Isle of Man

Heil of Mann Fasisma Lýðveldinu Samkynhneigðra Isle of Man
The official mascot, Will The Great Seal
Motto: Grá Chun Gnéas i mbeal Eile Tá In apathy ... ah, forget it
Capital	Douglas
Largest city	Peel
Official language(s)	Manx Gaelic
Government	Democracy (We thought of it first – after the Greeks, that is.)
‑ Current Monarch	Ned Quayle of Foxdale
Religion	Protestant (required by law)
Population	Vikings: 2,345 Scousers: 3,247 Alcoholics: 80,058
Area	24.7km2
National sport(s)	Drinking, incest, racism, and hating the English

“No man is an island.”

~ John Donne

Welcome to the Isle of Man, the charming little island pronounced "I Love Man." It's not just an ordinary island off the coast of England; it's like a hilarious episode of Father Ted, only without the laugh track. We promise, though, we're working on our comedy skills!

Picture this: a land of tax-dodging billionaires, terrorists, and bond villains. Yes, it's a real-life James Bond movie, just with a lot more rain and fewer martinis. We're like the Channel Islands, but with an extra layer of grit and mystery – we've got the Bond villain lair vibes down pat.

Our inhabitants are famously tolerant, except when it comes to the English. Historically, it made sense, but now we've adopted so much from our neighbors that hating the English feels like hating ourselves. It's a cultural identity crisis with a touch of self-loathing comedy thrown in.

So come on over to the Isle of Man – where the rain never stops, the tax evasion skills are unmatched, and humour is a work in progress. You'll laugh, you'll ponder, and you might even find a billionaire or two plotting world domination. (Don't worry, it's all in good fun.) Welcome to our quirky, rain-soaked paradise!

But ... If you don't like it, there's a boat in the morning.

Historic urchins

The existence of a small and pointless island halfway between Britain and Ireland has always prompted nagging questions. After all, it is not as though Skye could not have done the job. The Manx have developed several theories as to why their homeland even exists.

Legend says the Isle of Man was formed when an Irish giant named Finn McCool threw a chunk of Ireland at some Scottish fuckwit. The chunk missed, landed in the sea, and thus was born the Isle of Man. Eventually the Vikings came and it's people lived there with Manannán mac Lir who was said to have ruled the place with an iron fist in a velvet glove.

In truth, the Isle of Man was originally populated by swarthy people from Scotland and Ireland. They were getting along fine until a bunch of Celtic invaders arrived and killed them all. Once the Celts had got settled, the Vikings arrived and didn't kill them all, but did shag all the local women. The local women got back at them by not teaching their children anything to do with Viking culture, like their language or religion, so the Norse element died out in a couple of generations, reflected by the complete lack of Viking artifacts on the island ... only a bunch of DNA. The Romans wouldn't touch the island with a barge pole, the Danish had a brief go at the place, and the English Queen now owns the land and rents it to the Manx, on the understanding that they keep the place clean and tidy and don't break anything. The Modern day Manx are half-Irish and half-Scouse, a fact reflected in the language and culture.

The Calf of Man

Ah, behold the majestic Calf of Man – the "pointless" rock that sits proudly at the bottom of the island, like the island's very own pet rock! It's like the quirky cousin who's always locked away in their room, but everyone still loves them from a distance, but you wouldn't allow near your small children.

This little calf is all about exclusivity – a bird sanctuary where no one else is allowed to set foot. Yep, it's the VIP club of the avian world, and the birds have exclusive rights to party on this exclusive rock. We humans? Well, we can just stand on the shoreline, pretending to be paparazzi as we zoom in on it with binoculars. Rock on, Calf, rock on!

But here's the kicker, the Manx folks have this delightful game they play. They tease themselves by calling the Isle of Man the "Mainland" – you know, as if the Calf of Man is the extravagant center of the universe! It's like having a swanky penthouse and calling it the "Mainland Mansion".

Oh, and did I mention that the Calf of Man has a secret identity as the Isle of Man's ultimate mood booster? Whenever Manx people feel a bit down, they just look at this quirky rock, and it's an instant mood-lifter! Who needs therapy when you have the Calf of Man, right?

And remember, when someone mentions the "Mainland", they're just secretly giving the Calf a nod of respect for its exclusive bird parties and mood-enhancing powers!

Even more legends

The Isle of Man lies at the rough centre of the North Sea Archipelago.

It is evident that the legend of the Isle's creation is more satisfying than the reality, and the Manx have relied on legends to explain many other phenomena as well.

Spooks

Manx folklore often mentions mythical creatures, characters, and gays, such as:

• The Buggane, a malevolent spirit who blew the roof off St. Trinian's Church in a fit of pique.
• The Fenodyree, a magical creature who makes Quasimodo look like a Page Three model but doesn't do a lot else.
• The Glashtyn, a white water horse that is a horse made of water and, like, washes up and down like a big watery horse.
• The Moddey Dhoo, a ghostly black dog who wandered the walls and corridors of Peel Castle scaring people for no apparent reason.
• The Mooinjer Veggey (Faries). The Isle of Man takes its fairy-folk seriously. They've got a law on the books, written in the tiniest font imaginable, that requires every Manx person to bow down and pay their respects at the Fairy Bridge of Ballasalla. It's like a daily dose of fairy-fied calisthenics!

All these mysteries were solved thanks to five meddling kids and their dumb dog.

Scousal abuse

In the ancient land of Castletown, where the cobblestones whispered secrets and the sheep gossiped about the weather, there existed a creature so vile, so wretched, that even the rats crossed the street to avoid its gaze. They called it Shaghrane, which sounds like a cross between a bad hair day and a questionable seafood dish.

Now, Shaghrane wasn't your typical hobgoblin. No, sir! He had a penchant for mischief and a hankering for stolen spuds. You see, the good parents of Castletown would send their wee ones out to pilfer potatoes from the neighboring farmers' fields. It was a time-honoured tradition, like tea at four or complaining about the weather.

But fear not! For one fateful day, a gallant knight named Sir Richard of the Hair (that's right, Dick Hair) decided he'd had enough. Armed with a rusty spoon and a heart full of determination, he climbed the tower. The air smelled of mashed potatoes and existential dread as he faced Shaghrane.

"Prepare to be mashed, you tuber loving fiend!" Sir Richard bellowed, brandishing his spoon like Excalibur. Shaghrane hissed, his greasy locks quivering. The battle was fierce, a clash of spud versus spoon, hair versus hair. And in the end, Sir Richard emerged victorious, flinging Shaghrane out the window and into a pile of compost.

From that day forth, the streets of Castletown were safe. But legend has it that on cold summer nights, when the moon hangs high, you can still hear scratching and groaning from the tower. It's Shaghrane, they say, swearing revenge on the one who hath slain him. Or maybe he's just trying to find his lost hairbrush. Either way, beware the greasy hobgoblin, my friends, and guard your potatoes well!

Competing theories

Some believe that He-Man was the original Son of Man. Every November 5th, the Manx symbolically burn effigies of Skeletor. The Manx also give allegiance to the once-great king Hummus of Scotland. The exiled king, now said to haunt the Tower of Refuge, was removed from the Scottish throne due to his obsessions with debauchery and incest. Upon realising his talents would be best suited elsewhere, the Manx demanded the Scots plonk him on a raft and set him adrift across the Irish Sea. Upon arriving on the Isle of Man, he and his policies were welcomed with open arms.

Government

The capital of the Isle of Man is Douglas (well, Doug to his mates). The executive power is in the hands of Laurel and Hardy. (You can't make this stuff up!)

The Tynwald

The Tynwald is a bicameral legislature whose chambers are named the House of Keys and the House of Cards.

The Isle of Man boasts the world's oldest Parliament, pointedly ignoring the similar claim of Iceland, even though the Icelandic are all direct descendants of Vikings and the Manx are just a bunch of Scousers who like to dress up as Vikings once a year for the village fete.

The Tynwald (pronounced tinny-wayldee) consists of a small grassy hill on which, every year, rich old men dressed in ornamental clothes shout to the assembled sheep in a semi-extinct language that even the old men don't understand anymore, claim they are democratic Vikings but then fawn to the Queen's representative and march up and down in a suspiciously English manner. (Compare the House of Lords).

Currency

The Isle has its own money. To encourage its use, the unit is called the pint and there is a £1 bill, which gullible colonials prefer over the clunky pound coin late in the evening at English pubs. Legally, one Manx pint is the same thing as one pound Sterling, though if Britain enters the monetary union, the pint will become the same thing as the euro, the dollar, or the yen, under transitional rules yet to be written. Britain got the E.U. to admit the Isle of Man as an associate member. This means that Manx music can be played in Europe, if any should be devised. The Manx themselves, however, are not entitled to actually go there to hear it.

Current issues

The main preoccupation of government is the scientific belief that, by 2020, the Isle will cease to be populated due to the spiralling suicide rate. To curb suicide by uplifting the national spirit, the government funded a coach trip to Morecambe. Two survived, albeit with heavily bandaged wrists.

Because the name of island describes it as an island whose owners are male, feminists don't like it or its name, advocating names such as "Isle of Person". In addition, they oppose the anatomically impossible symbol on the flag, or any other mention of the third leg.

Education

The Isle has far too many schools for such a small younger population, seeing as all Manx people under the age of 16 were banned by Tynwald in a 1983 revision of the "rights of young bastards" act of 1875. There are at least thirty primary schools, sharing 13 students among them. In terms of secondary education, there are five state schools and one public school.

• Castle Rushen High School Claims to be the best at sport, however King Bill's uses imported South Africans against them in their annual rugby game, colloquially known as "The Big One" and therefore CRHS always lose. Nobody's really sure what's big, however it is suggested that it relates to the size of Callum Smith's penis.
• Ballakermeen High School The largest school on the island, individual tutor groups there are legally obligated to form the Manx equivalent of the Mafia.
• St Ninian's High School Split into a higher and lower school, showing how the establishment has not yet progressed since the 1940s.
• Ramsey Grammar School Despite the name, it is not, in fact, a grammar school. Nor is it a school. It is a loony bin. It is however the only "school" to truly represent Manx culture and have a farm where they keep sheep. There have been multiple instances of students trying to fornicate with the sheep resulting in no less than five expulsions and one lamb. Most of these unions went on to form season 1 of the popular "Jeremy Cannel".
• The School of Queen Elizabeth the Second Not endorsed by Liz in any way, and she only became aware of the school's existence in September 2001 after an assassination attempt by a former student.
• King William's College Public school filled with posh twats. Nobody calls it King William's College, unless they want to have rocks thrown at their head, instead they call it King Bill's. The school was named after William Shatner and they hold an annual Trekkie convention in his honour.

Economy

The Isle's economy comes mainly from hiding rich people's money. Come-overs provide all the services that locals could have provided, ensuring a steady stream of money off the island, carefully balanced by the money coming in that rich people are trying to hide.

Electricity is generated from everyone fighting with one another about petty crap that no self-respecting person from a proper country would care about (known locally as "skeet").

Goats are often sacrificed to improve the performance of the stock market.

The Manx government tried to introduce cryptocurrency in 2019 and it failed dismally. The locals interpreted the word "crypto" to mean "secrets" and spent the better part of the month of July trying to pay for rounds in the pub with local gossip.

Transport

All aboard! The Manx Railway is one of the world's most modern services.

The Isle has no national speed limit, making it resemble Formula One with cliffs and sheep. Drivers cruising at 25mph, tractors, affluent boy racers in Daddy's car, and super-rich television presenters in canary-yellow Lamborghinis enjoy a life expectancy of six months. This is in contrast to the Channel Islands, where there are 20 mph signs everywhere but on their busiest road (10 mph).

Public transport is sparse and fraught with danger:

• The bus runs occasionally, and only from north to south. The timetables are cryptic, kept secret, and changed whenever people start to figure them out. If you want to go to Peel from Port Erin, forget it. You shouldn't be travelling that far from home anyway.
• The taxi costs £400 from the sea terminal.
• The steam train goes from Port Erin to Douglas and back, very dangerously. It is used as a commuter train by locals because they don't know any different, and because they ignore documentaries about trains in India.
• The electric railway goes from Douglas to Snaefell, very dangerously. It is used by tourists to avoid walking up the Mountain and feeling cheated when they find it swathed in fog.
• The horse tram lets live horses pull brain-dead tourists up and down Douglas Prom until they beg to be let off. The horses wear name badges.
• While most Manx regard air travel as witchcraft, easyJet occasionally lets them vacate the island. It is controversial that there are also return flights. The aircraft's removable wings double as coffins.
• The Boat: no deaths since August 22nd 2008 December 11th 2009.

In the winter there is often no way on or off the Isle. The Steam Packet boats sail only in flat calm, and the airlines are game for anything but are so undersubscribed that they will usually cancel your flight and wait until a few others are equally desperate to get off the island.

Culture

Art

Art is currently housed in a shed on an industrial estate, a flour mill, and some really posh premises in the middle of Douglas Prom which no one can find.

Art on the island means scenery, preferably with water and a moon or just water or maybe a bird with some water and of course done with watercolours. Most Manx artists are cloned from Archibald Knox. He was not Manx but he did "windswept" really well. However, there is nothing windswept on the Isle that hasn't already been painted from every angle by a seething mass of middle-aged lady artists who all hate each other.

The island also contains many teenage photographers who take photos of their friends wearing fashionable clothes and looking vacant.

The prolific cartoonist Alex Beadle was raised on the island and attended King William's College. His work can still be seen on many of the school's desks as carvings of animals with big knobs. Beadle was also the island's only graffiti artist which was why he kept getting caught.

The now closed posh gallery on the Prom, was funded by the Manx Arts Council, which notably contained no artists. So if anyone gets too "Tracey Emin", they are sentenced to copying a stuffed owl on a log with Jeremy Paul, a local artist who paints with a brush trimmed to two hairs. Young artists just leave.

Cuisine

The national dish is chips, cheese, and gravy. (The national drink is anything alcoholic.) There is a chip shop at the heart of each village. The government impedes other foreign take-away food, with disincentives like not being able to get any of the necessary ingredients. (Vomiting patrons in the waiting areas are independent of government.) It is impossible to get lemon grass, and hard to obtain fresh citrus fruit and anything more than two different brands of coffee. Come-overs with exotic tastes, resort to ordering by post, or giving up and going down the chip shop with the rest of the Manxies.

Many of the red-letter dates in Manx history are culinary.

• 1999 The first and only McDonald's opened. (Run by a man who looks and acts a little too much like Mr. Krabbs.
• 2002 The first KFC opened, which later closed in 2016, after fourteen years of providing island residents with greasy, finger-licking deep fried poultry.
• 2003 The first Subway opened. There are now three.
• 2010 The Island's first Domino's Pizza opened, followed by another Domino's in Onchan later in 2017.
• 2013 The first and only Pizza Hut opened.
• 2022 Second KFC opens to much fanfare, only to suffer the punishment of no customers due to their overinflated prices and the selling chicken wings with the feathers still attached.

The island still does not have a Burger King, Nandos or Taco Bell.

Sport

Most Manx people support Liverpool FC or Manchester United – support in the sense of huddling around the one radio in Douglas and cheering "you'll never walk alone, yessir" or "out with the Glazers, yessir", not support in the sense of ever attending matches.

Once a year, a few thousand hairy bikers make a pilgrimage from Germany to watch a few suicidal idiots race their TITY bikes around a 37.75 mile course. Most spectators of the two-week festival are found in the Bushy's Ale tent on the promenade. The police take it easy, meaning strippers walk topless down the promenade, and there is seizure-inducing fun all around.

Cycling is a favourite pastime here on the island and much like the rest of the U.K., the island is host to what is known locally as The Grand Fondle. A much revered event, where grown men and women, stand around in skin tight lycra, fondling themselves with a profusely perverted look on their face, while a local government official watches over. Points for the event are awarded using the islands three G's assesmemt system, Grope, Grip and Groan. After selecting the winner of the competition, the government official whisks away the lucky fondler to the top of Mount Barrule, to be knighted by the current King of Man, a cross eyed Foxdalian by the name of Ned Quayle.

Competitive racism is also a much-loved local pastime, although the Manx folk have had a lot of difficulty in elevating this sport to Olympic levels.

Other pastimes

A local watches grass grow on a typical Friday evening.

Nightlife on the Isle includes drinking, heavy drinking, eating chips, walking aimlessly up and down the Prom, and doing fuck-all. Nightlife usually ends when the last bus leaves Douglas, about 8:00 p.m., although an entertainment option is to continue drinking and wait for the next day's first bus, about 1 p.m. – or stay with the hippies camped in the fields near Sulby.

By far the biggest amusement for those who say they are as "Manx as the hills" is incest. It is not just a pastime but a national sport. Ever since James Corrin's 1998 world record, the Manx have always placed highly in the 100-meter cousin-fuck. The secret army of poodles that the island uses to enforce the incest laws resides in a bizarre building known as Markwell House.

For those of a slightly less Manx disposition, there is the ever-popular witch hunt. Every Friday evening, the residents of Foxdale signal the hunt for the fabled "witch with only ten toes". Though it has been centuries since any Foxdale man, woman, or Bennet has had only ten toes, the hunt is a serious part of the village "culture".

Language

The Isle of Man has two native languages – Anglo-Manx, which is derived from Medieval Old Scouse, and Manx Gaelic, which is exclusively used for talking about English people in pubs when they are in earshot. The publican will ring a bell when all the English have left, indicating it is safe to stop speaking Gaelic and switch back to English.

Typical Anglo-Manx Saying	Translation
'Rite there, yessir.	Hello, how are you?
Ya what dick'ed?	What did you just say?
Sound like.	Sounds good.
Come-over	Anyone who describes himself as being from the Mainland – usually a chinless wonder exiled to the Isle to avoid further damage to U.K. business.
Having a 'mere of a day	A nightmare
Don't fink so dow!	Regretfully, I disagree.
Going down the courthouse to get fuckin' smashed like fella, fuck a bird like.	I am off to a shitty night club to attempt sex with an underage, loud mouthed and probably infected whore.

Famous people who are Mannish

Mark Cavendish announcing the start of the island's biggest annual booze-up. Sadly, his tight-fitting shirt touts the wrong island.

By far the most noted local celebrity is Mark Cavendish. Every year he marks the start of Festival Week by donning an odd, tight costume handed down through generations (pictured) and yelling, in the island's ancient language, a call to arms – a local version of the Mexican "Grito de Guerra". Tourists don't understand the words, but they take the meaning: that the beer will flow unusually freely.

The Bee Gees were born on the Isle of Man. As this is the Isle's sole claim to serious fame, Manx schoolchildren are required to kneel and "pledge allegiance to the Gibbs" daily, wear flares and stick-on beards to school, and insist they are "not some puppet on a string". This mass idolatry resembles the Nuremberg rallies in falsetto.

The Isle of Man was also the birth place of semi famous actress Samantha Barks. Legend has it that she struck an uproarious deal with the island's fairy community, who promised her fame and fortune in exchange for the unconventional offerings of fourteen Loughton sheep toes. And requiring the completion of the challenge of obtaining a single quirky nipple, of a Peel born virgin.

Fun facts

The Isle of Man has refused to adopt either Gregorian time or leap day, and thus celebrated the Millennium in 1979. Nor do the Manx follow traditional systems of measurement. Whereas the rest of the world has converted from feet and inches to centimeters and meters, locally, weights are measured in hams and shanks, and linear measurement uses fits and starts. Liquid measurement, as on "the Mainland", is in Imperial pints.

Once, a Manx fisherman was walking down Ramsey Quay with two buckets filled with crabs. A visitor asked him if he wasn't afraid that the crabs would climb out of the buckets and escape. The fisherman replied, "No chance of that happening, yessir, these here are Manx Crabs. If one tries to get to the top, the others drag him down again!"

“Fuck me – a whole article about the Isle of Man and nobody’s mentioned incest.”

~ Plato

See also

• Isle of Dogs
• Isle Royale
• Walking down the aisle

Countries of Europe