Old White Man
Old White Man (July 4, 1702 – April 10, 1869) was a Crow Indian who went on to become one of the most influential figures in American society, having a hand in several wars, American football, and satire. He is also thought to be one of the oldest-living humans in recorded history, dying at the age of 167.
Early life and circumcision
Old White Man was born in 1702 in modern day Chesterhill, Ohio, to proud parents Spout Hoaxes and Sesquipedalian Fire. For reasons that Old White Man was never able to ascertain, he spent much of his earlier life with the Lions, a family of German Lutherans. This made his ritual circumcision aged 5 seem much more arbitrary and cruel, and led to a lifetime's devotion to mescaline.
Confusion over name
It must be borne in mind that any English translation of a Crow name is something of a compromise.
His name in Crow, isáakha chia, can have a wide range of meanings. Isáakha can mean "old", but it could equally be translated as "case for carrying water" or "banjo player".
Similarly, the word "chia" often approximates to the English "white", but not in all cases. For example, "chia" could be used to describe the color of snow, but a Crow, when faced with a white Ikea wardrobe, would use the word "sheetee", and would use the word "honqui" to refer to a white person.
Old White Man was bullied in Indian school, as the other children, especially that little bastard Running Legs and his lackeys Loud Laugh and Punch with a Fist, found his name hilarious. Not because they were precociously translating into English, but rather because isáakha chia, when said in a certain way, can sound uncannily like the Crow word for "booger".
Old White Man accordingly developed something of an obsession with nasal cleanliness, and in his later years invested much of his wealth in research into electric contraptions guaranteed to leave a man's nostrils clean as a whistle.
First encounters with actual white men
In the 18th century, British and French colonialists set up outposts in Ohio, for reasons best known to themselves. On 31 October, 1712, Old White Man was on his way back to his wigwam after finishing a rain dance class, in which he had to jive with the rather busty Rosy Cider. It was then he first laid eyes on the Caucasian form.
He would later write disarmingly on these "transparent men" with their (shoed) "toeless feet", which for many years was quoted as an exemplary post-colonial depiction of the invading white forces.
However, pilgrims' bibles discovered in 1991, dating back to that first meeting, showed that the Europeans were celebrating Hallowe'en at the time, and suggested that the Native Americans had a particularly poor understanding of trick-or-treating.
Indeed, Old White Man first showed his interest in subverting the received version when he re-invented many traditional Crow fables as a young man charged with educating the young braves of the tribe. Here is an example of a Crow story about the creation of the world.
- At the beginning of the world, there was nothing but water. Then the Father of the Crow People came into the world. Off in the distance, he saw two little ducks. Father said to them, "Is there nothing in this world but water?" The elder duck answered, "We have never seen anything in this world but water, but we think that there may be something down under the water. We feel it in our hearts."
- "Dive down, Younger Duck," said Father, and the younger duck dove deep under the water, looking for the bottom. Younger Duck came up with something in his bill. It was a root.
- "If there is a root," said Father, "there must be earth. Dive down Elder Duck, and see if you find some earth." The elder duck dove deep, and when he came up, he had a ball of mud in his bill.
- Father took the root and put it in the ball of wet earth, and blew three times on it. The ball began to grow and fill the world and push the water aside.
Old White Man's version of the story is notably different, so much so that many satirists credit him with one of the earliest known instances of nonsensical ramblings realized on the American continent. His version is recorded below:
- At the beginning of the world, there was nothing but water. Then the Father of the Crow People came into the world and he said, "Jesus Christ, how the hell did I get into all this water? And can I swim, or what?" Off in the distance, he saw two little ducks. Father said to them, "Is there nothing in this world but water? I could kill for a Martini." The elder duck answered, "We have never seen anything in this world but water, but we think that there may be something down under the water. We feel it in our hearts."
- "Dive down, Younger Duck," said Father, pushing the younger duck's head under water. Younger Duck came up with something in his bill. It was a potato.
- "Fantastic," said Father, mistaking it for a hat. "If there are hat plants, then there must be stuff growing out of all your duck shit. Dive down Elder Duck, and see if you find something else nice." The elder duck took umbrage at this and said, "My name is not Elder Duck, it's Steve. And I am not going to dive for you. YOU dive and dig if you want to, you're fucking massive compared to me." Father dove deep underwater, pulled out the plug, and grabbed elder duck's legs, roasting him for dinner.
- Then, Father decided to set up a fort in Ohio, for reasons best known to himself.
During the mid-1750s, the biological son of Old White Man's Lutheran adoptive parents sought him out. Jake Lions was a prosperous young printer, and Old White Man, taking on the name Todd Lions, used his adoptive brother's skills to help realize his dream of a "silly page of ink". The periodical would go on to achieve a small form of notoriety, with notable articles on the Boston Tea Party, George IV and the town of Chesterhill.
Participation in War of Independence
Old White Man took part in the American War of Independence, on the side of the rebels, after being tricked into believing the war was between white men who wanted to stay in the country (the British) and white men who wanted to return to Europe and leave the Indians in peace (the Americans).
Old White Man duly slaughtered over 100 British soldiers, earning acclaim from his generals for his proficiency with rifles, Chinese burns, wedgies, blackberry-picking and archery. In recognition of his importance, Old White Man was allowed to forego the normal blue coat and military hat, instead fighting in traditional war dress, which was a racy black negligee with a feathery bonnet.
Afterwards, as a chuckling George Washington revealed the truth to Old White Man at the end of the war, onlookers reported that his resulting facepalm was "as loud as thunder" and feared that the mighty Indian warrior might "tear the wig from the general's scalp", but Old White Man skipped away, ululating solemnly, and added Washington's name to the Hall of Shame.
Founds Washington Redskins
Celebrations after the War of Independence were legendary, with France, ecstatic at Britain's defeat, sending a huge statue packed with prostitutes to the east coast as a sort of benevolent, licentious Trojan horse. Trojans might have come in handy actually, as an epidemic infestation of genital crabs promptly tore through the victorious US army, showing no respect for race, creed, or rank.
This presented a unique problem to the foundling US, as Britain was then the world's greatest manufacturer of blue unction, the only substance known to kill crabs. In desperation, the US turned to Spain, but the supply was so limited that soldiers took to lining up, one crouching behind the other, so that Soldier A could pass the blue unction back to Soldier B immediately after applying it to his genitals.
Old White Man, on receiving the unction from below the quivering butt crack of a comrade in arms, instinctively issued out the Crow war cry of "Hut! Hut! Hut!" and threw the blue unction down the other end of the barracks for a gain of over 30 yards.
It was the first First Down in history, and an impromptu game of American Football broke out. In the weeks that followed, Old White Man formed the Washington Redskins, who were based in Chesterhill but named after the US army's victorious general. Old White Man himself posed for the team's logo, which was faithfully painted on the side of the paper helmets which were used until the 19th century.
Participation in Civil War
Old White Man fought on the Yankee side when Civil War broke out. By this stage, he was the ripe age of 158, but was driven into battle once more for surprising reasons.
He did not like black people. Not for the usual reasons given by racists, but rather because of his idiosyncratic version of the Crow faith, which meant that he thought the cotton plant was sacred and should not be picked. Despite age having caused serious problems with his eyes and memory, Old White Man was widely commended by his comrades, with his constant 'mini-trues' said to be a great morale booster for them.
Indeed, none other than General Custer - who Old White Man always helariously referred to as Custard - is reported to have said, "Old White Man is an old red man... but he might just be the greatest white man the blue men have."
Death and ceremonial twanging into a tree
Old White Man died in 1869. He had told friends that, after a particularly heavy mescaline session, his late grandfather had told him in a vision that he must "run without ceasing to the west to find his glory".
Old White Man set out immediately, but unfortunately, just west of his wigwam was a railway line, and the 14.15 to Cleveland chopped him down in his prime. Unfortunately, the driver of the train was in a drunken stupor at the time of the accident, and did not notice he had the world's oldest man pinned to the front of his train until alarmed passengers boarding at Cuyahoga Falls realized that the bloodied, bedraggled carcass was not the train's figure head.
Old White Man had left very specific instructions as to the handling of his body. As was tradition in his family, he asked that mourners contribute to the design and manufacture of a last slingshot, so that he might be twanged ceremonially into a tree.
Two days after the ceremony was successfully conducted, Old White Man's lawyer revealed that it was his client's last hoax article. But by then it was too late - his nearest and dearest had sent one of history's greatest Americans ricocheting off a witch hazel tree into the Cuyahoga river.
Modern day presence on Uncyclopedia
Centuries after Old White Man's death, fellow Ohio resident Ariel Castro joined Uncyclopedia. Castro had sought out Old White Man's descendants to ask their permission to use his adoptive name of Todd Lions as his username. They assented, with the condition that Old White Man's photograph be the default picture in every UnNews story, and that it be awkwardly aligned to the left. Due to Castro's unsteady grasp of literacy, he misspelled the name, and called himself Todd Lyons.
According to Castro, UnNews was born in the following way.
- At the beginning of the internet, there was nothing but www. Then I, Father of the Crow People came online. Off in the distance, I saw two little ducks. I said to them, "Is there nothing online but www?" The elder duck answered, "We have never seen anything online but www, but we think that there may be something down below. We feel it in our hearts."
- "Dive down, Younger Duck," said I, and the younger duck dove deep into the internet, looking for the bottom. Younger Duck came up with something in his bill. It was a potato. This potato grew into the Uncyclopedia logo.
- "If there is a root," said I, "there must be earth. Dive down Elder Duck, and see if you find some earth." The elder duck dove deep, and when he came up, he had a ball of mud in his bill.
- I took the ball of mud, and immediately wrote an UnNews story - "Shock as old white man makes yuckie doody."