“If only I'd known about this at Yorktown!”
“Hi, I'm David Cameron, and this is Jackass”
Brexit is good. There is no way that any problems will result from Brexit, because the leaders of the process are strong and stable, or is it? Brexit is also a type of emergency exit intended and reserved only for British people. It is distinguishable from other emergency exits by the placement of the words "please use this" in front of "emergency exit" on the green sign and the orderly queue that forms before it. Brexit is a process where the United Queendom leaves the European Onion.
The word Brexit is a portmanteau of the English word "Brexfast", and the European word "Tit", it symbolizes the increased harmony and cooperation that will result from the Brexit deal.
- Captain Farage, inventor of the idea, genius beer brewing mastermind.
- Theresa May, the strong and stable leader of the Brexit.
Adolf Hitler, former leader of the European Onion.
- Jean-Claude Juncker, the current leader of the European Onion.
- Boris Johnson, commander of Her Majesty's unarmed forces.
- Conservative Party, idiots who were fooled into supported the idea by a pig fucker.
- UK Independence Party, Captain Farage's beer buddies, when Captain Farage left the party, it was taken over by racists.
- Labour, mostly uninvolved bystanders.
- Liberal Democrats, a formerly great party, Brexit wiped them all out.
Britain has been part of the European Onion ever since Julius Caesar, the first leader of the European Onion invaded the land. In 383 AD, the Brexit was invented when the commander of Britannia, Magnus Maximus, chose to ignore the Roman Empire and set up his own little empire in Britain. This was a success until he got bored of being confined to the little island and returned to Rome in 388 AD. Upon approaching Rome, he encountered the Imperial Roman Army at the Battle of Save, in which the only thing that was saved was his severed genitalia, which were paraded around Rome by Emperor Theodosius the Great as a reminder to all about the terrifying possibilities of Brexit.
Copycat Brexits have occurred throughout recorded history, and attempts by EU to bring it back:
- 410: Britain leaves the Roman Empire (successfully this time).
- 1272: After the end of Ninth Crusade, there was a Brexit from the politics of the Middle East (reversed the minute oil became a commodity).
- 1534: Brexit from Catholic Church when it was discovered King Henry VIII had found the European bureaucrats in Rome to be awkward and slow, and their representatives to be money grabbing and corrupt. The British led a campaign of violent Brexit and destroyed all the Europeans, this process was ended in 1541.
- 1605: EU tried to blow up Parliament and the king, but their dastardly plan was foiled. The Brexiteers passed laws banning Europeans and chopped off a lot of their heads.
- 1776: Thirteen bits Brexited on the trivial basis of being on the wrong side of the Atlantic Ocean, and spent the next decade testing the popular notion that the union was entirely voluntary. In 1861, following some controversy over adding new bits, eleven bits performed a follow-on Brexit of the other twenty to further test the same notion, but with a different outcome.
- Early 1800s: A very short Frenchman decided that the British were enemies of the European Onion, which he had successfully taken over. However the forces of the Brexiteers were victorious on the high seas, and after inventing the wellington boot, trudged through the Great Swamp of western Europe to defeat him.
- 1938: Brexit from Europe's family Christmas dinner table, after Aunt Czechoslovakia steered the conversation towards Britain's agreement with Hitler.
- 1947: Forced Brexit from India (immediately preceded by Britain spitefully ripping the country into two pieces).
- 1973: After 438 years of bloodshed, Britain rejoined the European Onion.
- 1997: Unforced Brexit from Hong Kong, one country with two systems, resulting in "One Country Two Systems" with disappearances and re-education camps.
- 2007: Brexit from AMC Theatre 8 during hour 3 of Titanic towards bathroom after having drunk 72 ounces of Sprite.
The build up
The simple story is that the UKIP scared the Conservatives into agreeing to hold a referendum.
The much more complex story is that Britons learn obsessive courtesy at a very early age and are all way too polite to nag their partners, or above all stop everything and instigate long, loud arguments to "clear the air." The national character is to "keep a stiff upper lip," forbear, and endure. British marriages often last an entire decade or more. Consequently, Britons' favourite way of resolving a completely untenable relationship is just to try to unobtrusively wander off. This is in stark contrast to Yanks, who believe that "When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve political bands," the best way is a loud Declaration proclaimed on every street corner, and it wouldn't hurt to burn down a few ammunition depôts.
A Brexit is thought to be good for the nation's economy, greatly increasing the value of the currency, having a positive effect on the stock market, and boosting the demand for tea. In addition, a Brexit is a sure-fire way for the Brexiting country (that would be Britain) to dealign itself from France and Germany, thereby freeing itself from the implied duty to wear lederhosen, sport handlebar moustaches, and be bossed around by a girl. It can then return to wearing kilts, sporting handlebar moustaches, and being bossed around by an Iron Lady.
Performing a Brexit
Performing a Brexit is no ordinary task. Before a Brexit manoeuvre can be performed, the user must prepare oneself. Firstly, the user is to be British. Many French, Germans and Italians have met their end attempting to perform a Brexit, the most notable being Mussolini, who performed a Brexit from the League of Nations (predecessor to modern bureaucracy) in 1937. Six years later, his corpse was hanging upside-down, suspended on meat hooks on the roof of a petrol station. Secondly, one needs to concentrate all their petty grievances about how things used to be better yet harder in the olden days, the youth, crime, immigrants, and the media blackout on the monthly rising cost of one's cup of tea with two sugars at Cafe Nero that one has every Saturday morning. This concentrated anger will lead to concentrated hatred, which will lead to concentrated suffering, which is what makes Robinson's freshly concentrated orange squash just taste so good. Thirdly, once the beverage has been consumed, one must consult random celebrities who have as little to do with your Brexit as they know about current affairs or as they care about anything but the popularity and money they get from giving their opinion. Preparation is then complete and the Brexit can be initiated.
On approaching the door to Brexit, one must adopt a semi-brace position. This is different from the usual brace position in that only the top-half of your body is involved. The hands move up to cover the ears, and the eyes are shut. The mouth opens and the voice box regurgitates a stream of numbers amounting to the cost (gross cost, not net cost - nobody ever said it was net cost) of not performing the Brexit, otherwise known as a Bremain.
Bremain could be the single most terrifying experience that would ever fall upon the citizens of the UK. Without even beginning to mention the meteorite impacts, the trees and buildings being hurled upwards as the Earth's tectonic activity erupts, and the hordes of Jihadis sent over from Brussels, all called John and all working in chocolate shops selling Brighton rock with the words "Allah - Peace be upon him" written through the middle to innocent children, Bremain would be a disaster on a magnitude of the Richter scale that would give a geologist an orgasm.
The formal ballot
The 2016 Brexit was achieved by a ballot that asked Britons exactly what they wanted to do. For simplicity and clarity, there were only two options.
Remain meant that Britain would stay in the European Union. Britons who were dissatisfied with the European Union were to vote Remain. Prime Minister David Cameron stressed that such a majority would give him new leverage over the Eurocrats to negotiate for more "opt-outs" and special privileges for the United Kingdom. The mere presence of a secession referendum would give Cameron so much "street cred" on the streets of Brussels as to render itself completely unnecessary.
Leave meant that Britain would leave the European Union. Those satisfied with the European Union were to vote Leave. Likewise those simply terrified of the alternative, or simply in possession of a ten-year contract to provide consultancy services to the European Union, or in Britain illegally after swimming across from Arabia and invoking their right to travel within the Union to reach Britain and demand free fish and chips.
This would put into place an interminable period of transition measures, delayed implementation votes, and television programmes that would explain why it would be wise to protect the public from its stated will. In other words, voting Leave would lead to business-as-usual.
On 23 June 2016, slightly more people voted to leave than to remain, because the government lied about how much extra money people would get. And this is the truth!
The strong and stable leader of the Brexit Theresa May was appointed leader, however she felt she needed more support, so she held an election. Although she was elected, she lost a lot of her MPs, and had to bribe the Northern Irish bastard party to keep her in power.
The Lisbon treaty, while generally tightening the European handcuffs, installed a handy Quick Release Button on each one, adding Article 50 (the “Eject Manifesto”) that says that any signatory could just walk away. In 2016, a groundswell emerged for a Brexit referendum, based on several national trends:
- Premiership football teams had become so full of uber-talented European players that it was impossible to pick an effective England squad.
- Immigration had become so entrenched that a Polish Sklep opened in Stradbroke.
- Most of the population had bargain-bucket mortgages with Santander (as recommended by Martin Lewis).
- Cafés began to put parsley on egg and chips.
Commentators thus came to believe that maintaining financial stability, trade stability, and multi-country employment via an unelected, undemocratic group of empire builders — who also happen to be the biggest, most established, profitable dependent of the London's banking industry — seemed like a slightly worse option than severing all ties, then jumping off a cliff blindfolded.
In the immediate aftermath of the Brexit vote, all parties called for calm and level-headedness, in contrast to the panic and Armageddon each had predicted in the immediate run-up to the Brexit vote. All those at the top vowed to show leadership by example. Delaying the invocation of Article 50 to keep international markets in turmoil for at least three months, projected resignations, and immediate resignations of the entire shadow cabinet, would all serve to steady the ship.
The EU also aimed for stability, as their financial position had become even more precarious. Thus, they announced their intention to make the divorce as acrimonious as possible, and to conduct future commerce with the UK strictly at “tourist prices,” if at all. Calm also prevailed in international markets, after a brief and lucrative panic in common shares. The pound sterling lost most of its value, but this was balanced by most other hard assets losing most of their value as well. This meant that relative prices survived Brexit with no change, other than everyone's savings had been cut in half again.
There was one major change. Prime Minister David Cameron had originally argued that British voters should be given the option of secession, which they would vote against, allowing Cameron to use his own ballot loss to wrest new concessions from Brussels as consolation. Cameron's model was U.S. President Obama, who had repeatedly parlayed inability to push a bill through Congress into apparent new power to just do it himself. When Cameron's proposal unexpectedly won, Cameron concluded that he was “not the right person” to put it into effect, and that if voters were bold enough to blow up European union, he should at least torch the Conservative Party.
In Brussels, the EU was predictably hurt by the rejection by what Commission President Jean-Claude Juncker called "little England," but he insisted the “British remain our friends”. Meanwhile, British MEP Nigel Farage was giddy that, in little more than a decade, his signature issue finally won a vote somewhere, even though at a time when his own Prime Minister was certain the issue had been overtaken by events. “No one is laughing at me now!” said Farage, though he was wrong about that as well.
The 52-48 majority for Brexit was immediately called indecisive. Perhaps Britain's famously unwritten Constitution demands a two-thirds vote. Who knows? no one can read it. However, within days, two million Britons signed an Internet petition claiming they had voted Leave but, having gotten their way, no longer wanted it but wished to switch to Remain. Oddly, there was no comparable petition of losers who wanted to join the winning side and declare "acclamation" as a show of unanimity. The Brexit vote being by secret ballot, there was no way to know the signers actually voted Leave; however, most of the Internet addresses were from Britain. Those that were not were surely Britons on holiday. Unfortunately, while one sometimes does not get what one votes for in the voting booth, one almost never gets what one wants signing anonymous Internet petitions.
The spectre of a large country getting out of something it wasn't supposed to be able to get out of emboldened every other community that felt trapped inside a Greater Community.
- Scotland had for decades sought to get out of Great Britain. It was now faced with a quandary: Fish A having been swallowed in a single gulp by Fish B, is it easier or harder to get out if Fish B is subsequently swallowed whole by Fish EC? Scottish leaders resolved to take a position on Brexit on an ad hoc basis, after seeing whether British or European leaders looked sillier. Unfortunately, at the time of the Brexit vote, both sets of politicians were out-loathsome by the leadership of the Scottish National Party.
- Ireland's Enda Kenny announced a plan for Ireland to enter the United Kingdom — a move he called Brentry, in order to avoid having his country leave the European Union, which would mean that he would have to actually govern it. He envisaged that the new nation would be called the European Union of Great Britain, and that it could have a common currency, which he proposed to call the euro.
- America, the land of No-Fault Divorce and getting a summer puppy, was enthused at the Brexit vote. Despite the Eagles' scary song about a fantasy hotel where "You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave," Americans believe that you can walk away from anything, and the biggest risk is finding that your ex scratched your CDs. The American union, after all, is voluntary, and when a bunch of states decide to stop shacking up — say, to pursue their own vision of property rights — they are free to go without some sort of Civil War breaking out over it.
- Texas was famously admitted to the Reunited States under a unique treaty in which it reserved the right to split into six states — a thoroughly pointless move, except for immediately acquiring 12 votes in the U.S. Senate compared to 2 for every other state, and if anyone called that unfair, you could just show them the wording. Nevertheless, the so-called Texit movement was hampered by the youthful electorate that believed that their current contract already gave them 100 free Texits per month.
- Likewise, the continual partition movement in California began to regain steam, though it was eclipsed by a referendum drive to mandate paid bereavement leave when you abandon the puppy in the woods at the end of the summer.
- In the U.S. Presidential campaign, Donald Trump took cues from the Brexit vote, which he praised as Britons "taking back their sad little country that no one ever goes to." He vowed to do the same, although knowing little about his own country beyond paying it more bribes than Hillary Clinton accepted — and most of these to Hillary. Nevertheless, the entire Trump campaign had been less about ideas — as the few he had espoused mostly had to be "walked back" by an aide the next day — than about the glee of forcing the central government to eat a large crap sandwich, as Brexit had been — a double-decker.
All the plans were torn up!
So, the government starting making plans again, either to delay it until Judgement day or leave with no deal.
|barmy British stuff|