Table manners

The epitome of table manners

“Thank you.”

~ Kombie on releasing his body from rabid weasels

“Ouch.”

~ Guy who dropped a fork on his boner

Table manners were discovered by Martha Stewart during her exploration of Africa in the 19th century. They're a collection of universal social norms inscribed in a chunk of the Great Rift Valley granite, measuring 114.4 cm at its tallest point, 72.3 cm wide and 27.9 cm thick. Named the Rosetta Stone, the inscription's origin remains a mystery to this day. After decades of unsuccessful attempts to decipher its contents, king of The United Kingdom, Winston Churchill discovered during one of his boozing sprees that the inscriptions on the stone were perfectly legible given sufficient degree of intoxication by the reader. Since then table manners have been shaping the hospitality industry worldwide.

What you can expect your kitchen to look like after a fat person comes to visit

Description

Table manners will lead you to be aware of three distinct topics, all of which will be useful in making you sober as Churchill.

1. Usage of utensils and table implements (forks, knives, spatula)
2. Table behaviour
3. Avoiding awkward situations

Table implements

• Your fork should be held on the hand whichever handed you're not. If you're ambidextrous you can't hold a fork. The only exception is when there is no knife.
• Same applies to knife.
• Spoon can be held with whichever limb one wishes, unless there is no spoon (note: In England you have only one spoon). Or unless they don't have limbs.
• There should always be an odd number of spoons, as well as forks. For knives an even number is recommended.
• Total number of items on a table is not to exceed 35. Total number of tables is not to exceed three.
• Do not eat food with a hammer.

Behaviour at the table

• Wearing a hat is a mortal sin.
• Beans count as individual courses.
• Ice cream is not tolerated, for it melts and ruins the mood.
• Do not ingest your own limbs.
• The person sitting next to you does not find it funny if you wear their food.
• The ceiling is not a better thing to sit on than the chair (behave yourself Spiderman).
• Do (not) try to resist shitting on your food.
• No feet, elbows, knees, genitals or face on the table.
• Do not be tempted to eat the table, the tablecloth or the person sitting next to you.
• A lawnmower does not substitute a blender.
• Using your face to mash potatoes is not acceptable.
• Do not attempt to swim in the gravy boat.
• Do not under any circumstances interact with gingers, ninjas or ginger pirates.
• A hydrogen bomb is not an acceptable candle.
• If the person sat next to you smiles, do not spit in their eye.
• If a person pulls your chair, in politeness you should smack them with it.
• Generally, murder is not acceptable at the dinner table, except under certain circumstances.

Digestion-unfriendly situations

These refer to actions or events that interfere with your digestion, or that of your fellow diners. Take extreme caution in executing these, for failure to do so can result in their throwing up instead of ingesting.

• Micturition By no means shall you let others know you need to pee: Tell them you need to take a dump in the kitchen sink, which is much easier on people's minds than the image of peeing.
• Farts The biggest enemy of the social diner. If you feel like farting at the dinner table, clench your rear iris and try to make the air travel the other way. It will turn into the relatively less torturous burp. Why fart and waste, when you can burp and taste!
• Burps Generally off-putting, burps can be skillfully manipulated to be less disgusting. Carry a handkerchief. At the moment of reckoning pull it out and burp into it. Then wipe your face with the said hanky. You'll get a warm aroma of what you ingested recently, as an added bonus. No one notices. Smooth as a hot knife through butter.

Modern table manners take a variety of forms. There are versions for politicians, convicts and the lactose intolerant, just to name a few.

Medieval manners

Cleaning your ass with a spear: Sometimes, when you're in the bathroom, and you run out of toilet paper, the only thing left to do is to take the vintage spear and wipe your ass with that. It is a lot more sanitary, and you won't have to scream for help like those people who run out of toilet paper. (Unless, of course, it penetrates ... Never mind. Afterward, you may do battle with it. And yes, we feel it is necessary to dedicate an entire paragraph solely for this purpose.)

Funerals In the words of Monty Python: "Alright, he's dead. Let's not shit all over him." Of course, though, funeral anagrams to real fun.

Greeting Someone It is polite to eat shit at people. Redundant, but that's all they had in medieval times.

Elders It is perfectly acceptable to pee on an elder, as long as you say you thought they were a tree.