Wasp

Wasps
Scientific classification
Kingdom	Animalia
Class	Insecta
Order	Anti-Christ/Hymenoptera
Family	Hypochondria
Species	Vespa, Lambretta
Binomial name
Yellowjacket bastards
Specifications
Weight	0.5 ounces to 6.5 pounds
Length	0.01 inches to 8 inches
Special attack	Stings, loads of them
Conservation status
Bloody millions of 'em

“We eat butterflies and sting like wasps!”

– Vespa

“Bees are pussies and ants are dirty. Wasps sting arse!”

– David Attenborough

It's a summer's day. Drinks have been poured, there is food on the table and a lot of cakes and tarts to tuck in. A few flies come by - you can wave those away - but then...Yellow Jackets at 6.00 o'clock. A horde of black and yellow wasps have spotted your feast and are coming down to share. Some head for the jam tarts whilst others go straight for an opened can and then..PLOP...in it goes. If it was a bee, you would scoop it out and let it dry out. But this is a wasp! You show no mercy...THWAAAACK! You flick it away and you're never gonna see that piece of shit again!

Scenes like this happen every summer. The wasp is a justly feared insect and now they have a raging sweet tooth. The really big wasps are known as hornets and those are ones that even men the size of Hulk Hogan would baulk to tackle. Because an 'attacked wasp' sends out an S.O.S. by farting out a pheromone which translated reads 'ATTACK THAT BASTARD IN THE GREEN SHORTS AND WHITE HAT.

Anyway, a wasp, not to be confused with a white Anglo-Saxon Protestant, is a type of insect.

Types of wasps (WIP)

Hornets

Murder hornet

Murder hornets are hornets on steroids. They were brought to America by a North Korean spy who wanted to sabotage American agriculture by killing native pollinators. However, he was stupid, so he released them into the Pacific Northwest instead of the East Coast, which would've been more suitable for them. The Department of Agriculture deleted them in 2021, only 2 years after the first sightings.

Parasitic wasps

Aha ha

Main article: Aha ha

Social Wasps and Anti-Social Wasps

You can normally tell a wasp from other insects because they love to wear anything yellow or gold. This colour preference is why wasps are often called 'yellow jackets'. It is also proclaims their 'Fight Club' attitude to anything else not a wasp. The message is 'keep clear buster' if you want to live another day.

So you think all wasps are the buzzing Spawn of Satan? That is certainly true. They also come as two distinct types: The Social wasp and the Anti-Social wasp or 'Solitary wasp'. And did I mention that they are Amazons? Wasps like ants and bees are societies where egg ducts reign supreme. Girls rule ok?

Let's start with the Anti-Social types. These wasps live alone in bedsits, mate once a year with a local itinerant fellow wasp and then prepare a home for their new babies. Being wasps, they don't have access to welfare or charities so instead they find caterpillars. A solitary wasp paralyses the caterpillar with some off-colour bee jokes and then sticks it inside a burrow so it can't move. The wasp lays an egg on the body of the caterpillar and then leaves. Not such much as forwarding address or cute fluffy toy for the baby wasp to play with when it gets older. It can however play with - and then eat - the caterpillar before heading out to the wide world. The extreme anti-social wasps go one better and lay the eggs on the caterpillar without bothering to find it a home. A few weeks later, the baby wasps will burst out the hapless leaf crawler in a scene too extreme even for Alien.

Therefore the 'social' wasps are better? Well, they live in a nest and share all the housekeeping and cleaning chores. Being wasps they don't have a problem with this and many of their nests are objects of beauty. Better than the bees in their artificial hives created by humans or the slovenly ant slums under paving stones, a wasp nest is a thing of beauty. They are often made of paper and are often constructed like round lampshades. Social wasps are proud of their construction skills. Each nest is unique as they never use the same residence twice. This gives them another excuse to look down on their fellow social insects. However, unlike ants and honey bees, in which the workers live under 1984-style groupthink their whole life, social wasps are somehow still capable of independent thought, so there is some validation to their prejudices against other social insects.

Family life

Social wasps are very communal and for a male wasp, a place like heaven indeed. The male wasp (called drones for their boring voices) isn't expected to do anything except lay around the nest and watch grasshopper porno tumblr links. Male wasps are also largely useless at hunting for food and either rely on other wasps to feed them or kick bees out of flowers to stick their tongues into the golden nectar. It means the boys come back to the wasp nest, stinking of pollen and are usually forced to sleep on the doorstep until the smell goes.

The real hard work is all done by the female wasps and that includes the queen. She hasn't got a husband anymore. Mr Non-Nest Builder provided her first meal after their airbourne sex orgy when the sky was full of wasp grappling. The queen has to go nest hunting on her own and bring up the family. The boys (the drones) stay at home whilst it is their sisters who venture out looking for food to feed everyone inside. Also wasps (unlike Jedi) have the ability to chemically sense their siblings to avoid incest.

And yet, somehow we still need them!?

Odd thing is that humans are told to be grateful that wasps exist. Apparently, without wasps, flies and other badder insects would be eating all our food.

I can't say I have ever seen a wasp kill a beetle so if they are doing this supposed stuff, it must be in the dark or in deep inside bushes. Oh wait, I take that back. I searched youtube, and there are plenty of videos that don't look AI generated! They're eating flies, cockroaches, and even those dreaded spotted lanternflies that piss on your head! I never thought I would end up rooting for these stinging assholes.

Additionally, wasps taught people how to make paper. Imagine living without paper.

Wasps have been seen attacking bees, breaking into their hives for a quick 'honey' high. Often this about the only thing male wasps are capable of but will often end up hanging around in fly blown bars with bachelor bee drones, watching some sordid stick insect gyrating on a pole for nectar tips.

Enemies

Wasps are happy they have so few enemies. The rest of the Animal World are scared of them. In fact, quite a few impersonate wasps so you can waste your time chasing an insect that looks like a wasp but turns out to be a harmless (if still obnoxious) fly. About the only insect not scared of them are ants, and praying mantises. Perhaps because wasps despise them so much, ants will often attack a nest and strip it bare of everything including furniture and bedding - besides eating any baby wasps too young to escape. Adult wasps are more immune to ant attacks unless they end up on the ground and can't fly away because they're on a sugar high or drunk on natural cider.

Humans on the other hand are a menace to wasps and they will try anything to eliminate them on the grounds of "safety" and because of their obsession with dominating every animal. Millions of wasps have died as a result but they have long memories. A day of reckoning will soon come for the Naked Ape.

Difference between a bee and a wasp

Bees always try their 'hippy' sharing approach to wasps, presenting pots of honey in an attempt to buy off the wasps. This rarely works. A wasp is likely to take the honey and eat the bee.

By collecting pollen, bees think what they do is a noble profession. They regard wasps as common, noisy and ugly, although that is just propaganda, as honey bees are incapable of independent thought. Bees do have thicker waists than wasps because honey makes you fat. Wasps have very thin waists. The solitary wasps an even skinnier outline. In the past this was helped by wearing wasp sized corsets but now wasps are just good at staying slim, especially the female ones.

Schooling also comes into it. Bees buzz with English accents whilst wasps sting with Katherine Hepburn style venom. Nasal and whiny. That is why wasps in America prefer to be called W.A.S.Ps.

Social wasps, unlike honey bees, are still capable of independent thought.

Asshole wasps

In October (or January if you are reading this article in Australia), the former social wasp flies to the Dark Side and turns into the asshole wasp, the degenerate form of the social wasp. This is also called the 'Great Kicking Out'. The latest generation of princess wasps have flown the nest to look for their drone wasp Prince Charming (who then become their first 'instasnack'). No one is now going out hunting the even worse bugs that they eat during the summer and soon the wasp hive descends into the worst slum you have ever seen. The queen wasp goes outside for one last, long buzz around and then dies. The boy wasps who came back after failing to score with a girly wasp are eaten by their grumpy sisters. The chemical signal they once both had shared has been changed by the injection of male wasp testosterone when trying to attract the waspy queen talent. The female workers now see their brothers as big walking meat pies and will attack and suck them dry. The workers also savagely massacre the remaining worker larvae, tearing them out of their cells and leaving them to starve to death.

Once the male wasps and worker larvae have been finished off, it's time for dessert and a long drink of something sugary for the happy lady wasps. This is when a picnic will be attacked by wasps. Your strawberry cake soon resembles a wasp holiday camp if you leave it uncovered. Fruit lying on the ground become late night bars full of all sorts of insects who would be normally killing and eating each other. Ants, flies, disorientated bees and wasps can be found all together, their mouths sucking the sugar as it turns to alcohol. Then when they've finished with that, those who can still fly or crawl will go to the next rotten fruit and stay there.

By November, almost all these wasps will have died of acute alcohol poisoning, or the cold. This will only leave those new queens who kept their sugar intake to the minimum and are now looking for new homes to share with you over the winter. So be careful. A warm light may entice a female queen wasp to suddenly appear and head straight for it to explode, like a mini-firecracker.