Old White Man
Old White Man (July 4, 1702 – April 10, 1869) was a Crow Indian who went on to become one of the most influential figures in American society, having a hand in several wars, American football, and satire. He is also thought to be one of the oldest-living humans in recorded history, dying at the age of 167.
Early life and circumcision
Old White Man was born in 1702 in modern day Chesterhill, Ohio, to proud parents Spout Hoaxes and Sesquipedalian Fire. For reasons that Old White Man was never able to ascertain, he spent much of his earlier life with the Lions, a family of German Lutherans. This made his ritual circumcision at age 5 seem much more arbitrary and cruel, and led to a lifetime's devotion to mescaline.
Confusion over name
It must be borne in mind that any English translation of an Indian name is something of a compromise.
Old White Man's Crow name, isáakha chia, has a wide range of meanings. Isáakha generally means old, but it could be translated as "case for carrying water" or "banjo player". Similarly chia approximates the English "white", but not in all cases. For example, chia generally describes the color of snow but a Crow, describing a white Ikea wardrobe, would call it sheetee and its owner honqui.
Old White Man was bullied in Indian school, as the other children – especially that little bastard Running Legs and his lackeys Loud Laugh and Punch with a Fist – found his name hilarious. Not because they were precociously translating into English, but rather because isáakha chia, when said in a certain way, can sound uncannily like the Crow word for "booger".
Old White Man accordingly developed something of an obsession with nasal cleanliness, and in his later years invested much of his wealth in research into electric contraptions guaranteed to leave a man's nostrils clean as a whistle.
First encounters with actual white men
By the early 18th century, British and French colonialists had set up outposts in Ohio, for reasons best known to themselves. On October 31, 1712, Old White Man was on his way back to his wigwam after finishing a rain dance class, in which he had had the pleasure of swaying with the rather busty Rise Like Mountains.
It was then he first laid eyes on the Caucasian form. For many years, his disarming description of "transparent men" with "toeless feet" was hailed as a perfect distillation of a native's first concept of the invading European.
"Here the white coloniser is the Other," Noam Chomsky wrote in 1981. "Note that his skin is not white but see-through, his feet not shod but toeless."
However, recently found settlers' diaries showed that the Europeans were celebrating Hallowe'en at the time, and suggest that the Native Americans had a particularly poor understanding of ghost costumes.
Founds UnNews
Many readers of Uncyclopedia today might find it unfathomable that UnNews was begun by a Crow Indian who was part of an illiterate, oral-based tradition. But it's true.
During the mid-1750s the biological son of Old White Man's Lutheran adoptive parents sought him out. Jake Lions was a prosperous young printer, and Old White Man, taking on the name Todd Lions, used his adoptive brother's skills to help realize his dream of a "silly page of ink". The periodical would go on to achieve a small form of notoriety, with notable articles on the Boston Tea Party, King George and the town of Chesterhill.
Participation in War of Independence
Old White Man took part in the American War of Independence, on the side of the rebels, after being tricked into believing the war was between white men who wanted to stay in the country (the British) and white men who wanted to return to Europe and leave the Indians in peace (the Americans).
Old White Man duly slaughtered more than a hundred British soldiers, earning acclaim from his generals for his proficiency with rifles, Chinese burns, wedgies, blackberry-picking and archery. In recognition of his importance, Old White Man was allowed to forego the normal blue coat and military hat, instead fighting in traditional war dress, which was a racy black négligée with a feathery bonnet.
Afterwards, as a chuckling George Washington revealed the truth to Old White Man at the end of the war, onlookers reported that his resulting facepalm was "as loud as thunder" and feared the mighty Indian warrior might "tear the wig from the general's scalp", but Old White Man skipped away, ululating solemnly, and added Washington's name to the Hall of Shame.
Founds Washington Redskins
Celebrations after the War of Independence were legendary, with France, ecstatic at Britain's defeat, sending a huge statue packed with prostitutes to the east coast as a sort of benevolent, licentious Trojan horse. Trojans might have come in handy actually, as an epidemic infestation of genital crabs promptly tore through the victorious US army, showing no respect for race, creed, or rank.
This presented a unique problem to the foundling US, as Britain was then the world's greatest manufacturer of blue unction, the only substance known to kill crabs. In desperation the US turned to Spain, but the supply was so limited that soldiers took to lining up, one crouching behind the other, so Soldier A could pass the blue unction back to Soldier B immediately after applying it to his genitals.
Old White Man, on receiving the unction from below the quivering butt crack of a comrade-in-arms, instinctively issued out the Crow war cry of "Hut! Hut! Hut!" and threw the blue unction down to the other end of the barracks for a gain of over thirty yards.
It was the first First Down in history, and an impromptu game of American Football broke out. In the weeks that followed, Old White Man formed the Washington Redskins, who were based in Chesterhill but named after the US army's victorious general. Old White Man himself posed for the team's logo, which was faithfully painted on the side of the paper helmets which were used until the 19th century.
Participation in Civil War
Old White Man fought on the Yankee side when Civil War broke out. By this stage, he was the ripe age of 158, but was driven into battle once more for surprising reasons.
He did not like black people. Not for the usual reasons given by racists, but rather because of his idiosyncratic version of the Crow faith, which meant that he thought the cotton plant was sacred and should not be picked. Despite age having caused serious problems with his eyes and memory, Old White Man was widely commended by his comrades, with his constant "mini-trues" said to be a great morale booster for them.
Death and ceremonial twanging into a tree
Old White Man died in 1869. He had told friends that, after a particularly heavy mescaline session, his late grandfather had told him in a vision that he must "run without ceasing to the west to find his glory".
Old White Man set out immediately, but unfortunately, just west of his wigwam was a railway line, and the 14.15 to Cleveland chopped him down in his prime. The driver of the train was in a drunken stupor at the time of the accident, and tragically did not notice he had the world's oldest man pinned to the front of his train until alarmed passengers boarding at Cuyahoga Falls realized that the bloodied, bedraggled carcass was not the train's figure head.
Old White Man had left very specific instructions as to the handling of his body. As was tradition in his family, he asked that mourners contribute to the design and manufacture of "one last slingshot", so that he might be twanged ceremonially into a tree.
Two days after the ceremony was successfully conducted, Old White Man's lawyer revealed that it was his client's last hoax article. But by then it was too late – his nearest and dearest had sent one of history's greatest Americans ricocheting off a witch hazel tree into the Cuyahoga River.
Modern day presence on Uncyclopedia
Centuries after Old White Man's death, fellow Ohio resident Ariel Castro joined Uncyclopedia. Castro had sought out Old White Man's descendants to ask their permission to use his adoptive name of Todd Lions as his username. They assented, with the condition that Old White Man's photograph be the default picture in every UnNews story, and that it be awkwardly aligned to the left. Due to Castro's unsteady grasp of literacy, he misspelled the name, and called himself Todd Lyons.
