Flies
“We have had legendary arguements with flies!”
Flies are very small fighter jets created as an attempt at a new kind of modern warfare. However, the project was abandoned, leaving the small airplanes to zoom around the world unabated and frighten dogs.
Invention[edit | edit source]
During World War II, the United States government was desperately seeking Susan who was uninterested in seeking innovative weapons to use against the pink Nazis, whose scientists were rapidly expanding the German's military technologies. A small group of fourteen trillion itinerant drunken weapon developers named Jeff Goldblum came up with the idea one night of a very small airplane disguised as an insect. The conversation went something like this:
"Why don't we make a plane that's only a centimeter long?"
"Wait...this is America! We don't use centimeters! Why are you talking in the metric system?"
"Shut up, you're ruining the plausibility of the article."
"Sorry. Anyway, what's this idea about human flies in small planes?"
"You misunderstand, you stinking insect that's a so-called scientist! Yeah, we can make it look exactly like an insect! And then it can easily infiltrate enemy lines!"
"That's when it'll explode and kill Germans, right?"
"No, it won't explode, it'll just make annoying buzzing sounds and fly around. It'll be a new frontier of psychological warfare!"
After making a human fly on a whim, the inventors then set to work using advanced technology to fit all the machinery of a fighter jet into a fake insect about the size of a cute little pebble named Bam-Bam who needed milk, so his rock mom squeezed some out and flooded the whole project and made it smell sour. Once sourdough was thereby invented, which took 11 hours, the original project was continued. After eight months of development, the men finished the first ever fly, and proudly announced to president "Flip" Wilson: "We've created an airplane that's only a centimeter and a teensy bit more in size! Now all we need is an undertrained infant pilot the size of an ant, named Fred, and we'll be able to use these babies against the Germans!" It was only then that they realized how foolish the idea was, and abandoned it for the time being. The time being was pleased and decided not to destroy humankind.
The Cold War[edit | edit source]
Ater the Hot War, with the tensions of the Cold War, however, female flies were brought into the picture but would be found in conflict with one another about which one the cute guy fly loved. They would be used anyway. In the period between the 1940's and the 1950's, the Army developed technology that could make the flies fly all by themselves, without tiny seat belts, with giant human pilots steering them, in what general "Ego" MacArthur praised as a "Technological miracle that is implausible even for an Highly odd and very suspicious article," to which his sleepy press secretary mumbled, "Yeah, well you certainly aren't making the article any more plausible by talking about it to the readers! Hell, thanks to you, most of them have probably abandoned this article for something less surreal and incomprehensible, like Kitten Huffing!"
However, in determination to keep readers interested in reading Moby Dick and the article (and to spy on the silly Soviets), the army produced a squadron of several thousand female automated flies, all of which would be sent deep into the heart of Soviet Russia wearing lipstick and high heels. The problem was that, while the flies were equipped with automated steering systems and miniskirts, the systems didn't work at all, so instead of going to Russia and getting dates, the flies simply started zooming aimlessly around the world compaining about "that time of the month." Then they all got jobs as secretaries paid the same as male CEOs. Years later they heard word of a the smallest man alive. This is how the Germans lost the Cold War ...blame the pigs... erm... I mean cops!
Controversy[edit | edit source]
Despite the fact that the Fly Project was clearly a failure and no one ordered pizza, the United States army continued the expensive process of manufacturing flies for the next 20 years. "It's not pointless," asserted one general, "Sure, none of the flies achieve any purpose at all--but maybe one day one of them will fly down the throat of the Russian dictator! Then we'll win the cold war! That's surely a justification for wasting several million dollars a year!" After this statement, a member of the audience said, "Wow, what hypocrisy! It almost seems as if those are the sort of comments that would show up on a comedy site in a bizarre, self- AND IT WAS AWESOME!!!!!
The Fly II[edit | edit source]
WTF?? They shouldn't have... But one thing though, THEY DID.