Noel Gallagher
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|---|---|
 Noel Gallagher, 1983 Lower Eurasia Brine-Gargling Champion | |
| Born |
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| Occupation | Musician, singer, rip-off artist, rock legend wannabe |
| Years active | 1991-present |
| Spouse(s) | Divorced twice because "[he's] too cool to settle down" |
| Children | 3 |
“You thieving bastard!”
“Our kid? His writing's fookin' shite, man, aye should write the songs, d'yaknowwarramean?”
“I did a fair bit of TWOC-ing in Moss Side in the 80s, and I don't remember him at all. And as for the Kippax...don't make me laugh! I knew every face in the Man City firm, and he wasn't one of them.”
Noel John Paul George Ringo Mick Keef "The Prick" Weller-Gallagher (born May 29, 1967) is an English musician, singer, plagiarist, and rock legend wannabe who likes to think he's The Fifth Beatle, even though he's not from Liverpool. This article is to humor the little guy.
He gained international success in the 1990s by repeatedly telling everyone that his Beatles tribute band Oasis were the 'fookin best in the world', and threatening to batter anyone who dared to disagree. Amongst his nationally adored songs are classics such as "Live Until You're 74 or Something", "Wonderbrawl", "Cigarettes And Alcopops", "Get It On (Bang A Gong)", "Don't Look Back You Wanker", "Yellow Tangerine", "All You Knead Is Bread", "The Ballet of John and Yoko", "Tomorrow Has Some Idea", "A Day In The Lift" and "She's Eccentric".
Gallagher is known for notoriously tempestuous relationship with his brother Liam Gallagher. They really don't like each other. Seriously. Documented evidence of the brothers contempt for each other was unearthed in 1996, when footage was released of Noel using Liam as a human golf club to smack footballs around the grounds of one of his mansions. The incident later became the inspiration for the hits "Mucky Fingers" and "The Importance of Being a 9 Iron".
Noel has been described as the most vital force in British songwriting in the past 20 years by sources as diverse as himself, his Mum, the NME and that bloke down the pub who had a trial with Oldham and swears he could have made it as a professional footballer if it wasn't for the gout.
Forming Oasis[edit | edit source]
Noel was released decided to leave the salt mines to attend high school. There he met Alan White, John Paul III (The Once and Future Pope), and Gus Van Sant. Coincidentally enough, they each knew how to play a different instrument, except for Van Sant (but he was always good for a few pounds for a round or two), and they quickly formed a band titled Small Pool Of Water In The Desert, Particularly Suited For Nourishing Travellers And Their Pack Animals. This name was shortened to Oasis on the programs for their first gig at Tank's Ribs and Slaw, a local restaurant/brothel.
The band gradually gained huge success, and Noel's new found riches enabled him to finally buy a luxury caravan for his ma.
Unfortunately, the caravan wiped out the band's assets, and they had to do what every band short on cash does: they went on a tour of Japan. There, the band deserted Noel, and eventually formed The Twatless Three. Noel eventually went on to create the webcomic Megatokyo, and currently lives in South Dakota. Noel is also famous for his strong stance against anti-knife crime, stabbing anyone who dares to promote it. Noel is also best friends with rapper Jay-Z and are often seen in Brighton together at the weekends, often staying up until the early hours of the next morning, it was here where Noel developed his love for strawberry lemonade and wrote a song about it called "Speak Tomorrow".
Noel recently disappeared after filming a documentary on Berwick Street. According to the evidence left on camera his last words were a solemn "That's it then, innit, I suppose?" According to Quoasis fans, he then descended into Top 10 rock legend history. Although most sources claim that him and Paul McCartney still haunt the Welsh Countryside at night, stealing cabbages and Um Bongo.
Solo projects[edit | edit source]
When Noel left Oasis he decided that he would group with some other hippies that he met in the park, and make the best band in the world again; Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds was formed. The name came from his early days as a cheeky little tyke growing up on the plains of Manchester, where he owned a Kestrel affectionately called "Ya fookin' wanker". Noel's classmates would routinely mock him for the amount of time he spent with his bird, which was often mistaken for his eyebrows. Noel celebrated these glorious days by naming his new band after himself and his eagle, despite the fact there are many more talented people in the group.
Noel continues to sell shockingly overpriced tickets to his concerts, and can frequently be seen flogging T-shirts and other shite at every venue.
