HowTo:Impress a Girl
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As many uncyclopedians are painfully aware of, impressing the opposite secks can appear to be a difficult, if not impossible task. You may have lurked around a Best Buy or Circuit City before and found yourself next to a hottie and then started a painfully awkward conversation about your recent exploits in World of Whorecraft or your favorite techno DJ. Fortunately for you, this special edition five step program will instruct you on all you will ever need to know about how to impress that special someone.
Before we begin our journey into the wonderful world of the ladies here are some important guidelines.
- First and foremost, avoid making eye contact and then quickly averting your eyes. Often when you do this your eyes will meet and you'll falsely think you've had a 'moment.' This is untrue, in fact you probably immediately took your eyes off of her and tried to play it off- don't. If your going to make eye contact, stare longingly into her dewy orbs of black and blue.
- In order to attract the opposite secks, it is imperative that you learn guitar and only wear clothes that were bought in trendy stores. Acting as if you have just woken up helps as well.
- Under no circumstances should you start a conversation with her. You want to act mysterious which will lead them on, and they will start the conversation if you aren't ugly. Otherwise, you're pretty much hosed.
- Always go around telling people that you two are going out. Especially when you aren't. The trick to impressing her here is that she'll hear rumours that you have publicly stated you're going out, and she will of course affirm that you are in fact going out if it's love.
Step One: Choosing the girl
Most importantly, you must choose the girl you want to impress wisely. It is always best to start with the hottest and most sought after girl around. Think Ewan McGregor in Big Fish, or David Caruso in Jade. It is also important that her personality be nothing like yours, because, as is common knowledge- opposites attract
Step Two: Acting Mysterious
Next up, you should follow your new girlfriend around. Don't walk with her or even near her, just at a safe distance so you can keep watching her swing her hips. If she gets uncomfortable, she has probably become so hot for you that she can hardly hold it in. In this case, its a good idea to go away because you want to seem mysterious again.
Step Three: Keeping the Pimp Hand Strong
Most likely, she will start ignoring you at this point. Whether she looks through you when you pass each other by, or hides behind her friends when you walk anywhere within twenty feet of her, it's become clear that her love for you causes her to blush and she's embarrassed about it. This is when you most likely want to walk up and smack her with a strong pimp hand. What this does is show her that you practice tough love and that she mustn't be embarrassed by you and that she must be completely subordinate to you.
Step Four: Making Her Jealous
What you want to do now is emulate every teen drama you've ever seen and attempt to make a girl jealous in order to win her love. This method works swimmingly. What you want to do is pay a slut or whore to passionately make out with you right in your girl of choice's face, and then do something mean like punch her (because girls love a dominant man and they, as a rule, always look for a man who will beat them up a little). What this will do is make the girl of your dreams not only jealous, but really really horny (particularly caused by the punching part) and now she will probably find the nearest muddy pit so she can mud wrestle the slut you made out with. This will probably make you horny, so you ought to masturbate right there in front of them. Girls like that.
Step Five: The Confession of Love
Now that you've kept your pimp hand strong, and made her jealous you must confess that you have been in love with her since you first laid eyes upon her, and were afraid to talk to her until now** Then ask a vague question referring to love:
- "Do you realize, that you are beautiful?"
- "Do you ever feel content, but like your missing something essential to happiness?"
- "Can I have your number? Because I've lost mine."
- You may also want to hit her, as I will reiterate, girls love an abusive boyfriend. The tears are tears of joy.
Armed with this crucial knowledge, you now know How to: Impress a girl.
- In the event you actually are afraid to talk to her, you probably aren't ready for the moment of truth. Go back to Step 2.