HowTo:Find the Remote Control
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Are you sick and tired of having to get your lazy ass up off the couch to change the channel on the television? Did the remote control you seek so desperately seem to have disappear? Are you unable to cease wondering if this is the end? Well wonder no more! I am here to help you find that remote control!
Before you begin your dangerous quest, be sure that you have the right tools for the job. You will need:
- A Flashlight
- A Forklift
- 47 pounds of snack cakes
- 3 weeks of spare time (Since you have no job and live on Your Mom's couch, this should be easy)
- Several motivational posters
Have these items in a location in which they will be easily accessible. A utility belt or corner in the room will do nicely. Now that you have the required items, you should make sure that the room is neat and tidy. There should be no distracting odors present. If there are, the go to the store and buy some of that fancy new air sanitizer that was on that commercial you saw last night. No, the other one. Make sure it is unscented, as you would probably get hungry if you smelled lemon or something. All taken care of? Good. Let's move on.
Starting the search
To start off you search, check in all of the obvious places that a remote would be in. What do you mean you found it in a roll of fat? Eww... Give me that. You'll get it back when you find it again. Anyway, look in the couch, sofa, recliner, etc. Nothing? Okay, lets move on to some more sophisticated spots. What was that? It means advanced. Try searching behind the TV, in the toaster, and the freezer. Nothing. Try going through your mom's underwear drawer. Whaddya mean, 'scared'? Just do it. It's not my fault that she's coming home soon; just go through her panties! And bring me back a pair. No not those, something lacier.
Ooh, that one. Okay, back to the remote. Look in places like that toilet. I don't care if there's poo in there, it's not that bad; just reach right in there and feel around. No that's not the remote. That's my poop. Yes, I did have Bran Flakes for breakfast, how did you know? Whatever, put that shit down. There's no time to wash your hands, we have a remote to find. Look in that shredding machine. Don't worry about those sharp edges, they won't hurt you. Stop whining, that didn't look so bad. For the last time, there is no time to wash your hands! I don't care how bad it is! Stop crying, you baby. You know what, I'll just come back tomorrow.
Hey, how's it been? Find the remote yet? No? Well that's why I'm here. What happened to your hand? Well you're the one who actually did it. What do you mean, you're grounded for a week? How old are you, like, 30? Fine, I'll come back later.
A week later
You're grounded for 6 months?! Well, she's not even here, now is she? Besides, I have some new ideas. Now, since we've exhausted all of the beginner's spots, it's time to really get going. Today, we are going to dig up the backyard. Of course it'll be fixed by the time your mom gets back. Here take this shovel, nevermind that blood. Since there is only one shovel, you will have to do all the work. I'll get a beer and supervise.
Several beers later
...an-and so I hhhit her as hardgh as I couldh with that s-s-s-shovel. NO, I'M NOT DRUNK!! BLEEEEEGH! Ohhh... What's that sound? Whaddya mean your mom is home? Okay, okay, you start filling in the holes you dug.
The next day
All right, today is the day! The day we finally find the remote! It's buried in the front yard, I just know it! C'mon, don't be a downer! Just 'cause she grounded you for life doesn't mean anything. You have to do it, okay? You do want to find the remote, don't you? I don't care, just get the shovel. I'm not waiting for you to fill in the hole in the backyard, you shouldn't have dug that far anyway. Shut up! You- Don't interrupt me. All- JUST STOP! YOU KNOW WHAT, FINE I'M LEAVING! YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE FOUND THE REMOTE ANYWAY! ALL YOU DID WAS INJURE YOURSELF, GO THROUGH YOUR MOM'S UNDERWEAR, AND DIG UP YOUR BACKYARD!... And here, take your fuckin' remote- it was in my ass.