Esther McVey

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Esther Louise McVile (sent to earth by Satan born 24 October 1967) is a British Conservative Party politician and Secretary of State for Work and Pensions since 8 January 2018. She was elected as the Member of Parliament (MP) for Tatton in 2017. Previously she was MP for Wirral West from 2010. But luckily for them she lost the seat in 2015. Before being elected she graduated with a degree in "political cleansing of population" taught in the traditional Nazi-style of lecturing by pompus moron Ian Duncan Smith.

A former Minister of State at the DWP (D*ckheads, Wa*kers and Pr*cks (2013–15), McVey was appointed a privy councillor in February 2014, and in July the same year, was accorded the further privilege of attending Cabinet by the Prime Minister, which at the time was David Cameron so this would not have been considered a privilege by most. She had previously served the Cameron–Clegg (If we put our heads together.... then we still have no idea what we're doing, but screw the queen for forcing this to happen) coalition as Parliamentary Under-Secretary of State for Obsolete Disabled People (2012–13).

Before entering politics, McVey was a terrible television presenter who nobody really acknowledged and businesswoman who became a director of her family's Liverpool-based construction business J.G. McVey & Co. (run by her father) which specialised in demolition and site clearance. Overseeing the clearing of inadaquate constructions led her to imagine something bigger in the form of the clearence of inadequate people in society e.g the poor and disabled.

Media career[edit]

Esther "wannabe presenter" Mcvile has took part in the following television programmes:

  • Co-hosting GMTV, never being a "proper" host because she wasn't very good at it.
  • BBC1's "How Do They Do That?" series (Starring role in the episode: How do the tories kill the less fortunate in society?) After the episode was broadcast the show was forced to rename itself as "Why Would They Do That?"
  • The Heaven and Earth Show (The rich go to heaven and the poor go to hell)
  • Shopping City (Starred in the episode "I can afford what you can't")
  • Channel 4's legal series Nothing But The Truth with Ann Widdecombe, which she obviously didn't learn anything from.
  • Took part in Eve Ensler's The Vagina Monologues (where she is rumoured to have stated "Vagina? I have one of those but nobody wants it") at the Empire Theatre


Esther enjoys taking part in the following recreational activities:

  • Wheelchair tipping: A sport where one aims to tip disabled people out of wheelchairs in the hope that they will be unable to get back up again.
  • Poopy Foodbanking: Esther hates the thought that a low income family can give their children a nutritious meal, thanks to the generous Foodbank charities. She therefore likes to poop in small packages and donate them to the local food banks with a label marked "yummy yummy for your tummy!" and laughing whilst said packages are opened by tearful children.
  • Kick the stick: If an elderly, disabled individual is spotted leaving their home with the aid of a walking stick then she will charge over to them, booting the stick out of reach leaving the individual stranded whilst screaming "YOU HAVE NO MOBILITY AIDS NOW, SO YOU CAN'T HAVE PIP!!!"
  • She also has a strong interest in fantasy role-play. Her favorite one is to imagine she lives in a bizzare alternate reality where universal credit actually works.

Personal life[edit]

McVey lives in West Kirby, Wirral (when she is not visiting her dead Nazi friends in the depths of hell). When in London, she formerly shared a flat in Pimlico with Conservative colleague, Philip Davies with whom she has had a "long time on-and-off romantic interest". This was most likely due to the fact that Davies is well known to be anti-feminist and was most likely only using her for his sexual needs, treating her like an object as is typical of a campaigner for the men's rights movement. But in his defence Esther is more like an emotionless object than an actual human being so it was an easy mistake to make.

Mental health[edit]

Esther suffers from a condition common amongst the majority of Tory politicians known as "Lying for my own personal gain" syndrome. Unfortunately despite this being a serious condition that has affected a huge percentage of the UK population, like most serious and debilatating conditions, it did not entitle her to PIP. This is most likely due to her own way of thinking that mental illness is as imaginary as the magic roundabout.

Her condition severely deteriorated in July 2018 when the National Audit Office (NAO) stated that McVey had misled parliament over the new universal credit scheme by claiming that the NAO report showed that it should be rolled out faster, when in fact the report concluded that the roll-out should be paused. However despite this she was still given 0 points in her PIP assessment.

However, Esther has been known to support others who suffer from "Lying for my own personal gain" syndrome by helping her friend Kate McCann by becoming a founding trustee in setting up the Madeline McCann fund.

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