Monocle
The Monocle is an optical implement used to enhance the vision of eye. Due to one's need to squint in order to hold it in place, the monocle gives one the distinctive cold, distant, authoritarian visage of a crotchety old white man. They originally came to prominence last week in Great Britain, where it is a legal requirements for Otters to wear monocle every alternate Tuesday, except if this falls on Christmas day, when they may instead sport a bowler hat.
History
The Early Years
The monocle's first recorded use was in the 18th century by a homosexual Optician, Oliver Van de Kaamp, who was living in the pirate-dense Caribbean at the time, and often had pirates as patients. Due to genetic disorders which left most pirates with only one working eye, Van de Kaamp created the monocle to help the pirates see. Needless to say, the monocle did not do well among pirates, who preferred the rugged look of an eyepatch. Van de Kaamp died without ever seeing his invention become popular.
The Monocle Comes of Age
Later in the 18th century, the monocle would be rediscovered by judges, who saw the monocle as the perfect accessory for a nice powdered wig and black robe. As the monocle became popular among judges, lawyers and attorneys began to jump on the monocle craze. The monocle then began to take on several different forms. The truly rich and upper class would wear custom-fitted gold and / or diamond plated monocles, which they deemed "bling." Some monocles have been dug up which have custom fittings but are less flamboyant, these are probably the monocles of middle-class printers and merchants, according to historian Sid Meier. There is even evidence of lower class monocles, which were made in three to four sizes and made of wood. These would usually accompany a lower class citizen with their Sunday best on, these lower class monocles were a more affordable luxury for the poorer crotchety old white men.
With the dawn of a new century, the monocle became the signature accessory of a capitalist, along with a fine top hat and gaudy morning coat. Among others who wore monocles were J.P. Morgan, John D. Rockefeller, and William McKinley. The "bling" version of monocles soon became the only kind, as the other kinds all but died out due to the common people's dissatisfaction with the ruling aristocracy. Sadly, the era of the monocle came to a close in America when the "trust buster" Theodore Roosevelt publicly denounced the monocle as the symbolic representation of the evil trusts and big businesses. In England, however, the monocle thrives to this day.
Nazis: Death of the Monocle
Outside of England, however, the monocle has met a different fate. This is all thanks to one thing: the Nazi Party. For reasons that remain unknown, the Nazis usurped the fashion of wearing monocles much like Hitler usurped control of the Reichstag and the Weimar Republic in Germany. In the 1930's and 40's, wearing a monocle became akin to screaming, "I'm a Nazi Jew-Gasser!!!" The monocle has since fallen out of favor, and much like the Hitler mustache, risks never returning into widely-accepted fashion.
Anyone who doubts the truth of this statement need only view the following rogues' gallery of Nazis with monocles. Pictures are truly worth thousands of words:
Wearers
Many famous people have walked the brilliantly paved streets of a town called monocle, or should I say, have worn monocles in public. It is notable that many German officers in World War I wore monocles for a bonus in both appearance and command. Lots of poets, politicians, and philosophers were often seen be-monocled. From Fritz Lang to Joseph Chamberlain, Karl Marx to Alfred Lord Tennyson, monocles swept the streets of the early modern age. Many famous lesbians adopted the monocle as well. Lesbian lovers Una Lady Troubridge and Radclyffe Hall both got each other wet while sporting the effervescently sexy monocle. Throughout history, the monocle has been the apple of many celebrity's eye.
Use
To use and wear a monocle, as mentioned above it is necessary to squint in order to hold the monocle in place. The monocle chain, as well is oft kept pinned to ones collar in order to keep it from falling down and being pervaded by the festering ground beneath. A monocle must be cleaned regularly, and also kept from the grubby hands of the lower classes.
As an Aphrodisiac
Yes, it is indeed quite true that there is something mysteriously sexy about the monocle. You've seen the many pictures on this page and probably questioned your own sexuality. It is in fact scientifically proven that sight of a monocle causes one's brain to release hormones which then stimulate the genitalia. These stimuli function to increase sexual drive. The study was done by members of the University of Oxford, who tested the theory of monocles as an aphrodisiac by subjecting both men and women to pictures of both de and be monocled men and women and monitoring their brain patterns. Overwhelming evidence proved that monocles could cause significant sexual arousal in both sexes, but especially women. These and other findings have prompted the federal government and various educational facilities to look into monocle bans, but due to their popularity among teenagers, it is unlikely that monocles will be banned anytime soon.
In the Modern Day
The monocle has had a resurgence in popularity due to the findings that the monocle indeed is highly sexually stimulating. Most of these new "monoclites" are 13-29 year old men, who use monocles to lure unsuspecting females into their seckspads. The monocle has also been very popular among lesbian and circles once again, who use the stimuli caused by monocle-exposure in their ever popular porn videos. With the popularity of monocles skyrocketing in the last two years, analysts conclude that monocle-wearing will become an important and influential fashion of the early 21st century, and that it will probably peak in 2020. So tip your hat, and say "wot!" because the monocle is here to stay.
