Female friend

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In my country we have a saying: female friends are like asbestos...can't live with them, can't burn them.

Jon Sentamu; Archbishop of York

You're just one deleted 'r' away from an entirely different prospect.

Tedious crossword geek

Very over-rated


she had a penis

some guy on his newfound female friend

I met her at the zoo and we had sex straight away, her scarlet reptile body made me wet, I loved how she's softly slithers up my naked body, she seemed non venomous at first but by the time I inserted my human penis into her snake vagina it was already too late, the stupid bitch bit me

some guy on making a female friend

The female friend is a sociological phenomenon that occasionally intrudes upon the lives of twenty-something males. The female friend should not be confused with a 'girlfriend' which is a woman who spends most of her life bent over the bed, or a 'wife' who spends most of her life bent over the kitchen sink.

Entamologists have often argued about the origins of the term 'female friend', although etymologists have repeatedly insisted that they “get back to worrying about house-flies, and keep your fucking noses out of our business”.

Sociologists have pointed out that the term is something of an oxymoron, the words "female" and "friend" setting up a direct antithesis. They have, however, conceded that the term does provide a useful camouflage for certain masco-centric agendas. As such, the pseudo-scientific fraternity has categorised the female friend according to six different models.

The hottie[edit]

A typical hotty.

The hottie is the most frequently encountered variety of female friend, being the one that you spend most of the day running to the toilet to think about, whilst convincing her that you're not interested in her that way and that you respect her as a person. (N.B. Men never respect women as people). Having a hottie female friend can be an exhausting task, not only for the number of times that her presence necessitates indulgence in the pleasures of madam palm and her five lovely daughters, but also due to the number of trips one must make to walk past her window on an evening. This is an essential part of having a hottie female friend in order to exploit the one time chance when, after having an argument with her hot, rich, hunky boyfriend, she is looking for consolation in the arms of someone who understands her, knows her needs, sympathizes with her situation, and will shoot up her pipes like a ferret up a kilt.

In the meantime, it is necessary to develop the relationship by adopting a sensitive 'ummmm' and 'ahhhhh' which allows her to believe that you're interested in listening to her, and hides the fact that you've already jizzed on your mum's net curtains three times this morning just from thinking about her wellies.

The wannabe girlfriend[edit]

A variation of the hottie, some men make acquaintance with wannabe girlfriends, usually to try and elicit sexual relations. Such tactics inevitably fail when pitted against the connivance of the WG's romantic aspirations, and most men in this situation are considered lame. Women also know this and proceed to get as much out of the situation as they can; such as free tickets to movies, free dinners, rides to places (for which they never give road head and rarely thank you for), and, if possible, expensive gifts. Reports have been made of hand action, but this is usually only of the holding-hands-wafting-elegantly-through-a-mall variety.

If a friend falls into this trap, calmly and politely tell him "You're never gonna hit it!" or any equivalent statement.

The fuckbuddy[edit]

Conversely, the fuckbuddy may not have much in the way of looks or figure, but she will accommodate fruitful interaction with one's baby-maker without wanting money, being taken out for a meal, or requesting to meet one's parents. The fuckbuddy is never seen in public within daylight hours, chiefly due to the ensuing ridicule that the sight of the pair of you in public would inevitably attract; especially from friends. (See 'Bastards'). However, within the confines of four walls, with the lights turned low, one can indulge at leisure upon her well-lubricated rolls of fleshy opulence.

N.B. It has been noted that throughout the four stages of adult female growth, (teenage slut, female friend, girlfriend, wife), the fuckbuddy female friend is the one most likely to be willing to perform activities in the bedroom that would normally have one imprisoned.

The homebody[edit]

The homebody is a favoured female friend of male students everywhere. This is the female friend who gets so pissed off with the plates under the sofa, the cigarette butts in the sink and the spunk stains on the curtains from you thinking about your hottie friend every two seconds, that she eventually loses patience and naïvely tidies up. This is known as taking the bait. Once a female friend has taken the bait, the rest of the house mates identify her position (there may have been differences of opinion as to whether she was a homebody or a fuckbuddy) and help her into her new role by leaving as much shit as possible in as many obscure places as possible. This will test her in the beginning, but by the end she will be routinely investigating the most unlikely nooks and crannies for week old chilli-dogs, crusty y-fronts and festering femidoms.

The ale-wife[edit]

The ale-wife, quite simply, is a female friend who is FILTHY RICH. As with the hottie, one must pretend to enjoy her company, listen to her(!), and act sensitively to her typically feminine mood-swings in order to achieve one's goals. However, the target this time isn't sexual gratification, but in getting the said walking cheque-book to pay out for all and any alcoholic beverages that take one's fancy.

Other more jealous types might refer to those who employ an ale-wife as a 'loser'. In this case, it might be worth pointing out to these people that we're not the ones stuck at home on a Saturday night having a pot noodle and a wank.

The stepladder[edit]

Every hottie's best friend

The stepladder, as the hottie's best friend, is employed when the obvious object of one's ingenuine charms hasn't yet fallen for them, and still believes we'd rather sniff her panties than listen to her puerile tales of feminine woe. Taking on a stepladder is a risky business though, as she usually tends to be a six foot seven ginger behemoth, succumbing to instant infatuations that customarily lead to male rape. Yet, despite the risks, the stepladder does put you in the hottie's circle, close enough to provide an at least occasional opportunity for a sly sniff and squirt.

Marrying a female friend[edit]

Even in the 11th century, the longest lived men were those who forsook the pleasures of female flesh, and instead sought congress with animals

Male experts have one word of advice regarding this thorny subject: don't. Countless studies have proved that marriage to a female friend will almost certainly promote a decline in one's finances, libido, credibility, sanity, rectal integrity, hair, muscle tone, sight, memory, TV rights, and/or freedom - depending upon the type of female friend surrendered to. A recent think-tank comprised of renowned scientists Steven Hawking, Desmond Morris, Denzel Washington, and Waqar Younis, reached a consensus of opinion in promoting a bachelor life-style with occasional visits to ten dollar whore sheep, as man's only hope of reaching a respectable age.

See also[edit]

Feminine Articles
Articles About Feminine Issues

"Family members"
Parents and children: My mother - Your mother - My father - Your father - Parents - My daughter - Your daughter - My son - Your son

Siblings and half-siblings: My sister - Your sister - My brother - Your brother - My half-sister - Your half-sister - My half-brother - Your half-brother

Grandparents and grandchildren: My grandmother - Your grandmother - Your grandmother of underwear - My grandfather - Your grandfather - My granddaughter - Your granddaughter - My grandson - Your grandson

Too much ancestors and descendants: My great-grandmother - Your great-grandmother - My great-grandfather - Your great-grandfather - My great-granddaughter - Your great-granddaughter - My great-grandson - Your great-grandson - My great-great-grandmother - Your great-great-grandmother - My great-great-grandfather - Your great-great-grandfather - My great-great-granddaughter - Your great-great-granddaughter - My great-great-grandson - Your great-great-grandson - My great-great-great-grandmother - Your great-great-great-grandmother - My great-great-great-grandfather - Your great-great-great-grandfather - My great-great-great-granddaughter - Your great-great-great-granddaughter - My great-great-great-grandson - Your great-great-great-grandson

Collateral relatives: My aunt - Your aunt - My uncle - Your uncle - My niece - Your niece - My nephew - Your nephew - My grandaunt - Your grandaunt - My granduncle - Your granduncle - My grandniece - Your grandniece - My grandnephew - Your grandnephew - My great-grandaunt - Your great-grandaunt - My great-granduncle - Your great-granduncle - My great-grandniece - Your great-grandniece - My great-grandnephew - Your great-grandnephew - My great-great-grandaunt - Your great-great-grandaunt - My great-great-granduncle - Your great-great-granduncle - My great-great-grandniece - Your great-great-grandniece - My great-great-grandnephew - Your great-great-grandnephew - My half-aunt - Your half-aunt - My half-uncle - Your half-uncle - My half-niece - Your half-niece - My half-nephew - Your half-nephew - My half-grandaunt - Your half-grandaunt - My half-granduncle - Your half-granduncle - My half-grandniece - Your half-grandniece - My half-grandnephew - Your half-grandnephew

Friends: My friend - Your friend - My best friend - Your best friend

Members of the family who we have no opinion: My 1C1R - Your 1C1R - My 1C2R - Your 1C2R - My aunt-in-law - Your aunt-in-law - My uncle-in-law - Your uncle-in-law - My niece-in-law - Your niece-in-law - My nephew-in-law - Your nephew-in-law - My grandaunt-in-law - Your grandaunt-in-law - My granduncle-in-law - Your granduncle-in-law - My grandniece-in-law - Your grandniece-in-law - My grandnephew-in-law - Your grandnephew-in-law - My stepaunt - Your stepaunt - My stepuncle - Your stepuncle - My stepgrandaunt - Your stepgrandaunt - My stepgranduncle - Your stepgranduncle - My stepniece - Your stepniece - My stepnephew - Your stepnephew - My stepgrandniece - Your stepgrandniece - My stepgrandnephew - Your stepgrandnephew - My co-aunt-in-law - Your co-aunt-in-law - My co-uncle-in-law - Your co-uncle-in-law - My co-niece-in-law - Your co-niece-in-law - My co-nephew-in-law - Your co-nephew-in-law - My grandaunt-in-law - Your co-grandaunt-in-law - My co-granduncle-in-law - Your co-granduncle-in-law - My co-grandniece-in-law - Your co-grandniece-in-law - My co-grandnephew-in-law - Your co-grandnephew-in-law - My half-1C1R - Your half-1C1R - My sesqui-1C1R - Your sesqui-1C1R - My double-1C1R - Your double-1C1R - My 1C1R-in-law - Your 1C1R-in-law - My half-1C1R-in-law - Your half-1C1R-in-law - My sesqui-1C1R-in-law - Your sesqui-1C1R-in-law - My double-1C1R-in-law - Your double-1C1R-in-law - My co-1C1R-in-law - Your co-1C1R-in-law - My half-co-1C1R-in-law - Your half-co-1C1R-in-law - My sesqui-co-1C1R-in-law - Your sesqui-co-1C1R-in-law - My double-co-1C1R-in-law - Your double-co-1C1R-in-law - My stepaunt-in-law - Your stepaunt-in-law - My stepuncle-in-law - Your stepuncle-in-law - My stepgrandaunt-in-law - Your stepgrandaunt-in-law - My stepgranduncle-in-law - Your stepgranduncle-in-law - My stepniece-in-law - Your stepniece-in-law - My stepnephew-in-law - Your stepnephew-in-law - My stepgrandniece-in-law - Your stepgrandniece-in-law - My stepgrandnephew-in-law - Your stepgrandnephew-in-law - My co-stepaunt-in-law - Your co-stepaunt-in-law - My co-stepuncle-in-law - Your co-stepuncle-in-law - My co-stepgrandaunt-in-law - Your co-stepgrandaunt-in-law - My co-stepgranduncle-in-law - Your co-stepgranduncle-in-law - My co-stepniece-in-law - Your co-stepniece-in-law - My co-stepnephew-in-law - Your co-stepnephew-in-law - My co-stepgrandniece-in-law - Your co-stepgrandniece-in-law - My co-stepgrandnephew-in-law - Your co-stepgrandnephew-in-law - My 1C2R-in-law - Your 1C2R-in-law - My co-1C2R-in-law - Your co-1C2R-in-law - My 2C1R - Your 2C1R - My 2C1R-in-law - Your 2C1R-in-law - My co-2C1R-in-law - Your co-2C1R-in-law - My great-grandaunt-in-law - Your great-grandaunt-in-law - My great-granduncle-in-law - Your great-granduncle-in-law - My great-grandniece-in-law - Your great-grandniece-in-law - My great-grandnephew-in-law - Your great-grandnephew-in-law - My co-great-grandaunt-in-law - Your co-great-grandaunt-in-law - My co-great-granduncle-in-law - Your co-great-granduncle-in-law - My co-great-grandniece-in-law - Your co-great-grandniece-in-law - My co-great-grandnephew-in-law - Your co-great-grandnephew-in-law - My step-1C1R - Your step-1C1R - My step-1C1R-in-law - Your step-1C1R-in-law - My co-step-1C1R-in-law - Your first co-step-1C1R-in-law - My great-great-grandaunt-in-law - Your great-great-grandaunt-in-law - My great-great-granduncle-in-law - Your great-great-granduncle-in-law - My great-great-grandniece-in-law - Your great-great-grandniece-in-law - My great-great-grandnephew-in-law - Your great-great-grandnephew-in-law - My co-great-great-grandaunt-in-law - Your co-great-great-grandaunt-in-law - My co-great-great-granduncle-in-law - Your co-great-great-granduncle-in-law - My co-great-great-grandniece-in-law - Your co-great-great-grandniece-in-law - My co-great-great-grandnephew-in-law - Your co-great-great-grandnephew-in-law - My 1C3R - Your 1C3R - My 1C3R-in-law - Your 1C3R-in-law - My co-1C3R-in-law - Your co-1C3R-in-law - My 2C2R - Your 2C2R - My 2C2R-in-law - Your 2C2R-in-law - My co-2C2R-in-law - Your co-2C2R-in-law - My 3C1R - Your 3C1R - My 3C1R-in-law - Your 3C1R-in-law - My co-3C1R-in-law - Your co-3C1R-in-law

Members of the family for sexual bitching: My cousin - Your cousin - My girlfriend - Your girlfriend - My fiancée - Your fiancée - My wife - Your wife - Lover - Hook up - Affair - Crush - Boyfriend - Fiancé - Husband - My sister-in-law - Your sister-in-law - My brother-in-law - Your brother-in-law - My co-sister-in-law - Your co-sister-in-law - My co-brother-in-law - Your co-brother-in-law - My cousin-in-law - Your cousin-in-law - My co-cousin-in-law - Your co-cousin-in-law - My stepsister - Your stepsister - My stepbrother - Your stepbrother - My stepcousin - Your stepcousin - My 2C - My 2C - My secretary - Your secretary - My intern - Your intern - My stepsister-in-law - Your stepsister-in-law - My stepbrother-in-law - Your stepbrother-in-law - My co-stepsister-in-law - Your co-stepsister-in-law - My co-stepbrother-in-law - Your co-stepbrother-in-law - My half-cousin - Your half-cousin - My sesqui-cousin - Your sesqui-cousin - My double-cousin - Your double-cousin - My half-sister-in-law - Your half-sister-in-law - My half-brother-in-law - Your half-brother-in-law - My half-co-sister-in-law - Your half-co-sister-in-law - My half-co-brother-in-law - Your half-co-brother-in-law - My half-2C - Your half-2C - My sesqui-2C - Your sesqui-2C - My double-2C - Your double-2C - My sester-2C - Your sester-2C - My triple-2C - Your triple-2C - My sesqua-2C - Your sesqua-2C - My quadruple-2C - Your quadruple-2C - My 2C-in-law - Your 2C-in-law - My co-2C-in-law - Your co-2C-in-law - My stepcousin-in-law - Your stepcousin-in-law - My co-stepcousin-in-law - Your co-stepcousin-in-law - My half-cousin-in-law - Your half-cousin-in-law - My sesqui-cousin-in-law - Your sesqui-cousin-in-law - My double-cousin-in-law - Your double-cousin-in-law - My half-co-cousin-in-law - Your half-co-cousin-in-law - My sesqui-co-cousin-in-law - Your sesqui-co-cousin-in-law - My double-co-cousin-in-law - Your double-co-cousin-in-law - My step-2C - Your step-2C - My 3C - Your 3C - My 3C-in-law - Your 3C-in-law - My co-3C-in-law - Your co-3C-in-law - My step-2C-in-law - Your step-2C-in-law - My co-step-2C-in-law - Your co-step-2C-in-law - My 4C - Your 4C - My 4C-in-law - Your 4C-in-law - My co-4C-in-law - Your co-4C-in-law

Members of the family that came from hell: My mother-in-law - Your mother-in-law - My father-in-law - Your father-in-law - My stepmother - Your stepmother - My stepfather - Your stepfather - My co-mother-in-law - Your co-mother-in-law - My co-father-in-law - Your co-father-in-law - My daughter-in-law - Your daughter-in-law - My son-in-law - My son-in-law - My stepdaughter - Your stepdaughter - My stepson - Your stepson - My stepmother-in-law - Your stepmother-in-law - My stepfather-in-law - Your stepfather-in-law - My stepgrandmother - Your stepgrandmother - My stepgrandfather - Your stepgrandfather - My step-great-grandmother - Your step-great-grandmother - My step-great-grandfather - Your step-great-grandfather - My step-great-great-grandmother - Your step-great-great-grandmother - My step-great-great-grandfather - Your step-great-great-grandfather - My stepgranddaughter - Your stepgranddaughter - My stepgrandson - Your stepgrandson - My stepdaughter-in-law - Your stepdaughter-in-law - My stepson-in-law - Your stepson-in-law - My step-great-granddaughter - Your step-great-granddaughter - My step-great-grandson - Your step-great-grandson - My step-great-great-granddaughter - Your step-great-great-granddaughter - My step-great-great-grandson - Your step-great-great-grandson - My apartment manager - Your apartment manager - My neighbor - Your neighbor - My ex-girlfriend - Your ex-girlfriend - My ex-fiancée - Your ex-fiancée - My ex-wife - Your ex-wife - Ex-boyfriend - Ex-fiancé - Ex-husband - My enemy - Your enemy - Ex-love of current love - Current love of ex-love - My ex-friend - Your ex-friend - My boss - Your boss - My co-aunt - Your co-aunt - My co-uncle - Your co-uncle - My grandmother-in-law - Your grandmother-in-law - My grandfather-in-law - Your grandfather-in-law - My granddaughter-in-law - Your granddaughter-in-law - My grandson-in-law - Your grandson-in-law - My great-grandmother-in-law - Your great-grandmother-in-law - My great-grandfather-in-law - Your great-grandfather-in-law - My great-granddaughter-in-law - Your great-granddaughter-in-law - My great-grandson-in-law - Your great-grandson-in-law - My great-great-grandmother-in-law - Your great-great-grandmother-in-law - My great-great-grandfather-in-law - Your great-great-grandfather-in-law - My great-great-granddaughter-in-law - Your great-great-granddaughter-in-law - My great-great-grandson-in-law - Your great-great-grandson-in-law - My stepgrandmother-in-law - Your stepgrandmother-in-law - My stepgrandfather-in-law - Your stepgrandfather-in-law - My step-great-grandmother-in-law - Your step-great-grandmother-in-law - My step-great-grandfather-in-law - Your step-great-grandfather-in-law - My step-great-great-grandmother-in-law - Your step-great-great-grandmother-in-law - My step-great-great-grandfather-in-law - Your step-great-great-grandfather-in-law - My stepgranddaughter-in-law - Your stepgranddaughter-in-law - My stepgrandson-in-law - Your stepgrandson-in-law - My step-great-granddaughter-in-law - Your step-great-granddaughter-in-law - My step-great-grandson-in-law - Your step-great-grandson-in-law - My step-great-great-granddaughter-in-law - Your step-great-great-granddaughter-in-law - My step-great-great-grandson-in-law - Your step-great-great-grandson-in-law - My great-great-great-grandmother-in-law - Your great-great-great-grandmother-in-law - My great-great-great-grandfather-in-law - Your great-great-great-grandfather-in-law - My great-great-great-granddaughter-in-law - Your great-great-great-granddaughter-in-law - My great-great-great-grandson-in-law - Your great-great-great-grandson-in-law

Adopted members of the family: My adopted-mother - Your adopted-mother - My adopted-father - Your adopted-father - My adopted-sister - Your adopted-sister - My adopted-brother - Your adopted-brother - My adopted-daughter - Your adopted-daughter - My adopted-son - Your adopted-son

Other members of the family: My godmother - Your godmother - My godfather - Your godfather - My goddaughter - Your goddaughter - My godson - Your godson - My housekeeper - Your housekeeper - My teacher - Your teacher - My nanny - Your nanny - My coworker - Your coworker - My classmate - Your classmate - My lawyer - Your lawyer - My doctor - Your doctor

Pets: My dog - Your dog - My cat - Your cat - My parrot - Your parrot - My hamster - Your hamster - My turtle - Your turtle - My crocodile - Your crocodile - My snake - Your snake - My fish - Your fish

Relateds: You - I