Mancard
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“Rude is how you keep your mancard, son!”
“I was not even aware that they existed until I was denied one.”
Urban dictionary defines mancard as such:
“Requirement to be accepted as a respectable member of the male community. Can and should be revoked by other respectable males for doing non-respectable-male things.”
Sir Albert Manning founded the Mancard Association (abbreviated MCA) in 1726 as an alternative to the literal removal of the manhood. Instead of the previous method, one's mancard could now simply lose points for slightly feminine acts or be taken away altogether. Consequentially, Manning lost his own mancard because the formation of the NMA and it's goal of testicular amnesty.
Not much else is currently known about Sir Albert Manning, except that his line had continual involvement with the mancard's cause.
Because of Manning and his invention, the mancard has played an important role in history.
Early History[edit | edit source]
The mancard was quickly adopted by men of the early 1700's, and quickly became standard. In the Revolutionary War the winning side in a skirmish would often take the mancards of any prisoners. The act of taking mancards still persisted during the American Civil War, but not to the same extent. Conversely, George Washington is a notable example of a prominent figure lacking a mancard during the early stages of its development.
The use of mancards persisted all the way up until World War I, after which they fell slowly into disuse due to the reduced threat of removal of manhood either literally or figuratively. By the time World War II the numbers of men carrying one was greatly reduced, however, Winston Churchill was thought to have carried one.
Modern Usage[edit | edit source]
Mancards are still carried by some men today, with Chuck Norris being the most prominent of them. A resurgence in their use came sometime in the early to mid 1900's. During this time a branch of the MCA, the NMAA (National Mancard Association of America), was founded by none other than Gaylord Manning, an ancestor to Sir Albert Manning himself. Ironicially, he too soon lost his mancard due to growing confusion regarding his name as he was nearing the end of his life.
The use of mancards is slowly finding its way back into society, however no official agency is responsible for issuing them at this time, and the regulation is instead handled by very small group of individuals dedicated to the task.
The Point System[edit | edit source]
The holder of the mancard is given exactly fifty points at the time of its issue. From that point on the holder either earns points or has points deducted from their overall score. Points are earned based on the manliness of a task, such as lifting a truck with one finger. Points are deducted from the card by performing acts considered to be unmanly. Acts like skipping, holding hands(not in third world countries), engaging in male bonding time as well as maintaining extensive gardens or reading glamor magazines will result in a loss of points.
If a mancard were to ever reach zero, the holder either had to admit that he was no longer a man. After doing this, he could move to a country that did not care about mancard points, like France, or simply exile himself on a deserted island with no hope of rescue. After seven years of unmanliness, a person could re-apply for another mancard. These were seldom given, and if they were, they had restrictions. These restricted mancards were recognized as blue cards. Ironically, the cards were a bright shade of green but the man who invented the name was most likely color blind.
When the mancard was originally created, the point system was based on honor. The holder of the card had to decide whether his actions were or were not manly. After the Meister-Emblem incident, mancard judges were appointed to distribute or revoke points. Though mainly used for large issues involving questionable manliness these duly appointed judges are sometimes contacted for minor issues. When the use of mancards declined in the late 1900's the judges were fired and had to return to working part time jobs that didn't pay well.
If a deceased man still bears his card when he dies, the card lives on, gaining and losing points in retrospect of his lifetime. This particular issue has come to the forefront in the infamous Meister-Emblem case.
The NMAA[edit | edit source]
The NMAA's primary function was to manage and regulate the issuing and points on mancards until it was dissolved late in the 1980's. This breakup is mainly attributed to the advent of disco, which decimated nearly a half of the registered mancards. The NMAA still exists to a limited extent as an independent organization today, and mainly serves to keep consistent rules regarding the loss and gain of points in place.
Recently, women have been issued mancards as well, with the goal to obtain NEGATIVE manpoints through unmanly acts. With the advent of your mom, however, it has been proven entirely possible for a woman to obtain a positive point value.
The Meister-Emblem Case[edit | edit source]
James Meister, owner of a small theater petitioned for a mancard in 1894. Due to his large size and extremely manly bowtie he was issued a standard mancard. After owning his mancard for six months, a young aspiring actor named Ricardo "Biggie" Emblem, joined the crew at the theater. Ricardo had held his mancard for almost five years and was disgusted to find that Mr. Meister had already accumulated more then twice his mancard points.
Enraged, he began to plot against his director. Several weeks later he filed a report at the NMA declaring that Meister had been producing plays involving homosexual acts. When the NMAA heard of these claims they promptly revoked all of Meister's points. With his mancard gone, Meister's dream had been shattered and he promptly tried to find a lawyer who would appeal for him.
The only lawyer who would accept the case of a mancardless man was Erwin Stallgeysworth McBrian. The case was so controversial that it entered the supreme court only a few months later. After proving that he never produced homosexual plays, the court investigated into the original accusation. Ricardo Emblem was found and charged with attempts to shatter another man's manliness. He was sentenced to death.
Meister stated that though Emblem deserved to die, he should not be executed. After the incident Emblem left the country in shame, while Meister set a new record for most manpoints, a title he held until it was easily shattered by the likes of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chuck Norris.
The Meister-Emblem Conspiracy[edit | edit source]
Recently, new evidence has been discovered that Meister may have actually produced homosexual plays and made Ricardo play humiliating parts. New evidence came to light when Meister's alleged son said that his father frequently had "man parties" at their house. In light of this discovery James Meister's mancard has been put into temporary stasis until further examination can occur.
