HowTo:Be A Dad
Well, look at you. All grown up. Straight out of community college and now you're ready to face the real world and all it has to offer. The first thing on your list of things to mess up is be a dad. But you're not really sure how. Well, this simple guide should help you along the way of becoming the best dad ever.
Knock Her Up
To be a father you first have to get a girl pregnant. It doesn't matter who, anyone will suffice. Although I recommend staying away from the town hooker because you're trying to have a child, not walking syphilis. Also remember, try not to commit to anything because that just makes everything worse.
Nine Months Later
Hopefully your child-carrier hasn't smoked marijuana or had a miscarriage, and now the child is ready to be brought into this world. It will take place either in a hospital, the back of a pickup truck, or at a grocery store depending on your ethnic background. Being in a taxi-cab or elevator is a surefire way to get the baby to come on out. Also, not being prepared in anyway, helps. You only had nine months to read up on it, you jerk. The baby will come shooting out of that vaginahole and straight into your open arms. (A pussyfart may also be heard.) To start the baby simply insert two AA batteries into the baby's backside and it should start crying right away.
Feeding The Haydo
Babies occasionally get hungry. You should feed it once or twice a week at the most, otherwise the baby will become fat and expect to be fed every day. The foods to feed a baby include raw eggs, T-Bone Steaks, Budweiser, Big Macs and an occasional BLT.
After the baby eats it will probably have to go to the bathroom. If it is an outside baby I recommend that you train it to go outside right away. If it is an inside baby on the other hand you might want to lay down some newspaper and teach it to go on there, at least until it gets used to the litterbox. The training should take three to five weeks with the proper training. If baby proves to be resistant to training, visit your local petstore and purchase a shock collar. These are designed to be fitted around a dog's neck and allow the owner to administer a harmless but mildly painful electric shock as a training aid - researchers have found that, by fitting one to a baby, toilet training can be achieved in a matter of a few days.
Like all young animals, the baby will have a rough time getting used to its new home. To make it feel more comfortable wrap it in a warm wet towel. Also try putting it into a dark box. This will make the baby feel like it is right at home in his mother's vagina. Remember to take it out again though - placing a baby in a box and then allowing it to starve to death is considered a criminal offence in some countries.
If the baby happens to wake up in the middle of the night and start to cry, place it in the backyard until it calms down.
So from all that you've learned today, go out and be a productive member of society and raise your child to the best that it can be. I hope that you learned something today and that it helps you sleep soundly tonight.