HowTo:Make Girls Love You

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
You can be just like me!
Gorillatrans.gif
HowTo
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos

Heya, Homeslice!! Boy, don't you look like the loneliest guy I've seen in a while. I mean, look at you. What a pathetic, miserable sack of crap you are! Aw, I meant it it a good way. Don't cry. Here, you want to know the secret to how I'm so happy and you're so sad? Come closer...

Girls love me.

I know, I know. Such a concept is alien to your poor celibate mind. But, it's true. I do really feel sorry for that verbal smackdown I gave you earlier. Tell you what. How about, I teach you how to make girls love you to make up for it. It's simple, I promise! All you need to do is be confident, have big muscles, and a long penis. Then, they will love the heck out of you!

Here's how you do it[edit]

Step 1:[edit]

Confidence: Some people look in the mirror and tell themselves how awesome they are, but you see, that is only effective for a few minutes! You want to bring a mirror with you everywhere. Carry it in a purse or, "murse" and speak well to yourself all day, every day!!

The other way to boost your confidence is to become incredibly arrogant, conceited, or haughty. Now, as all God-fearing people know, pride is one of the seven deadly sins. However, if you're following this guide, you're already going to end up breaking at least four other deadly sins and four of the Ten Commandments. So, you might as well go all in. Go into any conversation with this mindset: "I am incredibly intelligent/attractive/both, and I can do, think, and say no wrong." With that mindset, you're sure to have all the ladies swooning over you in no time.

Step 2:[edit]

Big muscles. It's easy to get big muscles. Just lift a lot of heavy things. I find it fun to lift large ladies. They won't see it coming and, when you get strong enoughm you can carry them all the way back to your hotel room! Big things to lift include:

  • Your mom
  • A Gallon of Milk
  • Your Bible
  • Your Quran
  • Your T̶o̶r̶a̶h̶ Too Small
  • Large Boxes
  • Barrels of Crude Oil/Radioactive Waste

Or, do what Arnold Schwarzenegger did and shoot up! Just be prepared for the unending feeling of Rage you will feel[1], as well as your sudden growth of Boobs.

Step 3:[edit]

Have a long penis. This one's easy; just pull on your penis as hard as you can. It might feel like the skin's gonna rip, but keep going! Trust me, this one works the best, guys! I learned this from one of those funny ads that pop up whenever my Dad leaves his computer running with the weird naked wresting videos on.

I hope you learned as much as I did through it all![edit]

Now, get out there Pal! Go have yourself some fun with the sexy babes & chicks, but make sure to wear a rubber!

Notes[edit]

  1. And you can add that as a fifth deadly sin you've broken.

See also[edit]