Husband

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So young ... and so completely fucked.

A husband is a wild hominid found all over the world in such modern habitats as East Wopping and Yellowknife. It is considered the dominant alpha male in most suburban households. If you see a wild husband in public, placate the irritable creature with softcore pornography – but if it becomes engorged, run.

Genus
More Sophisticated Than: Pithecanthropus eructus ("Belching Man")
Less Sophisticated Than: Homo habilis ("Handy Man")

Early Life And Development[edit | edit source]

The adult life of a husband is similar to that of a mayfly – impotency and death. The only difference between a husband and a bachelor (the husband's larval form) is that the former has a legal companion, "the wife" (colloquially, "my bitch"). Typically the bachelor does a ceremonial "knee drop" to ask the bachelorette to forever sexually please him and make sandwiches at his request, and she accepts on condition that she gets his insurance and, post-divorce, full custody of any children.

However, the bachelor has not become a full-grown husband yet. It's not until he and his companion sign a form that basically tells both of them they are now one human being both financially and physically – in fact, it's not uncommon for some states to order a married couple sewn together at the hip.

Marriage Rituals[edit | edit source]

Before the marriage ceremony, the bachelor throws his last wild party with some of his best college buddies, who get him drunk and a professional escort. At the ceremony, both the husband and the wife get their family and friends together to talk shit about them and watch as their pathetic lives are thrown away. The husband typically brings and relies on his mother, despite the fact that he hasn't talked to her in years, and spends most of his time drinking and dancing.

Finally there is the honeymoon, which neither the husband nor the wife can afford. It's very likely in Hawaii (on a loan), where they will have met any number of adulterous bachelorettes when the wife remembers one years later.

What A Husband Is Not[edit | edit source]

  • Happy
  • Optimistic
  • Independent
  • Affluent
  • Tamed
  • Appreciated
  • Affectionate
  • Romantic

How To Spot A Husband[edit | edit source]

  • Playboy magazines ... in the bathroom
  • Children
  • Palor (most likely from never going outside)
  • Howling at night
  • Cushions on the couch that sport the silhouette of a sleeping body rather than buttocks

See also[edit | edit source]