Marmite School for Boys and Young Gentlemen
Hey parents!
Tired of dealing with the politics of your local school system?
Want your kid to have the best education possible?
Then look no further than the Marmite School for Boys and Young Gentlemen
Established in 1864, the Marmite School for Boys and Young Gentlemen has been furthering the minds of young children and forming the next generation of sophisticated gentlemen for over a century; in our humble location in a suburb somewhere in Ohio, our dedicated teachers have shaped many people. Movie stars, scientists, peace makers, astronauts, in fact it is guaranteed that fifty out of five hundred students will be able to get a job with our education. Our motto entsprechen oder sterben (comply or die) is reflective of the high quality of our education, to us it suggests pride, dedication, honor, respect. Unlike various school systems across the globe, we take this motto to heart; we don't cut corners when it comes to our education, in fact we take corners in order to provide you with the best quality education possible.
So what does our school offer?
- A better education Unlike public schools, we go a step further in that we teach what other schools are afraid to teach; it has been said that the child's brain offers a lot of potential so what better way to exploit that potential than to teach them those subjects. Unlike regular school, you don't get regular math like addition and subtraction, you get calculus and advanced trigonometry; critics say that kids aren't smart enough to learn this stuff, well we say they are and we're going to work hard to teach them this stuff. After all, what do kids in public school do? Be lazy and play video games that's what.
- Uniforms They say that allowing kids to wear their own clothing dilutes their potential; instead of focusing on stuff like education and studies, they focus on stuff like how good their clothes look and what clothes they should wear. By wearing uniforms, no kid can focus on looking good because everyone will be the same; it has been suggested that those wearing uniforms get better grades than those without, don't mind what the newspapers say because they're just controlled by the public school system who are dirty cost cutters who don't care about kids.
- Strict discipline Do you know why grades are low across the nation, it isn't because of the "No Child Left Behind" act or the underfunding of schools, it's because kids aren't disciplined enough. Stupid public schools think that they can teach children by having them sit with a psyciatrist, it doesn't solve the real issue! Kids require spankings, kids require time outs and kids require that they'd be told by an adult. Here, we institute the strictest of punishments; can't figure out what 1 + 1 is, get a spanking. Talk to another kid during class, time out. Pull off a prank at school, extra homework. This discipline ensures that kids are in line as they learn that it's not wise to go against their masters; in fact that lesson will help them to focus in school and get excellent grades.
- Ease of mind When you send your kids to public school, do you know what you're sending them to? People you can't trust, you might have your kid molested or abused in public school. With us, you get the upmost of trust; in fact we're so trustworthy that we'll talk to you just so you can feel at ease. When your child is at Marmite School for Boys and Young Gentlemen, you feel as if you're part of the staff, as if you were there with your kids ourselves. We have nothing to hide, we're completely open and that openness will make you feel safe guaranteed.
What makes your school better than our school?
Good question, since we're a private school we don't have to follow the rules are fellow public schools do therefore we can do anything we want to enhance the educational process. Our scientists have worked ten-fold to come up with a process that'll help most children, they've spent hours studying the behavior of children, the effectiveness of education and the brain patterns of various subjects so you know our process is the best for your child. We're also not limited by what we can teach; unlike public schools which have laws about what they can teach, we can teach our students anything and we can do it in any way possible. We don't have a safe science class where all we dissect is a frog, we have an educational science class where we mess around with live chemicals; seriously, would a science teacher learn anything if they did the things that have proven to be ineffective.
We also have tons of money at our disposal and since we aren't bound to give that money to our local government, we can use it for meaningful things such as making our school look as pretty as possible. Nothing is the limit when it comes to our standards and we've made sure we've gotten nothing but the best. Every hallway in our school has luxurious looks ranging from expressive arches to expressive paintings which serve to instill hope and inspiration in the youth of tomorrow; this is compared to the public schools where everything is a bland hallway with white paint and nondescript lockers which are so cheap that they serve to bring shame to the public school. Seriously you wouldn't trust your child to a school like that would you? Wouldn't you rather trust your child with a fancy looking school like us? As Sir Farnsworth said, "The fancier you look, the better you are."
Testimonies?
As if you didn't need any reminding on how great this school is.
| “ | When my son was in public school, we were having so many problems; he was failing English, he was talking back to he and he was being a disappointment. Since I enrolled him at Marmite School for Boys and Young Gentlemen, he’s become a little genius to the point where he can recite the digits of Pi to the 30,000th digit. Thank you Marmite!
Marian Webster – Youngstown, OH |
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| “ | I have my son enrolled at Marmite and I’ve been seeing red marks on him all the time, he says that he’s been falling down a lot and I don’t blame him, Marmite has a bunch of stairs; now normally as a parent I would worry but the Marmite School for Boys and Young Gentlemen has eased me up to the point where I no longer have to worry about my kid; he’s getting straight A’s on his report card!
Jane Terrance – San Dimas, CA |
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| “ | I was dissatisfied at the way my school was treating my child; they were giving them the easy route. Whenever I ask my kid what was going on, he responded: “Oh they gave me candy and we didn’t have to do math today.” So what was a parent to do, put him on the right route and make him a civilized gentlemen. Even though my son is complaining all the time, I’m just glad he’s being given the education that he needs. That calculus has to be learnt sometime you know.
James Hudwick – St. Paul, MN |
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What do I do to sign up?
To sign up, go to our website and fill out our forum, once you filled out your form; mail it in to our applications office and our kind staff will look at your application. They get hundred of applications a day but we ensure that we'll look at any application. After all, we don't want no kid left behind in the world of education. After your application is looked at, you will be sent back an envelope where you will be expected to send back a check for $1,000 plus a $15,500 tuition fee. Hey, this stuff doesn't come cheap and you want every penny to go towards your children's future would you. Besides, that money is going to go to good things such as the improvement of the school and the education. It's certainly not going to go towards meaningless stuff such as Lamborghinis and butlers; nope, I can guarantee you that personally.
To the contrary, any kid is eligible to be included in this school; to us, turning a kid away would be like shattering his dreams in front of him just like the public schools do. We want every kid to have the chance to become fine gentlemen as they're supposed to be, why when we look at every child, we see the future; we see potential that only we can bring out. Why you could bring the dumbest kid that you know and we'd mold him into a model citizen. So don't worry if your kid's not going to be accepted, every child is welcome at the Marmite School for Boys and Young Gentlemen and we will try our best with every child that comes in here.
What are you waiting for?
Go now, give your child the brightest future we can possibly have. We won't let you down! We promise!
