Female friend

“In my country we have a saying: female friends are like asbestos...can't live with them, can't burn them.”

~ Jon Sentamu; Archbishop of York

“You're just one deleted 'r' away from an entirely different prospect.”

~ Tedious crossword geek

“Very over-rated”

~ Somalia

“she had a penis”

~ some guy on his newfound female friend

“I met her at the zoo and we had sex straight away, her scarlet reptile body made me wet, I loved how she's softly slithers up my naked body, she seemed non venomous at first but by the time I inserted my human penis into her snake vagina it was already too late, the stupid bitch bit me”

~ some guy on making a female friend

The female friend is a sociological phenomenon that occasionally intrudes upon the lives of twenty-something males. The female friend should not be confused with a 'girlfriend' which is a woman who spends most of her life bent over the bed, or a 'wife' who spends most of her life bent over the kitchen sink.

Entamologists have often argued about the origins of the term 'female friend', although etymologists have repeatedly insisted that they “get back to worrying about house-flies, and keep your fucking noses out of our business”.

Sociologists have pointed out that the term is something of an oxymoron, the words "female" and "friend" setting up a direct antithesis. They have, however, conceded that the term does provide a useful camouflage for certain masco-centric agendas. As such, the pseudo-scientific fraternity has categorised the female friend according to six different models.

The hottie

A typical hotty.

The hottie is the most frequently encountered variety of female friend, being the one that you spend most of the day running to the toilet to think about, whilst convincing her that you're not interested in her that way and that you respect her as a person. (N.B. Men never respect women as people). Having a hottie female friend can be an exhausting task, not only for the number of times that her presence necessitates indulgence in the pleasures of madam palm and her five lovely daughters, but also due to the number of trips one must make to walk past her window on an evening. This is an essential part of having a hottie female friend in order to exploit the one time chance when, after having an argument with her hot, rich, hunky boyfriend, she is looking for consolation in the arms of someone who understands her, knows her needs, sympathizes with her situation, and will shoot up her pipes like a ferret up a kilt.

In the meantime, it is necessary to develop the relationship by adopting a sensitive 'ummmm' and 'ahhhhh' which allows her to believe that you're interested in listening to her, and hides the fact that you've already jizzed on your mum's net curtains three times this morning just from thinking about her wellies.

The wannabe girlfriend

A variation of the hottie, some men make acquaintance with wannabe girlfriends, usually to try and elicit sexual relations. Such tactics inevitably fail when pitted against the connivance of the WG's romantic aspirations, and most men in this situation are considered lame. Women also know this and proceed to get as much out of the situation as they can; such as free tickets to movies, free dinners, rides to places (for which they never give road head and rarely thank you for), and, if possible, expensive gifts. Reports have been made of hand action, but this is usually only of the holding-hands-wafting-elegantly-through-a-mall variety.

If a friend falls into this trap, calmly and politely tell him "You're never gonna hit it!" or any equivalent statement.

The fuckbuddy

Conversely, the fuckbuddy may not have much in the way of looks or figure, but she will accommodate fruitful interaction with one's baby-maker without wanting money, being taken out for a meal, or requesting to meet one's parents. The fuckbuddy is never seen in public within daylight hours, chiefly due to the ensuing ridicule that the sight of the pair of you in public would inevitably attract; especially from friends. (See 'Bastards'). However, within the confines of four walls, with the lights turned low, one can indulge at leisure upon her well-lubricated rolls of fleshy opulence.

N.B. It has been noted that throughout the four stages of adult female growth, (teenage slut, female friend, girlfriend, wife), the fuckbuddy female friend is the one most likely to be willing to perform activities in the bedroom that would normally have one imprisoned.

The homebody

The homebody is a favoured female friend of male students everywhere. This is the female friend who gets so pissed off with the plates under the sofa, the cigarette butts in the sink and the spunk stains on the curtains from you thinking about your hottie friend every two seconds, that she eventually loses patience and naïvely tidies up. This is known as taking the bait. Once a female friend has taken the bait, the rest of the house mates identify her position (there may have been differences of opinion as to whether she was a homebody or a fuckbuddy) and help her into her new role by leaving as much shit as possible in as many obscure places as possible. This will test her in the beginning, but by the end she will be routinely investigating the most unlikely nooks and crannies for week old chilli-dogs, crusty y-fronts and festering femidoms.

The ale-wife

The ale-wife, quite simply, is a female friend who is FILTHY RICH. As with the hottie, one must pretend to enjoy her company, listen to her(!), and act sensitively to her typically feminine mood-swings in order to achieve one's goals. However, the target this time isn't sexual gratification, but in getting the said walking cheque-book to pay out for all and any alcoholic beverages that take one's fancy.

Other more jealous types might refer to those who employ an ale-wife as a 'loser'. In this case, it might be worth pointing out to these people that we're not the ones stuck at home on a Saturday night having a pot noodle and a wank.

The stepladder

Every hottie's best friend

The stepladder, as the hottie's best friend, is employed when the obvious object of one's ingenuine charms hasn't yet fallen for them, and still believes we'd rather sniff her panties than listen to her puerile tales of feminine woe. Taking on a stepladder is a risky business though, as she usually tends to be a six foot seven ginger behemoth, succumbing to instant infatuations that customarily lead to male rape. Yet, despite the risks, the stepladder does put you in the hottie's circle, close enough to provide an at least occasional opportunity for a sly sniff and squirt.

Marrying a female friend

Even in the 11th century, the longest lived men were those who forsook the pleasures of female flesh, and instead sought congress with animals

Male experts have one word of advice regarding this thorny subject: don't. Countless studies have proved that marriage to a female friend will almost certainly promote a decline in one's finances, libido, credibility, sanity, rectal integrity, hair, muscle tone, sight, memory, TV rights, and/or freedom - depending upon the type of female friend surrendered to. A recent think-tank comprised of renowned scientists Steven Hawking, Desmond Morris, Denzel Washington, and Waqar Younis, reached a consensus of opinion in promoting a bachelor life-style with occasional visits to ten dollar whore sheep, as man's only hope of reaching a respectable age.

See also

• Friend