Russians (тестикулы; literally translated as 'people who are in a hurry') are so called Indo-European kind of monkeys that received the physical shape of the humans but their thinking and intelectual level went somewhere to the side, making Russians an alternative path of human evolution. Russians are a fast drinking people whose level of intoxication might well rival that of the Irish but not the Finnish and Bavarians.
Unlike the Irish though they have a reason, Russia is slightly colder than Pluto, thus the high intoxication levels allow to work outside with full strength, and to have a good discussion inside (see below for more information). Russians are known for their fighting ways—they have many times in their history fought to get out of Russia,but then they got bored and hot, and thus fought their way back in. Apart from those awing traits, they also have a very distinctive accent, which most of the time sounds like angry ramble, which scares most of the tourists off the possibly dangerous streets (and to the safety of a warm, concrete building). Russians live in Russia, not Bavaria as many people assume. Famous Russians include John Lennon, Grigori Rasputin, Vladimir VII the Putin, and Motherland.
History[edit | edit source]
After the invention of Vobka the only other thing that the Russians invented (and were not patented by foreign scientists, before them) were Czars. The Czars were a taxing invention that ruled over the Russians with a velvet fist in an iron glove. They constantly forced the Russian peasants to do their will. The Czars ruled the Russians for a long time. But you should really read the section on the history of Russia to get that this is a section on the Russians.
Around the 70's of 1800's of A.D., the Marx Brothers show started up in Russia, and they were spreading Communism throughout the land. They thought it was the coolest thing ever, so it became a major fad until people forgot about it when Furbies became more popular. It was sometime later that Russia is credited with inventing the AK-47, which was originally used to cut grass (with great success in areas of building, transportation (the giant AK transport is one of the most famed creations within the area of mass transportation)and executions). Why people tried to use it in as a weapon is to this point unknown, although many scientists like Gordon Freeman are busily studying this bizarre phenomenon.
After calling the Cold War a tie, Russians began emigrating to the United States to seek the stockpiles of food they forced the Americans to produce in case of a nuclear holocaust. Many died on the voyage due to Indian raids on their caravans (however, the indian population dwelled under the constant attacks from Russian Geologists (an elite group of men, specialized in equality to spetnaz (except, they also had trucks and could do stunts with them))).
Not surprising leadership of the massive country is decided by having your supporters kill, torture, castrate, and on rare occasions circumsize (see Josef Stalin) their opponents and their supporters. Without a doubt the Russians frighteningly large collection of nuclear weapons will indefinitely be the cause of our demise. When asked about the subject Soviet scientist Nikolai Chynekjevyk stated,
"Explosions get me horny," and "I get vodka now?"
Estimates of the exact number of nuclear devices they possess are represented by the formula: x=population x 2. As each citizen possesses atleast 2 of these devices.
The devices have become increasingly scarce due to their traditional use as growth hormones in the produce industry. the radiation improves the fruits by rendering them predatory and therefore they consume as opposed to being consumed. This brings about the phrase "in soviet Russia apple eats you"
Significant events in Russian history and culture:
1440 A.D. -Invention of Vodka, a staple beverage for all Russian meals during the day.
1847 A.D. -Invention of Nitroglycerin, the first modern high explosive this chemical helped thousands of Soviets overcome their Erectile Dysfunction (E.D.).
1914 - Russia fights Germany. Millions die.
1917 - Revolution and Civil War. Millions die.
1921 - Famine from above wars. Millions die.
1932 - Famine from collectivization. Millions die.
1937 - The Great Terror. Millions die.
1941 - Russia fights Germany again. Millions die.
1945 - Yet another famine. Millions die.
1946 - Now the only person left in the Soviet Union, Stalin proceeds to repopulate the country through asexual budding.
1948 - Invention of the Ak-47 assault rifle, capable of destroying entire families and giving a more realistic substitute to Call of Duty to millions of African children.
Physical Characteristics[edit | edit source]
The Russian is a unique species- it is quite hairy, more so than its human counterpart. In this way it is closer to the monkey. As it is quite hairy, it frequently has a unibrow. In fact, when the so-called profession of junk science known as "criminologists" suggested that the unibrow was a frequent trait of criminals, critics said "So you're saying all Russians are criminals?" To which the criminologists replied "No surprise there. Everyone knows the answer is obviously 'yes', duh!". Russians, being closer to monkeys than humans, show early hominid behavior, and it is therefore that pretty much all of them are criminals. They belong to a species of primates known as Slavs, who are particularly violent, thanks to their inherently large tempers.
The Russian Soul[edit | edit source]
Yawn. Urrr [stretches]... you've heard about the Russian Soul (TM) haven't you? Well, if you've ever met a real Russian, they are sure to have told you about it at length and ad nauseum: about its huge size... depth... mysterious nature... swollen girth... Yawn. Because, hey, only Russians have souls that deep, pravda? No other nation can compete. You should see one of those flabby but vacuous American souls for comparison... Or one of those perfidious British ones! Paah! Nothing else can compare........ [Yawns again. Nods off.]
Common Confusion[edit | edit source]
The word, "Russian", is often confused with "Prussian". This is because in English the letter 'P' is silent. To fix this linguists are trying to get the letter P to speak. To date their techniques have been moot (and confusing to some).
Culture[edit | edit source]
While it might be tempting to describe Russians as drunkards it would be far better to describe them as "Noble Drunkards with a rich culture and oil." For Russians are also talented dancers, snow sculpters, painters and above all, builders.
From their earliest history, Russians learned their long lost talent of building. Those buildings have a marvelous propery of unallowing themselves be fixed with years of hard work of many men, yet easily repaired after bribing the repairmen with the bottle, large enough for two (of the repairmen). Russians are also amazingly accomplished dancers, seeming to defy all the laws of gravity by kicking their feet out from under their bodies while using their heads to hold their comrade's drink (this way of movement was also used during World War 2, where russians kidnapped important german officers that way). Russians also invented Easter by painting the first egg.
Despite all of this info, some Romans come to disagree with people who hold these views for Russia. Roman=Russian They, with an opposing view, feel that Russians are just as culture-less as they are. Only difference is that they have vodka and czars.
On another note, most of the US population came from Rome, interesting, right?
Prostitution in Russia[edit | edit source]
Prostitution in Russia? Nyyht!!! Foolish westerner, in Russia we need no such curl exploitation of our sisters, you make uncle Yuri laugh. Since the great Revolution all social problems were solved. Instead of forcing us to pay money to get great Slavic pussy, the great Bolshevik party had all women nationalised along with vodka distilleries and drug dens, ending wanking for ever. Now we have free love, not a ruble lost. However, great Slavic pussy tends to get moody after five passionate fucks from Uncle Yuri a hour, Fascist bitch.
Of course, now they say to Uncle Yuri "Communism gone Uncle Yuri, you must pay great Slavic pussy". This make Uncle Yuri fucking piss off, communism isn't in laws, it's in the heart! Why must uncle Yuri pay because that capitalist-Zionist bastard Yeltsin has privatised great Slavic Pussy? He does not have mandate!!!!!!!! He had to blow up Supreme Soviet so to privatise Great Slavic pussy. Great Slavic pussy is Uncle Yuri's right as a member of Russian proletariat!
Sorry westerner, now uncle Yuri is going to canvass fellow Russian proletariats to vote for Communist Party. Nice specking to you, please feel free to have your socialised way with my seven daughters.
Humour[edit | edit source]
The Russians are new to the new form of entertainment known as "comedy", discovered by the King of England in 1543, lost three years later, rediscovered by the Americans in 1930, not yet known by Germans. Common Russian jokes include the structure "In Soviet Russia, (noun) (verb) you!" Example:
- In Soviet Russia, joke sighs at you!
- In Soviet Russia, needle injects you!
- In Soviet Russia, hat wears you!
While this form of joke is comedy gold, other Russian forays into humor have been less successful. This is due to three main reasons:
- The Russian all vodka diet may make them more receptive to jokes, it makes writing them a little more difficult.
- Most of the time Russians would normally have available for comedy writing is reserved for not freezing to death.
- After centuries of persecuting the Jews out of jealousy for their sense of humor, the Russians said, "that joke about beets went too far! Get out of Siberia! Good luck finding someplace better!"
The Russian Conspiracy[edit | edit source]
Russians are in fact superhumans. Everything you hear about them is a lie to make us think they are not a threat. In truth a single fully grown russian man has enough strength to cause the big bang with one punch, in fact this is how the universe was created. To make sure they do not destroy the entire world, Russians are given vodka by the US government, which weakens their powers, however they are still strong enough for one Russian to be able to take on the entire US military forces with just his fists and a bowie knife. Once a Russian has drank a single drop of vodka he is addicted and if he does not drink more vodka every hour he will transformation into a jelly baby. This transformation can be reversed by injecting vodka into the jelly baby, thus countless Russians can be transported unnoticed in the form of a jelly baby. There is a famous youtube video of a youth injecting a jelly baby with vodka and then quickly swallowing it, causing the Russian to be formed inside him and the youth is ripped apart by sheer motherland body mass. Oh, those Russians.