Pool Boy

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A Pool Boy is that one person who's always there to destroy your life when you can't find anyone else to do it. He will usually sleep with your wife, which leads to a divorce. With no shoulder to cry on and no one to have sex with, you'll live on the street and fight hobos for meat. You'll also be killed by a college student who's pissed out of his head and thinks you slept with his girlfriend who dumped him earlier that night because he doesn't have enough muscles to date a girl with an ass like hers.

Origins[edit | edit source]

Pool boys, even though good looking, aren't usually successful people. But then again, they wouldn't be cleaning pools if they had a master degree in engineering. Failing to find a job at McDonald's, they try to sleep with richer, more successful people to get a higher paying jobs. After the painful realization of the fact that all the people they were sleeping with were only using them for sex, they decide to use their looks to find a paying job, and because they're as smart as a one-legged unicorn (not smart), they go for pool boy instead of modelling, because having a muscular body is a requirement if you want to be a pool boy.

Characteristics[edit | edit source]

The one and only thing pool boys are usually good at is cleaning your pool having sex with things. Are you married? He's probably sleeping with your wife. Do you have a daughter? He's banging her. Do you have a son? All pool boys are bisexual. Do you have a daughter and a son? He's sleeping with both. At the same time. However, keep in mind that pool boys won't sleep with everyone. Only people whom they find attractive. For example, if your mother who's 70 years old is here for a visit, he will sleep with her. But not because she's attractive, just so he could use the insulting phrase "I did your mom yesterday" with a literal meaning. Let's try again, say your grandmother is staying over at your house for a visit, the pool boy will most likely not sleep with her, because her boobs have probably withered and she's all dry down there (assuming she's 96 years old). That also explains why the pool boy doesn't sleep with you.

Types of Pool Boys[edit | edit source]

Pool boys vary from region to region, however, the most common ones are listed below:

Next-Door Old Friend[edit | edit source]

Considering they're usually 25-30 years old, those are not pool boys, those are pool men. That's right, those are the guys you went to high school with, and used to get the living-shit-lights beaten out of you for no reason by them, then get dumped in a trash can, which in turn, gets dumped in a pond. And they're back again to ruin your life once more. The good thing is, you don't need to hide your daughter from them, because they are after your wife, and only your wife.

Sex-Driven Teenager[edit | edit source]

This guy is pretty similar to the one mentioned above, the only differences being that he's usually 16-20 years old, and that he's after your daughter instead of your wife. Now let's be clear about something: your daughter is a slut. The biggest slut. Ever. You know that, your wife knows that, your son knows that, and wait for it, the pool boy knows it, too. Since you probably don't give a crap about who's doing your daughter, this is probably the best pool boy type, and if you happen to end up with one, you're a one lucky kitty.

Manly Gay Dude[edit | edit source]

Again, just like the next-door pool boy, he's 25-30, but he's not after your wife, or your daughter, he's after your son. And maybe you, if you're attractive. Which is impossible. I mean, just look at yourself. Would YOU sleep with yourself? No. No one would. Because you're ugly, and you probably blackmailed your wife to marry you. That or she's blind. Probably the latter. No other advice is needed for this kind of Pool boy, because you're safe thanks to your distorted retarded nightmare-giving face.

How to dress your pool boy[edit | edit source]

This is the most important step of the early training. Without it, all other training is worthless and you would be wasted your time. The goal here is to make sure that he looks the part for your wife, so she won't notice what you do in her free time since she will be "busy", meaning you can go to you secert club that makes you look ashamed to the rest of the world (and rightly so). There's a lot of room for error here, so let's take this one step at a time...

The Tan[edit | edit source]

For the tan, you will need to place your pool boy in the sun or in a sun bed for four to six hours. Make sure you give them a sunscreen of at least factor 40, they do burn quickly. At this point, if you're giving your pool boy a tan in the sun, make sure your wife and daughter do not see. They will either
a)See things the wrong way
b)Get too excited over the pool boy and things will go wrong (See Pool Boys go wrong)
WARNING! Do not let the pool boy sit in the tanning bed too long, or he may become a sickly orange color. No women are attracted to human carrots.

Pete Davidson as "Chad", a pool boy, as seen on Saturday Night Live.

The clothes[edit | edit source]

This is what pool boys wear

  • Cut off Jeans
  • no under wear
  • A Watch
  • Nothing else

Your pool boy will now look the part with that get-up.

Training[edit | edit source]

There is only one way to train a pool boy, and that's to train him in a way that he doesn't know you're training him and if he did, his head would blow up because he's too stupid.
The first thing you will teach him is when to ram your wife. To do this, drop hints like this:

  • (To everyone)"I'm off - out for a few hours."
  • (To the wife, but the pool boy will hear)"I won't be here for the weekend, love. Don't do anything that will give me the right to divorce you, if you only did it because you were bored."
  • (To the pool boy)"Ram her good, but don't let me catch you. But make it seem that you two have so I know that you're doing your job."

The Golden rules[edit | edit source]

These are the Golden rules and if they are broken, all hell will break loose (See "when Pool Boys go wrong").

For the slow this means

Of course you would never need to explain this to the pool boy; it's passed on in their DNA from generations of society waste to society waste. But every now and then, a pup is born missing the gene. This can be corrected by placing posters saying "free porn on this poster" but really having the "golden rule" on it (both smart and idiot verison).

When things go Wrong[edit | edit source]

Of course some pool boys are either poorly trained or just even more dumbshits than they appear to be. So here's a list of things going wrong and what to do:

No longer Ramming your Wife[edit | edit source]

This IS a problem. Not a small one, but a huge. You will have to sort this out straight away or the worst could happen:

Screwing your daughter[edit | edit source]

Remeber your Slutty daughter? Of course you do. Common problem of pool boys is that there is a higher chance that they will go for your slutty daughter (Don't worry they will never go for the ugly one... but who would). If you ever do see your pool boy with your daughter ask this question to the pool boy. (Golden rules work for your daughter too - more later.)
"Do you wear a Condom?"

If He does[edit | edit source]

Tell your daughter that dinner will be at eight and close the door to the garden shed (If not see, "not in garden shed"). Remember not to tell your wife, as there will be a cat fight. While yes, cat fights are HOT, remember, one of them is your daughter. While she is hot herself, to think of her in that way is just WRONG!!!!! You might be ask, "Why should I tell her to stop fucking the pool boy?" Well think of it like this. What do you think a teenage slutty girl is going to do? That's right - make your life hell, but don't blame anyone but yourself. You raised her to be slut. Remember to keep a close eye (not the sick kind) on the "relationship", to see if things get worse.

If he doesn't[edit | edit source]

This is the moment when you know that one of the two have to put down. Ask yourself this, Which one is more important, the pool boy or the slutty daughter. Well here's a list for both sides
The Pool Boy

  • He cleans your pool
  • He keeps your wife busy
  • You put a lot of time into him
  • Without him your pool looks empty

The Daughter

  • Shes your flesh and boold
  • She does have a great ass, meaning that you have good genes
  • (Come back later)

In a recent poll. 99% of all men said that they would keep the pool boy because they have some use to the world that doesn't involve having a "snake" in their mouth.

Rid of the Daughter[edit | edit source]

This is easy, simply get a sword and tell her something is at the tip of it, and that she needs to get it in her eye to see it. Because shes a slut, she'll fall for it

Rid of the Pool Boy[edit | edit source]

Get a gun and start crying and tell him that it's just his time and that you will miss him

Screwing your Son[edit | edit source]

If this happens, you are an idiot. You have broken Golden Rule #1 - do not pick a pool boy who likes the cock!

Screwing you[edit | edit source]

First lets get this straght. Shit happens! One day your king of the world and things are going well, you got a great job, a great house, a great car, a slutty daughter so everbody under 19 knows who you are and what is seem less important, a wife, with some great milk floats. Then one day your having a house party, you have a one too many and bam! You wake up with the pool boy. Fear not, this is what you do, but first ask yourself this

In a drunken state, was your mind trying to tell you something[edit | edit source]

Guess what, you could gay! Ask yourslef these questions

  1. Have you read playgirl in the last lifetime?
  2. Whos your favoute character in Babewatch?
  3. Who do you think of when you jacking off/screwing your wife?
  4. Is your secert lover a guy?

Think about those question carfully. If the the answer say your gay. you need to get a new life... A gay life and repeat the porcess of the whole page, but this time, a gay pool boy for your MAN.

Its his fault[edit | edit source]

You must kill him then rid his body somewhere and remove all evedence that he was alive. If your family ask, say:
"What pool boy?"
If they catch on to you, you know what you have to do...

Anywhere but your Garden Shed[edit | edit source]

Alright, his broken the rule about only ramming your wife in the golden shed, he close to doing it on you Porn collection. Even worse, while you're watching it. the not much that can be done here other than place something in the shed to lure them back in there. One of the most popular methods is to place a boy band CD in there, seeing that most pool boy rather listen to a bunch of homosexual "singers" than a great band. Of course if that does not work you will need to put him down

How to End Him[edit | edit source]

Well theres a number of ways to this, here are a few of some pool boy owners' favouite

"The Cut the Wang off" Method[edit | edit source]

You will need

  • A blade

You simply grab his wang and make a cut. There will be blood, plus his lost his manhood (if he didn't lose it when he listened to that Justin Timberlake CD)

"The Greek God method"[edit | edit source]

You will need

  • A blade
  • A steady hand
  • A Sea

There a Greek lenged that Cronus farther of Zeus, fought against his own farther, Uranus for cotrol of the universe. He never killed him but he did stop him from producing more Gods that could threatened both of them by castrating him and throwing his balls into the sea. The idea is the same:

  1. find that son of a bitch and tie him down
  2. With your stead hand and blade cut off his balls
  3. Throw them into the sea

If you wish to go all the way with the Greek God plan, remember to eat all children your wife gives birth a birth too, after this event. It would be totally manly!

"Don't make me Angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm Angry" Method[edit | edit source]

This one is for all the people who like to explode when they're angry
You will need

  • A shrit two sizes smaller than you
  • Green paint
  • A green wig
  1. Paint yourslef and wear the wig before place the shirt on, Don't rip it
  2. When you see him Go "Don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm Angry"
  3. Rip the shirt and go , "AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH", or if your a geek, or his name happens to be it, go, "KKKKKKKKKKKKKHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
  4. Kill Him

Breaking the Golden Rules[edit | edit source]

This has to delt with right there and then
You will need

  • A shot gun
  • A blade
  • Your Wife and/or daughter
  • An Angry face
  • A sign

The Method[edit | edit source]

  1. Shoot the guys head right off
  2. Place your wife and/or daughter down
  3. Cut out there tainted areas
  4. Place a sign asking for new pool boy
  5. Carry on life as normal

You might be wondering why you need to cut out the tainted areas, well is because they are tainted, there unclean and now there stupid.

Last Words[edit | edit source]

If you trained him well you will enjoy your new pool boy but remember these words of advice

  • Feed them, they're too stupid to do it themselves, so leave a dish out with left overs for them
  • Remeber to potty train them
  • Remeber a pool boy is for life, not just for christmas... unless they break the rules


Other Links[edit | edit source]