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“Weasels? Polecats? Ferrets? Stoats? Aren't we clever, coming up with ten different ways to say "stinky elongated rat."”

~ Noah Webster

Overview[edit | edit source]

Weasels are ferocious predators that normally travel in packs of at least ten. The poor little girl in the water is surely doomed.

Weasels are the supreme evil of the animal kingdom. They were spawned by Lucifer as he was cast out of heaven for getting too weisenheimerly. Weasels made up the devil's elite cadré of demons, plaguing mankind with their devious antics. The first weasels were gigantic, wreaking havoc wherever they went. It was not until the day of Moses that he was able to vanquish the weasels in an ultimate showdown, and banish them from isreal for forty years. Weasels are characterized by their duplicitous wiles, and have dragged many a Christian soul to the depths of depravity and ruin. This ultimate evil is housed in a relatively cute, fluffy body--yet another proof of its malevolence. Weasels possess the unholy powers of flight, laser beams, fire breath, the ability to misquote Oscar Wilde, and skeletonizing a cow in less than a minute.

Weasels are rat bastards. Not to be confused with a ferret or stoat, weasels are vicious baby-eating devils that are ironically cute as a button. Despite how innocent they look, they will chase you down while you're hiking in the woods and God knows "what-else" they'll do to you and your family. Oscar Wilde once said, "an economy is weak without virtue, but a weasel will kill you." Weasels are one of the most adored animals in the world, most certainly due to weasel propaganda such as "Pop Goes the Weasel" and the doped-up weasel portrayed by Looney Toons, but make no mistake, a weasel is NOT your friend. You could waste your time looking up where weasels live, but rather, just know that, they can be 'anywhere' and at 'any time.' So don't let your ex-wife go out into the woods by herself unless you don't want her to come back, wink,wink.

According to our sources, in 35 years a supreme weasel known as Lazer Weasel Prime will come to our dimension and reconstruct the world order or if we can find a way to stop just reconstruct your mother. Lazer Weasel Prime is the second most evil anomaly in the world other than asparagus. The only way we know how to stop Lazer Weasel Prime is to destroy it with pancakes.

Identifying a Weasel, Weasel Identity[edit | edit source]

Weasel is the name given to the rare spawn of individual known as Mitchell Barret. Not only has he got Weasel features but wherever he goes you can hear the echo of many a human... "WEASOOOOOOL"

Weasels will not hesitate to seduce you, be you male or female. Do not give in, only ruin can come from copiating with weasels.

Weasels have been verified to be being 23% more hilarious than ferrets, due to their collapsible skulls, sharp teeth, blood-red eyes that can stop a hooded cobra dead, and dry, well-timed wit that can devastate the insecure. They may be brown, reddish-brown, brown, red-brown, Michael Brown, brown, tawny or possibly brown. Their underbellies are said to be yellow, but in reality they are brown, which appears as kind of a brownish-white many, many shades lighter than brown. In rare cases, they may be white with blue eyes. Odd much?

Weasels are extraordinary and come in all shapes and sizes, though no one has ever seen a fat weasel. This perhaps is because weasels are not American, or perhaps simply they exercise for more than ten minutes and watch less than 15 minutes of television daily. Weasels enjoy watching commercials, pausing during television programs to craft forged legal documents until the next commercial break comes around.

It is important not to confuse weasels with stoats. If you confuse a weasel with a stoat, you will find yourself on the bitter end of litigation filed on behest of the legal weasels from Weasel, Weasel, Weasel and Marmot, a firm specializing in weasel defamation. A simple way of remembering this is to repeat the following rhyme whilst camping:

Frank Zappa. Weasels ripped his flesh.

Natural Habitat[edit | edit source]

The face of drudgery.

Weasels are highly adaptable and suited to many environments, but prefer tubular spaces such as PVC tubing, bongs, car exhaust pipes and bottomless pits to dwell in. Urbanized weasels have taken a liking for streetcorners in heavily travelled areas, where they get beat shitless by teens with baseball bats.

Weasels in Captivity[edit | edit source]

Because their antics are valued for video game design motion-capture techniques and their fur is sought for fake moustaches for Romanian women who can not grow one of their own, weasels have been the subjects of occasional efforts to breed them in captivity. Unfortunately, captive weasels tend to go pop during these efforts, and therefore breeding has not been entirely successful. Not a complete failure, mind you, but a near-complete failure. That's pretty much what I meant by "has not been entirely successful." Look, if I have to explain every-fucking-thing I do at night in bed, guess who's not going to write any more funny articles of yummy, yet very nutricious weasels, eh? Dick Cheney! That's right, the one who raised property taxes by 9%!

Diet[edit | edit source]

This sort of thing was once a common sight, but radioactive weasels are now banned from drinking in most pubs

Weasels are carnivorous and usually prey on small birds, mammals, Tootsie Rolls, prawn vindaloo, roquefort cheese, honey, and small pieces of "Weird Al" Yankovic's face. They have been known to supplement their diet with the occasional bowl of chicken soup and lokshen when available, though oddly enough it is customary for weasels to urinate into the soup before drinking it.

In Bishop's Stortford, there exists a tribe of weasels which live on nothing but kebabs and dodgy MDMA powder.

The Combative Weasel[edit | edit source]

Weasels are timid and will normally run from humans, BUT SOMETIMES THEY GET SEXUALLY AROUSED AND RAPE THEM, A cornered weasel will defend itself by shooting laser beams out of its eyes, hence the term "Lazer Weasel" (see top). If this tactic fails, some weasels[which weasels?] will go "Pop", although this typically results in death and will only use this defense as a last resort. Spyrogyra employ a similar mechanism - if one views spyrogyra under a microscope and agitates the slide, they pop. However, there is little evidence that spyrogyra and weasels are related, except possibly through marriage.

It should be remembered that weasels are generally known for their vicious tempers and bloodlust. This is demonstrated when a weasel has decimated an entire chicken coop, its eggs and all while only carrying off a single chicken for its midnight snack. Said chicken will have its blood drained, which make weasels akin to vampires. They are devious beings capable of mastering a wide range of weapons from french bread to chainsaw guns, and even bananas. Weasels are also incredibly stealthy, and kill quickly and silently, which makes them ninjas. Thus we see that weasels are, in essence, vampire-ninjas. They will head for the jugular, throat, back of the neck, windpipe, toes, feet, legs, torso, arms, fingers, face, eyes, head, or reproductive organs at blinding speed, claws unsheathed, eyes burning red, and razor sharp saber-teeth out and ready to slice through steel. Just check out this guy. [1]

W-Day[edit | edit source]

WWII was a hilarious war raged between the Allied forces and the Weasel Nazi regime. The fate of Europe was at stake, and the outcome of the war hinged on a single beach…  Omaha Beach.

The weasels had fortified the beach with all manner of silly traps and obstacles, making it practically impossible for the Allied forces to land. The weasels dug trenches, planted exploding acorns, and set up machine gun nests along the shore, and their artillery had complete control over the waters. The Allies knew that taking Omaha Beach was essential to their victory, but they also knew that the weasels would not give up the beach without a fight. So they planned and prepared for months, gathering intelligence, training troops and assembling a rather massive fleet of ships and rubber ducks.

On the morning of the invasion, the Allied ships approached the beach and the weasels opened fire with their laser eyes and slingshots. The Nazi weasels were determined to defend their territory, and they fought cutely, using their small size and weasely ways to dodge the Allied forces and attack from unexpected angles. The fighting was ridiculous, with both sides taking heavy losses. The weasels used their knowledge of the terrain to their advantage, launching surprise weasel attacks and flanking maneuvers that caught the Allied troops off guard. But the Allies fought back with determination, using their inferior weapons to slowly push the weasels back.

The Allied forces finally broke through the weasel defenses and gained a foothold on Omaha Beach. The weasels retreated to their strongholds, but the Allies pressed forward, determined to secure their position and score a victory for Freedom.

In the end, the Allies emerged victorious, having overcome the weasels and secured their place in comedy history. Omaha Beach became a symbol of laughter and joy, a testament to the countless lives eviscerated by a great evil.

But Can a Weasel Die?[edit | edit source]

The mortality of weasels has always been a matter of debate. It would stand to reason that a weasel, as with all other living things, would be subject to the menace of death, but researchers at Oxford University have failed to identify any incident in history of a weasel actually dying. The idea of "weasel immortality" is furthered by controlled experiments exposing weasels to extreme conditions. In one study, both a weasel and an otter were subjected to temperatures of up to 1200° (can't remember if it was Celsius or Fahrenheit, but really hot all the same) inside pressurized chambers for two hours. Upon completion of the experiment, the otter came out a bloody cesspool of mushy organs, but the weasel came out in-tact, smiling and performing the river dance. In another notable case, a weasel was placed inside a BlendTec blender in "Will It Blend?", a popular YouTube series in which the BlendTec CEO demonstrates the effectiveness of his company's blender by attempting to blend objects seemingly impossible to do so. Despite turning the blender onto its highest setting, it erupted into a bright, billowing orange flame. Emerging from the flame was the weasel, unharmed but with fury in its beady eyes and brandishing its horrid claws. The CEO fled unharmed, but the company issued an apology for misrepresenting its "infallible" blender and subsequently filed for bankruptcy. We may never know for certain whether or not a weasel can be killed, much less die, but one thing is certain--don't fuck with a weasel.

Weasel Safety[edit | edit source]

Weasels, as do otters, love Skittles! If you happen upon a weasel, offer it some Skittles--but if you don't have any, it's best to just run. Don't bother playing dead, because weasels don't fall for that shit. Carry an ax as well at all times, to sever its head as it sinks its little greedy, but ever-so-cute claws into you. Whatever you do though, DO NOT blow on it's face. The Weasel Appropriations Act of 2009 (WAA-09) prohibits us from knowing why, but it's strictly forbidden.

Something you might already know:

The weasel was ranked 3rd place as the most murderous animal.

Communication[edit | edit source]

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Weasels communicate with one another in an elaborate language consisting of squeaks, growls, 1337 and written depositions. When at a loss for words, weasels subpoena each other for conversation, or quote freely from Encino Man. They have also been known to utilise Second World War field radios.

See also[edit | edit source]

Weasel stomping