang Tough on the 1995 episode of Gladiators. He represented Upper Kilt Town in the House of Commons until 1994, when he duelled and slew Gareth Sadspoon with a stapler to take control of Lower Kilt Town as well, increasing his constituency to five people. His prowess with office equipment became legendary when he crippled Michael Heseltine with a hole puncher. Confrontation with Labour's head duellist, Tony Blair, was inevitable. When Tony Blair, ye Merrye Oute-law, wished to cross a puddle outside the Granita restaurant in Islington, he found Gordon "The Robot" Shit, a giant of a man, barring his way. He asked Shit to carry him across the puddle on his shoulders, which Shit refused to do. The two fell to battle with their quarterstaves, neither giving quarter until Tony was knocked into the puddle below. Blair, impressed with Shit's prowess, asked him to join his band of Merry Members on condition that he be henceforth known as Shit Gordon (which qualified as a hilarious pun prior to the European Regulations On Humour & Punnery 1989). Shit Gordon served Blair well, although he was somewhat overzealous: his instructions were to rob from the rich and give to the poor, whereas Shit Gordon found it far more economical to simply rob everybody and spend it all on his cronies.

"I'm not a man, but I have a man's needs," Gordon claims in his autobiography. He also claims that he had once caught the Loch Ness Monster while out fishing but threw it back when he "saw the fear in its poor wee eyes", that he has slept with more than nine thousand women, that he was once an astronaut and that he can crush his enemies like they are beer cans but rarely chooses to do so as it wouldn't be prudent.

Chancellor of the Exchequer

Gordon, seen here characteristically clutching his brandy flask, stumbles menacingly closer to the press.

Tony Blair was true to his word (stop laughing, it's true), and after Labour won a huge landslide in the 1997 election (the Tories made the tactical error of threatening to enslave the British population and force it to work in salt mines) Gordon "Slam Dunk" Shit became Chancellor of the Exchequer. Blair enacted legislation immediately which turned over all the money in Britain to Gordon "The Go-ordinator" Brown's hands. Being Scottish, Brown is reluctant to spend exchequer receipts on anything other than Buckfast and deep-fried Mars Bars for himself. He gets very upset when cabinet colleagues ask him for money. Jack Straw when Foreign Secretary was caught on more than one occasion attempting to steal money from the German Finance Ministry in order to fund pensions and the NHS. Brown surmised that the above could be funded through somewhat Dickensian means such as training those with ASBOs to pickpocket investment bankers. Ultimately the strategy failed.

As a member of the British Cabinet, Gordon "Argh Argh Fucking Hell" Brown was often seen as an isolated figure, disagreeing with his colleagues on a whim, using David Blunkett's empty eye-sockets as a bottle-opener, and provoking fist-fights with his older, slower colleagues (though John "Two Jabs, Two Shags" Prescott was always more of a match for him. It is rumoured that he believed the prophecies said he should take over as Prime Minister and banish Tony Blair to The Wilderness of Infinite Misery.

Politically, Gordon "Largely Edible" Golden Brown Turd remained popular with voters, and opinion polls consistently showed that if Labour were to replace Tony Blair with Brown as leader, then they would win the 2009 General Election or at least keep their genitals covered with the result. Oh fortune, why dost thou mock Brown?

Economic theory

"Public borrowing should not exceed forty per cent of GDP." This from the man who spent 94.4% of Britain's GDP bailing out bankers. Well fucking done, Gordon. "We are not all neck deep in shit. This is melted chocolate." Chairman Brown has indicated that in a previous life he was former Albanian dictator Enver Hoxha. It is Hoxha's economic policy that Brown has followed for the past ten years – which indicates why it is that under his leadership Britain is the most likely country in the G20 to be doffing their cap to the Thunderbirds and saying, "Please, Sir. Can I have some more?"

Brown's premiership – Christ on a bike!

Brown fell out with Tony Blair after his lover wouldn't let him give. Brown also refused the advances of Blair's wife Cherie Blair's mouth, it seems after all that beggars really can be choosers. This resulted in Brown publicly denouncing his love for Blair and claiming that Blair hasn't started puberty, while in fact he simply went through it backwards.

When Tony Blair died in 2007, it was discovered that he had specifically stated in his "Last Testament" Brown would make a terrible Labour Party Dictator of Britain. (Some say "doing Britain the Shit way may be the way forward for the USA" was also said.) Similarly, under Tony Blair, the Labour Party slogan was "Britain: Forward Not Back". Brown has now changed this to "Forward the Shit Britain!" In any case, the untimely death or Blair after his rape by a rather large hairy moose and murder by a chicken led to a power vacuum in which Brown could plant the seeds of destruction.

The Supreme Leader Comrade brought forth the Second Revolution in June 2007. It is said that in 2008 he planned the complete redistribution of the nation's wealth, execution of those of noble blood, the imprisonment and torture of those believed to sympathise with Cameronism, and the hoisting of a huge red flag over the newly-empty Buckingham Palace. Hail the Supreme Leader! However, Brown was too distracted by the Credit Crunch and instead focused on redistributing the nation's wealth to the banks which in turn reversed the above policy.

The erosion beam

In 2007 Gordon Brown ordered the Oxfordshire County Council to construct him an erosion beam which orbits the planet under his supreme rule. Since its completion in March 2008, Brown has used the beam to slowly erode cliffs beneath small coastal towns, such as Mappleton in eastern England. This colossal weapon has great potential but Shit stated in a press conference, "What can I say? I like watching small coastal towns fall into the sea." He then fired lightning – real lightning!

The Oxfordshire County Council are now working on a "credit cruncher", a gun that is said to have the ability to artificially inflate the value of worthless assets and provide cheap credit to vagrants, chavs and Welsh people – all of whom we know are too drunk, high or utterly mentally incapable to repay said credit. If this weapon falls into the wrong hands (Gordon Shit's for example) then we are pretty much doomed to an existence of ... well, an existence pretty similar to the doom-and-gloom that prevails.

Gordon had said that should David Cameron get into power, manufacture of insane futuristic weapons would be increased by over 9000%. Like all Labour-produced statistics, this turned out to be a complete and utter fallacy, the actual out turn being in the order of 165464.63%.

Financial crisis

This is where we should write a lengthily piece about Master and Commander Brown's supreme handling of the Global economy during those terrible months at the end of 2008. However, Brown was too pissed on Buckfast at the time and merely blurted out whatever master-plan the brilliant and rather dashing Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling had concocted whilst masturbating over pictures of J.M. Keynes. Brown's drunkenness led him to state in Parliament that he had "saved the world".

The 2010 election

Gordon Brown performs as part of his campaign.

Under British law, the ruling party decides when to hold an election within a specified limit. In 2010, Gordon finally took the brave decision to strategically call an election 0.0000001 seconds before the Queen seized power from him, then brilliantly lost.

However, some cynical observers pointed out that in order to cling onto power as long as possible, Gordon "Twat-face" and his inner circle conspired to "realign" the calendar using the Russian Revolution as year one. Since this occurred in 1917, under the New Labour "realigned" calendar we are now in year 93. Thus, an election in the year 2010 (realigned) would automatically give Labour a further one thousand nine hundred seventeen years in office. The plan succeeded in creating a tie with the Conservatives, but in a stunning turn of events, the valiant Tory Party leader David Cameron forged an alliance with the Liberal Democrats and led a coup d'état on 10 Downing Street, taking Gordon and his ministers captive and forcing the Communist despot to step down as leader of the government. Cameron then banished Brown and his corrupt senators to the dark, frozen wastelands of Scotland and established a glorious Tory government that will reign for a thousand years.

The HD version of the electoral debate was given widespread complaints because members of the general public did not want wish to see Brown's gargoyle-like ball-bag of a countenance any clearer than usual. Indeed, the sight of Brown in his true form is said to drive those who look upon it utterly insane. Gordon has also decided that on all TV debates he should be placed on David Cameron's left to hide his hideous eye from the punters.

Scandals concerning Gordon Brown

In the recent incidents of people buying favour with New New but Old but New again Labour, Gordon knew absolutely nothing at all about any possibility of wrong doing. In a blatant attack on his integrity by all aspects of the Conservative-loving and toadying media, any implication that he knew anything at all resulted in the deportation and the holding without charge of many journalists and TV presenters. In an act of benign terror, a British version of Guantanamo Bay was set up in Wales. However this was easily justified in the interests of National Security and stopping Terror under the "Blair Care" 2003 Act. As such the subversive pirate radio rant Any Questions was surgically removed from the air waves with a laser-guided bomb.

Minister for Schools, Children, Families, Old People, Young People, The North, LGBT people, tiny kittens and so-on, Ed Balls and wife Treasury Minister Yvette Cooper bang away under the table in the cabinet office, in the ministerial car etc.

Gordon Brown in a blunder sold half of Britain's gold at 27 pounds sterling. What he did with the money is unknown but speculation suggests that he blew most of the money on Buckfast.

There are rumours that Golden Brown Turd enjoys to dress up in a leather cat suit whilst being "spanked" by Ed Ballsack in jodphurs with leather glove, boots and a whip.

A further example of Dark Lord Gord – or, as he was known to small children in the early 1990s, Chintan Patel's – gross incompetence in the world of legality was when he referred to an innocent life-long Labour backer-upper as a smelly bigot person. Not only did this cause emotional upheaval for the woman, but it has also brought a bad name on to the word bigot, which, since the incident, has attempted to distance itself from the embarrassment of being used by such a person as Gordo Brown. This can also be seen to give further support to the widely held belief, "Whatever a one-eyed Scottish idiot touches turns to crap."

Brown is still Scottish and has not had gene therapy to correct this genetic defect. This, according to the Daily Mail and Daily Express is why he's the ringleader of a Communist Fascist elite who has turned Britain into the the "Zanulabour" hell-hole we see today, where a get-up-and-go immigrant is more likely to get a paid job than some unemployed native-born white moron with 2 GSCEs [sic] who demands £30,000 a year. It's a national scandal.

Gordon "Big Dawg" Brown was also allegedly spotted down that alley behind Tesco-Express having secret meetings with Satan during the early 1980s. It is believed to have been during these meetings that the Big Dawg negotiated the deal in which he would trade his eyeball for a chance to become Prime Minister. Satan's representative on Earth Peter Mandelson later said in an interview, "The eye that I do or do not have is or isn't one of the best in my collection."

Post-PM Brown

"I will give you absolutely no money if you let me have your bank details," said Gordon Brown in 2038 after getting shoop-da-whooped by Bruce Willis.

It is not clear what Gordon Brown will do after being booted out of office by Rear Admiral Keith Chegwin on that fateful day in 2010. Taking his final Prime Minister's questions before a packed House Of Lords, it seems that some form of tranquilizer was shot out of a bamboo shoot, which persuaded Brown, by then Lord Brown of Shitilloch and The Islands of Mcfuckdup, to surrender to the armies surrounding the Lords Chamber. There have always been allegations that, in his spare time, Gordon Brown acted as a secondary banker to the governments of Nigeria, Burkina Faso and Uganda coercing innocent and dumb Westerners to lend them their bank details and in return get a small token of gratitude. Pictures have circulated the internet, including the one adjacent to this article.

Brown also spends many hours in his constituency office in Kirkcaldy, crying, answering abusive emails from bored teenagers, and taking regular intervals to shit on an image of Tony Blair.

Stop the presses

On December 25th 1996, Gordon Brown, released his first autobiographical book, named as the The Little Brown Book. By Boxing Day, you could get it in the bargain bucket on Amazon for barely a quid. Half a million copies of it had to be pulped when it was revealed that it had not been proof-read by publishers. It was read in advance only by Gordon Brown's monkey, Bubbles, who failed to notice that the front of the cover actually said "The Little Fat Shit Book". Publishers, however, were delighted with the feedback from the general public – those who had read the book said the title summed it up. Shit.

See also

• Britain
• Labour Party (UK)
• The Government Guide to Killing Yourself
• New Labour
• George Osborne