The Obese Man's Handbook

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I know why you’re reading this. You’re a fat sack of crap yet, because of societal pressures, you feel guilty. Why? Because you, unlike your chubby brethren, do not know how to act fat - how to live fat, and love fat.

The basics[edit | edit source]

Stop questioning your food. Just shove it in, don’t question, don’t taste, just eat. You need sustenance not flavor. And we all know food is the major pleasure of life. A lover wants your time and consideration, but Pop Tarts only want to sit in the toaster for a minute or two. Is the choice not obvious?

Learn how to lose things in your massive body. If the remote is still easy to find you're not eating enough.

Tired of reality and the computer is too far away? See those health nuts waste their lives staying in shape. Never to know the soft feel of a warm Krispy Kreme slipping between their lips. Pity them, they are such fools!!!

The Round Middle[edit | edit source]

If you don't find this indulging, you still need work

Learn how to breathe properly with a full gut. The massive amount of cheetos and nachos that have you've packed away must weigh quite a bit. Is the strain too much to breathe without making a lot of noise?

Make sure to check your weight daily, and enjoy the warm feeling of having gained. If you cna still see your penis, keep going.

Where to Go from there?[edit | edit source]

Imagine becoming the leader of the fat guys over there.

May the fat god be with you.

Famous Fat Men Speak[edit | edit source]

“I really hate my penis, I have managed to avoid looking at it by eating til my gut hides it.”

~ Dom DeLuise

“I think I'm a great actor, I mean most people believe Dan found Roseanne desirable. Hell I should deserve a f**cking Emmy for that alone.”

“When has overindulging ever hurt anyone?”

~ Chris Farley

“I endure because I move so gracefully.”

Further Reading[edit | edit source]