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“Seriously man, it would have been cheaper if you'd just killed her. And the chances of me getting you off for that would of been a lot better than the chances of you not losing your house!”

~ a typical divorce attorney

“Marriage is grand. Divorce is one hundred grand.”

~ Random bumper sticker

“I hate divorce... It's so cliché. I'm not a cliché kind of person, just so you know.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Divorce

Ahhh the great escape It happens a lot. Most marriages end in them. And there seems to be a decline in spousal murder since they became more available. You know - divorce could be a good thing. But, you've just got to learn to take the good with the bad. Got to get through the stages. The typical divorce:

Divorce. It's the end[edit | edit source]

Lightning strikes over 50% of American marriages.

She doesn't love me any more. It's not my fault. I mean - I was a good husband. I got her flowers on her birthday, I kissed her before I went to work, well when I wasn't running late. But even then, I still made the effort. I did everything. It's not like I wasn't responsive. I was always there. I cooked every so often. You know - so it was special, and different. Giving her a night off. I'd rub her back. And maybe she didn't always respond to it the way I'd have liked her too, but I still did it. And Ask Men said that was a good thing.

Still, 2 years. That's a long time for her just to end it. I mean, so what if I didn't keep in shape so much. I'm over 30, and your metabolism changes and slows down or whatever. I'm not a machine. It was inevitable really. Still, she took the best years of my life. And now look at me. She just took the best of me, my money, my youth, my ... Oh, stop thinking that way. She said she wanted to be friends. For the kid's sake.

Divorce. It's the beginning[edit | edit source]

As BoDeans said, "Everybody wants to be closer to free." Divorce is your freedom. It is your freedom to stay up as late at night as you want. It is your freedom to be the slob you want. It is your freedom to sleep on as much of the bed as you want. It is your freedom to be the pig that you want to be in your own half of the home. Once the house has been split in half, that half of the home is all yours. YOU ARE FREE!!!!!

And don't forget, you are free to sleep around with whomever you wish!

Kids[edit | edit source]

I wonder how this will effect the kids. Yeah, kids of a divorce. You hear about it on Rikki Lake and stuff. They never quite seem normal. I'm sure my two will be fine. I'll let her have custody, but I want to see them a lot still. I love them, I mean - I did make them. I'll be nice to them. Giving them money and stuff. Making 'DadTime' more special. That way they'll love me more than her. I mean - I am the nice one. She's the one that decided she doesn't love me any more and would run off with Suzanne. I also heard that kids of divorced parents can become psychotic killers and rapists, but hey, what can you do?

Joy?[edit | edit source]

Yeah - you know what, I'm glad she's gone. Good riddance to her. She was a crap wife anyway. She could hardly cook. And she never ... well, did certain things in the bedroom Reminds me of that joke. The only difference between my wife and my job was that after a year, my job still sucked. Okay - that was pretty vulgar, but it's true. And she let herself go. She's say things, and I'd have to bite my tongue a lot.

  • Wife: 'Augh. My boobs are small. Is there any way I can make then bigger?'
  • Me: 'Well, get some toilet paper, and once a day, run it through your cleavage, for about 20 years.'
  • Wife: 'Will that work?'
  • Me: 'Probably, did for your arse.'

I wish I'd said that when she asked me. Jesus. So many times I had to build her confidence up. 'No, you look nice'. 'No, it looks perfect' 'what do you mean fat? You, nope. You could never be fat'. When I was really thinking 'STEP AWAY FROM THE FORK'.

Regret[edit | edit source]

I should stop talking like this. I still love her. I'm just being bitter. 2 years. That's a long time. I guess I'm more just annoyed. I think I need to sort out my life. Re-evaluate everything. Starting with myself. I should grow a beard. Sort out my hair. Get it cut short, or maybe streaked like that bloke I saw. Yeah, I can start wearing shorts and sandals again. She always said I looked silly, but it doesn't matter now.

Hope[edit | edit source]

Ha ha, I could wear socks and sandals together. I bet that's actually quite comfortable. I'd look an idiot though. Still - it would be comfy. I'll do it just round the house. Oh, speaking of which - I'll need to get an apartment or new house. I wonder where I could get one. I could go to the gay district - they're always so nice there. And clean. 'Cept people'd think I was gay. And constantly getting hit on would be annoying. It'd happen all the time. My body might weigh more, but I've still got it.

And I can get a new car. I can get a sports car. Like a nice one. And not have to worry about being able to 'get a weeks shop in the boot'. That's Suzanne's problem now. I've seen one of those Lambo's, One of the new ones. It looks right nice. I might need a loan for it though. Though - I think without the worry of the kid's, I'll be able to afford it. Yeah, a new car. I'll look cool in it.

My new hair. My new beard. My new Car. My New Life. I think this divorce might be the best thing to happen to me in a long time. I don't know why people say they're so bad. I mean, I haven't heard anything about money off her.

Finance[edit | edit source]

Oh, I've just got a letter. It's a thick one. In a big brown envelope. It's from her lawyers. Oh cool - it's got something printed on the rim. It says 'Divorce - From the Latin, meaning Removal of the testicles, through the wallet.'

Oh Crap.

rest in peace

See Also[edit | edit source]