Small Penises Anonymous

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Man with small penis (the offending organ is covered in shame)

Small Penises Anonymous (SPA) was founded by Dick Head in 1996 as a moral, emotional, and psychological support group for men whom nature, God, or both have cursed with small penises.

Definition[edit | edit source]

By SPA standards, a man has been so cursed if his member virile measures three or fewer inches in length and fewer than one and a half inches in circumference (girth).

Measuring Method[edit | edit source]

Measurements are taken along the upper side of the erect penis, from the tip of the glans to the groin, for length, and around the middle of the shaft of the erect penis, for circumference.

CAUTION[edit | edit source]

For men with small penises, or MwSP, measuring the organ can be embarrassing or humiliating, although there may also be some physiological satisfaction associated with the masturbatory activity required to bring the penis to its erect state.

Small Penis Effects[edit | edit source]

Psychological and sociological studies of penis size show that MwSP tend to be introverted, shy, socially withdrawn, and have low self-esteem. Many also have acne, flagellate themselves, examine their penises through magnifying glasses to make the organs appear larger, and spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on useless “remedies” that are supposed to increase the length and circumference of their appendages, despite the fact that research shows that such Penis Enlargement Techniques do not work and that women quite often lie, saying that size does not matter if a man with a small penis has other, compensatory qualities such as a sizeable fortune, a mansion, a luxury automobile, and a yacht.

Therapeutic Meetings[edit | edit source]

SPA members meet at least once each week in a meeting hall or in one another’s homes for counseling and a therapeutic “circle jerk” during which they masturbate in unison while they talk about their experiences, console one another, and offer moral support, guidance, and advice. Whenever one of the members ejaculates, the others praise him, applauding his demonstration of his virility and self-worth. Members are cautioned against comparing the sizes of their organs with one another because, even among MwSP, there can be significant differences in length and circumference.

12-step Program[edit | edit source]

SPA is based on a 12-step program:

  1. We admit that we are powerless over our “condition” and that, because of it, our lives have become unmanageable.
  2. We believe, after having participated, often as human guinea pigs, in many agonizing and expensive self-help programs, that there is no pill, exercise, diet, or other panacea that will add length and girth to our penises.
  3. We decide not to make penis size the focus of our thoughts, feelings, values, and lives.
  4. We vow to appreciate ourselves for other qualities, as soon as we figure out what they are.
  5. We admit to ourselves, each other, and God that our problem is largely a perceptual one, stemming from the perceptions of others--especially women--that “size matters.”
  6. We accept that, despite the small sizes of our penises, they are as fully functional as any larger organ and just as virile, masculine, and heterosexual.
  7. We will quit harping upon our shortcomings.
  8. We list all the women (and, if applicable, men) with whom we’ve had sexual intercourse and ask their forgiveness for any embarrassment, humiliation, or lack of pleasuring them that our affliction may have caused them to suffer.
  9. We no longer apologize for having insignificant penises.
  10. We resign ourselves to the facts that we will be abused, embarrassed, humiliated, insulted, scorned, and teased most of the time by most people but will resist the impulse to castrate ourselves and thereby cast off our offending organs.
  11. We appreciate that not all of our problems are caused by having tiny penises.
  12. We share the misery of having a wee wee wee with other men who have wee wee wees.

Charlatans[edit | edit source]

Some men have claimed to have small penises, but testimony from their wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, physicians, or others have countered their assertions. For this reason, the following men's claims to have small penile appendages should be regarded with skepticism and the claimants themselves as potential charlatans:

  • Forrest Tucker (11 inches)
  • Milton Berle (13 inches)
  • John Dillinger (1.5 miles)

Posthumous Members[edit | edit source]

SPA has also inducted famous deceased MwSP into their “Hall of Shame,” including Napoleon Bonaparte, the guy who posed for Michelangelo‘s David, whoever that was, and--well, that’s it, actually.

External Links[edit | edit source]