Angelina Jolie

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Angelina Jolie. Photo found on Brad Pitt's iPhone.

Skinny thin, soya latte actress Angelina Jolie (born Angelina Jolie Voight; June 4, 1975) is now best known for her choice in men, babies and film roles. She is classified as a leading Hollywood actress, despite generally mediocre audience popularity. Oscar nominated, Jolie was once willing to bare all for the cameras but now prefers to just hang out the occasional leg at major red carpet events.

Once a rather a plump teenager and looking a lot like a chubby Liv Tyler, Jolie rose to notice when she appeared as a skin exposing model in Gia . Her next film anyone recalls was the action seeking, pneumatic archaeologist Lara Croft in Lara Croft:Tomb Raider. Jolie was accused of dumbing down Lara in the film and talking about the lost Sumerian civilisation that had made this video game to popular. There then followed a number of middling to crap films before Jolie landed on her talons for Mr & Mrs Smith. The film's success and her decision to dump one husband for someone else's made her a tabloid heroine.

It was around this time that Jolie ceased to connect with the real world and has since been lost in a haze of iron fisted publicity. She was last seen to smile without assistance in 2005. However, since 2016, Angelina and Brad broke up due to her widespread whorishness and Brad's fetish for slapping their kids on airplanes.

Origins[edit | edit source]

A candid photograph of Jolie taken by her brother

Angelina Jolie is the daughter of actor Jon Voight and a French woman who no one can ever remember the name of. This accounts for Jolie's distinctly exotic looks and also her willingness to shed clothing for film roles (no doubt a legacy of her Gallic connections). Her role as a drug addled model in 'Gia' made her one of the top searches in Google at the time and lead to that company's international success later on.

Her early life saw her father Voight abandon his family for the freedom to remain a romantic film lead. As a consequence Jolie became close to her brother James Haven, dressed like him. Their closeness led to suggestions that they shared more than clothes and make up ideas but Jolie has denied she has been anything else but a 'big sister' to her brother.

It was around this time that Jolie met and married an English actor, Jonny Lee Miller. It was later suggested that she married Miller to gain the role of the British accented Lara Croft in Tomb Raider. Certainly Jolie's accent was much commented at the time. That particular film wasn't a great success and Jolie also dumped her husband and tried to go Hollywood mainstream. There followed a number of films of so-so quality, though Jolie's interest in 'exotic body art' (tattoos in other words) began a trend for other stars - both male and female - to get theirs too.

Her boobs are only seen by Brad Pitt. People who she has rejected cannot see her boobs. For these people she holds her hands over her boobs, as in this photo.

Jolie had by now hooked up with the rough looking Billy Bob Thornton. Though she was still famous for her family connections, Jolie's career was still showing signs of going no where fast. At her many film auditions at this time, Jolie was offered various roles as a goth, goth slasher or 'foreign looking woman who could be dangerous'. When Jolie tried to go for comedies or romantic movies, she was told ''re no Jennifer Aniston. She is the woman Americans want to see having her lips wetted by....' and so on. Jolie was hurt. Revenge would come. Was it in her imagination or was Brad Pitt looking for the rough stuff. If so, Angelina knew how to satisfy that requirement.

Brad Pitt[edit | edit source]

Angelina Jolie used to look like this in Photoshop CSI 1. Sigh...

Once a bit of a pretty boy himself, Brad Pitt was looking to expand his film range. By marrying Jennifer Aniston, he appeared to be in the perfect marriage. Film directors wanted him to appear in some great romantic film with Aniston but the couple declined. When a more off-beat film drama titled Mr & Mrs Smith was offered in 2004, Pitt got the role. Aniston at first seemed quite relaxed, Jolie looked so odd and ugly to her that Aniston thought she had no worries. Why would 'Braddy' fall for her witch-like looking woman when he could come home to her every night, fresh milk cookies and smothery hugs as her presents. So when Aniston got the message that 'Braddy' wanted out of their marriage, Aniston went beserk. In a secret meeting with her old Friends co-stars, all vowed to do their best to 'bury this woman's career'. But it was Jolie who would come out on top (literally with Brad Pitt). Aniston's reputation and career has suffered ever since. She is speculated to have married Brad.

Babies[edit | edit source]

Mrs. Jolie has dedicated her life to relieving world hunger.

Angelina Jolie was now on the A list, or even the Triple AAA+ list. Now her body underwent changes. Now she shed more and more weight, coming closer to the shape of a cat walk model than an actress. So fast was Jolie's body change shape that when she was asked to provide the voice and digital template physical template of the evil seductress of Grendel's Mother in Beowulf, viewers of the film lamented that the resultant nude shape changer was nothing like Jolie anymore. The film wasn't a success and Jolie's reputation of the ice queen made her unsympathetic screen presence.

Typically Jolie chose this moment to go 'adoptive mother'. It wasn't as if she didn't need children, her and Pitt have had no problems in issuing the next generation of Lindsay Lohans for the electronic media but that wasn't enough. Angelina Jolie wanted to re-create the United Nations under her family roof and has since adopted many children (plus the ones no one except her know about) in competition with Madonna. Brad Pitt was meantime coming under public siege from Jennifer Aniston, claiming that 'anytime', 'Braddy' would leave Jolie and their freaky family and move back in with her. It didn't happen.

Future[edit | edit source]

We Know. You want those lips.

Jolie has now moved into arty film direction. Her recent film about the civil war and break up of Yugoslavia recently received an option to be turned into a film comedy for...yes...Jennifer Aniston and Justin Bieber. Expecting Jolie to hit the roof, Aniston was shocked when Jolie called and congratulated her old enemy on the choice. It is understood that Aniston has since backed off.

Her Leg[edit | edit source]

At the 2012 Oscars Angelina Jolie exposed her leg on the red carpet. Admirers say this was Jolie acting in solidarity with the recent Arab Spring but, then again, it could be just about showing off her pins. Desperate advertisers are said to be beating the shit out of each other queueing up to sign Jolie's leg for an advertising campaign to promote hand-signed nylons.

Filmography[edit | edit source]

Pixels can lie. Ray Winstone is lot better looking than this body double!
  • Incest. 1993 (TV only. The Home Bedroom Movie Channel).
  • Grrr. 1996.
  • Girl Grinding. 1998.
  • Pushing Drugs. 2000.
  • Lara: Accent Raider. 2001.
  • Lara:Why Hasn't Anyone Got Me Out of this Franchise? 2003.
  • Colin Farrell's Mother. 2004.
  • Stealing New Husband. 2005.
  • Leaving Old Husband. 2006.
  • Anglo-Saxon Pixel Candy . 2007
  • Ready Salted. 2009.
  • My Wet Ass. 2010.
  • My Right Leg. 2012.
  • Boring Movie No One is Ever Going to Watch but Will Win Awards as Everyone Wants Me to Turn Up. 2012. (Director Only).
  • My Left Leg. (pre-production). Release date 2013.

Gallery[edit | edit source]