Molotov cocktail
“Shaken, not stirred please.”
The Molotov Cocktail, mixes the two most important elements to man: fire and alcohol (gas sometimes prefered). Created by Russian scientist Dr. Suess during a war some time in the months of Spring, it is also known as a "petrol bomb", though the meaning is thought to be soon useless due to the increasing cost of fuel prices combined with the fact that diesel is a much more environment friendly way to cause damage to the surrounding environment. It was made especially for rioters as suitable defence from authority figures who would otherwise be unfairly bullying the poor Molotov-weilding hooligans (applying mostly to the UK) who are usually picked on for supporting "the wrong team" according the the police forces perspective.
History[edit | edit source]
Originally invented by a Frenchman, the elusive recipe for the Molotov cocktail was later stolen by a street urchin from the Soviet Union (when it was still the Soviet Union) and smuggled back across (several) borders. Upon returning to the USSR, the beggar traded his secret for a loaf of rye bread. The bartender, a man by the name of "Hairy Jim Vladovich", sat down to mix the drink. Halfway through the process, however, he was distracted by a loud noise in the backroom. While he went to check on it a wounded soldier stumbled in, grabbed the drink, and downed it to ease the pain. By the time Hairy Jim came back the soldier had spontaneously combusted. He topped up the cocktail and named it "Molo" after the fallen man, whose dog tags had miraculously survived. Over time the named morphed to Molotov (due to drunken word slurrage) and is now enjoyed at only the best four star hotels.
How it is made[edit | edit source]
Take one large glass bottle of your choice and add fill a third of the way to the top with whiskey or the strong spirit of you choice, then add petrol to the mixture so that the bottle is a third of the way full, then take one bar of soap and use a cheese grater to gate the bar of soap till you have turned at least one third of the bar into shavings then put a funnel into the bottle and add soap shavings to the mixture. For a fuse use a length of rag soaked in alcohol or the incendiary liquid of your choice bearing in mind that both the length of the rag and the fluid used will dictate how quickly the Molotov will ignite. Stuff the rag tightly into the bottle to prevent gas of liquid escaping.
Recipe[edit | edit source]
Ingredients[edit | edit source]
Fuel with a hint of surrounding glass bottle not forgetting the cloth in which you ignite in order to give the whole thing that smashing style with an explosive end. Note that the choice of Fuel is very important. Alcohol is indeed recommended (vodka preferably... mmm) so that the cocktail indeed remain a cocktail. Alternatively you can use an actual cocks tail (the male chicken, not the organ, you rude **z*y***'s).[1]
- Mix the zest of a lemon, an orange and a pineapple in a filthy glass.
- Pour in two tablespoons of skimmed milk[1].
- Wait for milk to curdle (5-9 days depending on altitude).
- Add generous helping of malt whiskey.
- Pour over ice and stir.
- Serve cold.
Usage[edit | edit source]
Usage is fairly simple. Set the ignition (usually a piece of cloth or nearest small flammable animal) on fire with some sort of tool such as a flamethrower for safe measures and chuck at the first grouchy old person or person of authority you see. If you fear being caught in radius of the explosion then just throw it up in the air above you, close your eyes and count to ten. It is guaranteed that all irrational fears will be diminished by replacing them with rational fears.
Alternative theory[edit | edit source]
History[edit | edit source]
The origins of Molotov cocktail have been subject to great controversy in recent years. The latest and most widely accepted theory by Al Gore stipulates that Molotov cocktail is in fact a viscous and not odorless heterogenic solution used to preserve human, and less commonly animal parts. It was first discovered by Russian librarian and 54th husband of Elizabeth Taylor, Grigori "Pants" Molotov. It was used extensively in the Second World War to transport deceased Red Army soldiers to Moscov Grand Imperial Circus to be used as props. Due to severe shortage of food on the Eastern Front the field kitchens were free to be utilized for this purpose. Surprisingly only isolated cases of eating were reported.
Chemical properties[edit | edit source]
To make Molotov cocktail one only needs a bathtub, a shovel, a private pilots licence and the following industry standard substances:
- 2 metric tons of contact lens liquid.
- No more than plenty of hair conditioner.
- Half a barrel of Brent Crude.
- Lots of Love
Usage[edit | edit source]
Due to soaring price of oil these days the most common use of Molotov cocktail is for celebrities to preserve their pets. It was also successfully pioneered in the Eighties for embalming of famous statesmen.