Jennifer Aniston
Jennifer Aniston (born February 11, 1969), more commonly known as Polly Prince, is a well known circus freak reject posing as an actress. Most renowned from her peculiar, lion-like face, surprisingly small breasts, super hair and her work on Friends, in which she "acted". She is also known for beinng a half ginger and being in "Rent". Her father, John Aniston, also "acts" on the daytime drama Days Of Our Lives as a walking corpse named Victor Kiriakis. Her mother is God-knows-who and does God-knows-what. She is currently going out with marijuana activist Mark Emery, who met her in a thirty-four on one gangbang John Mayer, her pet dog.
Controversy and strife[edit | edit source]
Jennifer Aniston likes to remind everyone that her family comes from Greece, though some of the dumber people in the Hollywood film industry thought she meant Grease and wondered how Olivia Newton John was looking so good. Her career as an actress wasn't really going anyway until she answered the casting call for Friends. Perhaps Aniston thought it was an organisation for L.A. lonely hearts but she got the role of Rachel and the rest was Hollywood history. The series was incredibly popular and sold well outside the USA as well, Aniston again reminding everyone that being Greek she was a Hollywood Goddess of Love and would one day get her Achilles. Brad Pitt answered the call and the couple were married in 2000. In 2004, she has come out as gay.
They became Hollywood's 'power couple' though Aniston's non-Rachel work was hobbled by the desire of her publicists not to do anything that was 'daring' or 'edgy' in case she spoilt her TV paychecks. Rich shampoo companies were relying on Aniston to stay the same way but though Jennifer kept her money, she lost her hubby. How this happened is not exactly clear but it is alleged Pitt had his 'reality check' when waking up one morning in a haze of sobriety recognized Aniston more closely resembled an Afghan hound than a Hollywood hottie. Other reports indicated that Aniston was finally able to see past her snout-like nose to notice she couldn't distinguish the difference between Pitt and the Queen Anne Chair in the corner of her living room. The two split up but Aniston believed this would be only temporary as she was the Goddess of Comedy after all. And then Brad met Angelina Jolie, preferring the feline tattooed smorgasbord to Aniston's Colgate toothpaste nicey-nicey image. It should be noted since then, she has plotted to break them up which was successful in 2016 due to Brad's drinking problem which only reminded him of what he had with Jennifer and he's never going to get it back.
She was stunned that Pitt would switch from her smothering-comforting attractions to sleep with a woman whose sinewy body resembled a starved greyhound. Deeply upset, Aniston tried to carry on as saccharine Rachel but her heart wasn't in it anyone. She developed a new career as that of human waterfall. The lazier of the paparazzi have taken to staying near Aniston when they are expecting more good news from the PR machine of Pitt and Jolie, knowing that this will result in a levy-rupturing flood of tears every time. The downside of this is that those photographers are easily identifiable as they are forced to work in hip waders and sou'westers.
"Perhaps Jennifer Aniston divorced Brad Pitt because he grew tired of her pussy. It is not a very interesting pussy, after all. No one would ever know for sure...except that we have the pictures." said a reporter from News of the World.
Aniston now tried out her 'rough' and started to date John Mayer. It worked for awhile, making themselves available to the press to show getting the hots with Mayer with intimate groping scenes on beaches and in restaurants. But Brad stayed with Angelina, he showed no interest in wanting to return sharing a bed with his ex-wife once again.
Since that failure, Aniston has prayed to Morgan Freeman (who is of course God) to give her special powers so she can go around and wipe the floor with Angelina Jolie, but so far these prayers have not been answered.
When People Still Cared[edit | edit source]
People used to care about Aniston when she was on friends and dated Brad Pitt. She still lives in that world, also known as the 6th dimension. All the damn coverage about her divorce is overexposed. We know the big lipped monster took Brad, we know it's over, just leave her alone already. Nowadays, the only time people think of her, is when someone in a bar asks "How long would it take her to shovel a ton of shit into a dumpster with that chin of hers?"
Age and multiple surgeries[edit | edit source]
Jennifer is at least in her 40's and still thinks that people are following her around taking pictures of her, so she et botox injections at least once a week. jen , unlike rival Angelina Jolie, has had multiple nose jobs and has had her whole face re constructed. she is just trying to look younger that jolie but will never succeed.she dates guys that are in their 20's to look younger, but she dosnt get that it makes her look older. the surgeries did nothing.
Jolie vs. Aniston[edit | edit source]
| Age | Do twigs age? | recently celebrated 55th b'day |
| Height | 5'8" | 4'1" |
| Weight | Light weight | 6 lbs |
| Born | Of Jimmy Savile | of Jimmy Hill |
| Income | Earns Money as a sweeping broom | Romantic Comedies than only she goes to see |
| Ex | The cast of twilight and any other vampire like freak | How long do you have? |
| Plus points | There is no + | She used to be on B.E.L.L.E.N.D.S. You know, that show with Matt LeBlanc? |
| Weak Points | armpit when hit with a chode | inherited ugly chin, fake everything else |
| Sexuality | Vampire | who cares? |
| What would happen if these 2 have a catfight | Would crush Jennifer with lips | Death by crushing |
| Best Friends | no friends. | The Samaritans |
| Enemies | Jennifer Aniston | The Catholic Church and everyone else |
| Why we like her | We Don't | Do we? |
| Most famous for Portraying | A Stick in "Don't get Snappy" | Bob Marley |
| Now dating | With longtime boy-friend Brad Pitt | should we give our sympath?]] |
| Children | the continent of Africa | Terrified of children and eats them for a living |
Filmography[edit | edit source]
- Horrible Actress (2011)...She plays bad, she acts bad.
- He's Just Not Coming Back to You (2010)..As herself. Brad Pitt guests as a stuffed lamp stand.
- The Brad Hunter (2010)...as herself. Psychotic ex-wife kills runaway husband, his lover, their adopted children etc..
- Just Do It With Me Again (2009)....as a "cutesy" spinster type (y'know, with a hairy mole and over 10 cats) who kidnaps a fading Hollywood A-lister...
- Hitchhikers Guide to Whining (2008) ... As herself
- It should've been me(2008)...as herself.
- His cocknose is funnier than my shovel-chin...herself in the "Making of" documentary of Marley...
- Marley and my Chin (2008) ... As woman with a huge ass chin
- Definitely NOT a Friends Reunion (2008) .... As anybody but Rachel
- Not Wanted by anyone (2007) ... As herself
- I'm so Ronery (2007)...as the jilted girlfried of Kim Jong Il in the sequel to Team America World Police
- Face Smeared in the Dirt by Angelina (2007) ... As herself
- HULK (2006) ... As herself
- Along Came Angelina (2005) ... As herself
- Rumour has it that Angelina is going to kick her ass (2005) ... As herself
- Derailed relationships (2005) ... As herself
- The Break Up - Jennifer Aniston Life Story (2005) ... As herself
TV[edit | edit source]
- Friends:30 Years After..2011 (Pilot)..Rachel
- Friends (1994-2004)...Rachel
- Molloy (1990)...Courtney Love