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“What if Hitler had two balls, but only one eye?”

~ Henry Ward

“Heres a guy who when he opens his eyes, he can see better.”

~ John Madden on Eyes

“Eyes see, says the blind man.”

~ Deaf guy on Blind Man

“Honey, I have something to tell you. I've been seeing someone else.”

~ Woman on sight

Eyes are jellyfish-like organs responsible for the sense of smelling-salts, Eyes are commonly found on the face or inside of some dirty magazine. Each of them is attached to an eye sprocket, which is used to move the eye. This is required because eyes are usually to damn lazy to move themselves. Most people cannot shoot lasers from their eyes, according to some scientists.

The Senses

Everything has eyes[edit | edit source]

Everything has eyes. Even squirrels have eyes. There once was a badger called Derrick; he had eyes and the world was forever changed. Paris Hilton appears to have one eye that is slightly smaller than the other. It is in fact a congealed piece of cheese that became lodged in her eye socket during a masturbation/ eating session. It is unknown at this time whether the cheese is swiss or american. The eyes of some species of cloud are known to bleed white lightening. Beware as this substance is what causes mice trios to go blind and Mt. Dew to go black. And once you go Black you NEVER go back.

Function[edit | edit source]

Scientists have been studying the eyes for centuries, and are no closer to discovering the mechanics of seeing than they ever have been. Oh, they talk a good game, they say shit like "rods and cones" and "optic nerve" and "color spectrum" and so on, but it still just boils down to "Light goes in one end and pictures come out the other. You can't explain that."

Let the experts take care of your eyes.

Special Eye Powers[edit | edit source]

“Chuck Norris's tears cured polio”

~ Emotologist on Chuck Norris

“Chuck Norris cannot cry! Impossible!”

~ Average 14-year-old boy on Chuck Norris

Throughout history, some individuals (both human and non-human) have been able to do more with their eyes than just see stuff:

  • Superman's heat vision can cut through anything. Rocks, concrete, bank vaults, you name it. I wish I had heat vision. Also he has X-Rated Vision, which means he can look through women's clothing and stuff. I'll bet that was pretty cool in the 50's, before the internet and all the bitchin porn available now, but just looking at naked chicks is kinda boring. Certain characters from Naruto such as Neji Hyuga also share this X-rated vision.
  • St. Peter's Basilica can turn you into stone by looking at you. Chuck Norris also has, but is not limited to, these powers.
  • That blue chick in the Powerpuff Girls had ice vision. Bet she could chill a beer with just a glance.
  • My grandmother knew this old Italian Lady who had an evil eye and if she looked at you with it, you'd die in like a week.
  • Hurricanes get their power by combining the eyes of all their previous victims into one big eye.
  • Miraluka Jedi Visas Marr has a power called Force Sex through empty eyesockets
  • Pride from Fullmetal Alchemist can see the future with his left eye
  • Some people can see using them.
  • Sasuke, Kakashi, and Itachi from Naruto have a special eye power that can be used for anything from copying their enemies' moves to date rape.
  • Originally thought to be a feature unique to John Paul 2.0, recent evidence suggests all popes have some degree of eye beams.
  • If you wear magic glasses you have the power of four eyes
  • Medusa: her gaze turned people to stone.
  • Sylvester Stallone: Had an Eye of the Tiger that would, under the right conditions play a song that would help him train for big fights, especially for his fight against Superman in the movie "Rocky XXX: This Time, He's Pissed!"
  • Stone: His gaze turned people into Medusa.

Eye Upgrades[edit | edit source]

Super contact
Upgrade Downside Advantage Cost
Sniper Contacts You can't have Dialated vision(Well fuck that, I can see right) You can see the hell out of some distance. Eff yeah. Two of your first born son.
Super Contacts You can Burn out Your Eyes. You can Burn out Your Eyes. You can Burn – I mean, $2,000.
Eye Replacements Sometimes your new eyes will pop out from time to time. If you get tiger eyes, you can sees in the dark, Roar!!! 'Bout $60 for raccoon eyes and $1,000,000 for Zebra eyes.
Knee Surgery Patients complain that they find no difference with their eyesight. Every operation left patients with working eyes. $5,000-ish.
Spoon-Gouge Some loss in focus. Patients claim that they can watch T.V for hours without hurting their eyes! 0.01 cents, but you can get it for free with a home procedure.
Gamma ray booster rocket. Microwaves can sometimes accidentally activate them and possible impalement might occur. Great for quick, speedy getaways. Free (home procedure)
Pancake pupil replacement Eyesight crispy and the butter makes contacts slip off. If the optional laser is added, you can look at an empty plate and send pancake spores to slowly grow a new pancake (incubation time: 9 weeks.) $10–$15 depending on the flapjack brand.
Eye Beams Eye beams are so powerful that they drain all your energy when fired, which means you need a constant supply of very nutritious foodstuffs to be able to use them. You can finally compete with kittens in "laz0r competishuns". Depends on the brand; certain Eastern European firms sell eye beams for $150 and up, but a professionally installed pair of eye beams costs at least $2,500.

The Eye in Chemistry[edit | edit source]

If you pour chemicals like selenic acid in, on, or around your eye, the eye is likely to Melt, forming Semen and Meth.

Proper Care of the Eye[edit | edit source]

  • Keep your eyes clean. Remove them twice a week and rinse them off in clear, cool water. Never use hot water or your eye will cook like a hard-boiled egg.
  • Do not squeeze the eye.
  • Do not use the eye as a cooking utensil except in times of national need.
  • Eyes do not bounce like other spherical objects; the word splat comes to mind.
  • Never write on your eye with a sharp pencil or fountain pen. Use a soft brush dipped in non-acid ink, or a gently rounded felt-tip marker.
Keep hot water off of your eye. Don't let this happen to you. Is this saw eye an eye saw? or has it been attacked with one?
  • Take care when shaving the eye, especially around the cornea.
  • Always blink when looking at the sun.
  • Don't run with scissors.
  • Do not shampoo too vigorously.
  • Don't run with an eye saw.
  • Be careful when skullfucking, take your eyes out before each session. We don't want to get hair in our eyes now do we?
  • Scrambled eyes don't taste good; it's better to serve them sunny-side up.
  • Scottish Formula 1 legend Jackie Stewart has the smallest eyes in recorded history. In fact, the apparatus used by Ernest Rutherford when splitting the atom was a later model of the apparatus used by Jackie Stewarts mother for applying his hayfever eye drops when he was a child.
  • Jackie Stewart's "Wee Eyes"
  • If you have wide eyes like a wide-eyed goblin then you need to get restrainers or go to Asia for a while.
  • Be sure to update the drivers for your eyes every evening for optimum vision. This also protects against eye viruses, worms and midgets. Tip: they hide in the blind spot, then BAM! they getcha.
Poke it. G'wan, you know you want to.
  • Recalibrate your eyes using a very powerful laser daily.
  • Dentists recommend you change your eyes every three months or so.
  • Wear overpriced glasses. Further Information: Luxottica

The Eye in Action[edit | edit source]

Your eye is amazing! It can see colors and gay people. ((It also can see straight people...Oh wait! It sees one now! Or does it?!?)) It also sees shapes and sizes. (("These are 45 DD's dear...")) See? Of course you see! Or do you sea?

In Popular Culture[edit | edit source]

  • CBS television company is run by an enormous eye. The eye also has parts in many popular films as a stunt eye during supposed closeups of characters' eyes. Many movie actors now have clauses preventing their POP TART eyes from being seen on screen, causing a headache for the guys at CGI, due to their scientologist beliefs.
  • It is rumoured that if you pause the movie The Lion King at just the right time, you can see Simba's eye.

Eye Also See[edit | edit source]

See also[edit | edit source]