Offering a bribe is an inducement to the party offered to accept it. If the party refused, then you are in a helluvalot more trouble than you were before. Try to remember why you offered the bribe in the first place. Is it to get the NASA contract when you do not even look at the moon? Is it to send your son into Harvard when he is not even a Wikipedian? Or is it to allow the cop to have a drink instead of writing you a ticket? Want to get into Congress without really campaigning? Or you are simply corrupted? Well, then welcome to the club. You are not the only one in fact you will be the odd one out if you do not use bribes.
Do Not Confuse With Bride[edit | edit source]
Bribing means you offer something to rob someone else of a chance from getting it. For example, you do not want your neighbours' kids to enter Harvard so you bribe the Dean to strike their names out. You have to leave a tip to make him wear his glasses so he does not accidentally strike out your son's name which you already paid a bigger bribe for earlier.
Your son may in turn bribe the Dean with a higher amount to make sure he is recommended to Baywatch Life Guard School instead. Thus you must understand that bribing is not a static affair. It is more like gambling, only worse as it is not allowed in the casino.
Getting sex by paying someone is not a bribe. It is called prostitution. Paying a much higher price is also not it. It means you are in Tokyo. Paying for a bride is also not it. That is done by a mail-order-bride syndicate. Bribing girls for sex is thus unnecessary unless you are a jerk and she is desperate for cash. But then that is prostitution which is legal depending on what currency you are using. Many prostitutes prefer jewels, cars, re-loadable cards, plastic surgery services, or spa services such as massages, manicures or pedicures as currency.
If you caught your swimming coach trying to touch you in places that is giving you pleasure instead of pain, then you may request for a bribe. If he refused then tell him its an extortion not amounting to blackmail. If he still refuse to admit it, then tell him its his turn to pay back for the last date that you had with him but he forgot his wallet.
If you are still confused, call on your local congressman, school principal or local police chief for more precise definitions. Wikipedia is the last place to look because they live on donations and free beer. If you need a live demonstration, ask an attorney.
Bribery and Sex[edit | edit source]
Since your mind is dirty, you might ask, "Has bribes got anything to do with sex?". The answer is "If you happen to be offering sex as a form of bribe". Sex, like money, a door gift, loyalty cards, smiling cab-drivers or a faster than usual courier service is another form or medium that a bribe may take. Devout and religious individuals may not be tempted by money or politics nor sex, but then 'offered sex with a surprise gift' may arouse their curiosity that might just the straw that breaks the camel's back. Therefore if your target does not accept your offers, think laterally. You will think of something.
Everyone Bribes Everyone[edit | edit source]
- That smart kid who always gets A's on all his tests bribes the local bully to leave him alone.
- Richard Nixon tried to do that to All The President's Men but when he couldn't come up with the money they released Watergate.
- Brad Pitt offered a bribe to Angelina Jolie to give him babies but instead she extorted so much from him that they got twins. Plus couple of orphans.
- Your local MP (member of parliament) to the party leadership to get his name on the ballot paper.
- Your local MP for asking you to vote for him and when you asked what is he standing for, he slipped you a ten.
- Your local MP after been elected, when you asked him what he is doing about the low water pressure in your area, he slipped you a twenty.
- That drunk guy in the nightclub bribed the bouncer at the door of the local nightclub to let him in when he was already drunk.
- You yourself when you pay double to your son to erase all memory he has of you flirting with your secretary when he dropped by the office to get his earlier bribes.
Some history of Bribery[edit | edit source]
Bribery probably, just probably started when the dinosaurs wanted a good planet to step on. They paid to some angels to forgo quality assurance and checks for leaking that would cost them higher.
During the Exodus, those who were waiting for Moses bribed Aaron to allow them to make their Golden Calf so that they got richer for the front seats to the view. While in front of the Pilate, Jesus could not counter the huge bribe given by the plaintiffs to the judge and he was sentenced 3 crucifixions for the price of one. The Saudi regime in recent times used oil instead to get Lawrence of Arabia to send tanks and beauty models.
There are attempts to cloud organised bribes with terms and difficult to grasp covers such as Act of Congress, CNN, The Apprentice. You have weapons of mass destructions in your country, the United Nations, and Uncyclopedia.
Today[edit | edit source]
Bribery Among Countries[edit | edit source]
America is actually certified 100% clean as it is ranked no.1 on the World Corruption Index. At the bottom is Zimbabwe, arranged alphabetically. One of the most famous bribery scandal on a government to government level is carried out between Somalia and China. When the bribe was not accepted in Chinese Yuan, the Chinese sent their aircraft carrier instead.
The European Union was formed very quickly due to the lubricating effect of bribes paid in Pound Sterlings, German Marks, French Francs, Old Guilders and Pirate skulls. In return they received useless Euros.
Bribes and Human Progress[edit | edit source]
Bribing is important that it is taught in Masters of Business Administration (MBA) under the topic of How to Become Successful Without Really Trying. Law is another important subject that plays a crucial part in determining the amount of bribes, and how much tax to pay for all those bribes accepted to the Inland Revenue. Make sure when you are filing in your tax returns to insist on a recent Bribe Tax Reduction Scheme. The following are famous bribes to get these people to where they are today:
- El Salvador and other Latin American governments in getting Hollywood to make 2012 to get a lot of tourists before 2012.
- Michael Jackson to Oprah Winfrey to mention his name in outrageous scandal to make him an all-time legacy.
- Queen Elizabeth to Guy Fawkes to burn down the Old Bailey so that they make it a huge Hollywood success.
- Madonna to Christina Aguilera to kiss her to keep her career alive and sell more records.
- Mother Theresa's convent on getting all religious orders be they Hindus, Christians, Muslims or Atheists to revere her during her funeral procession.
- Barrack Obama on getting Hilary Clinton to declare defeat when she was actually ahead in the polls.
- Hilary Clinton when she became the Secretary of State without been ahead in the polls.
- Exxon Mobil on getting terrorists to blow up more oil wells to bring up the price of oil.
- Exxon Mobil on getting Wall Street to hedge funds to earn a windfall when the price of oil crashed.