Superman's first adventure is part of
The UnScripts Project
Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions
Once upon a time, in 1938, a distant planet nobody knows or cares about exploded. However, one of the scientists there locked his infant son in a spaceship and set it on course for the (presumably) only other planet known to have life on it: the Earth. The spaceship landed somewhere where a passing motorist discovered it. He decided to give the abandoned baby to an orphanage, which would regale in watching the tiny tot's superhuman spectacles for years to come. However, the tiny tot grew up, and discovered for himself what a superhuman spectacle he was.
Sample this: he could jump from 4-story building to 4-story building, and lift massive steel girders, AND outrun a massive bullet train. Unfortunately, he couldn't quite escape an exploding shell unscathed.
Nevertheless, the alien sent from another planet even though he looks a lot like a human being decided to use his powers for good, and don a blue body suit with red undies for some reason. And thus was born Superman!
You know which other creatures have super-strength? Grasshoppers and ants!
Superman carries a smoking hot lady who is bound and gagged and arrives at some sort of mansion. He ties the lady to a nearby tree.
This guy went on to become a
superhero? We couldn't have possibly expected that!
Superman
Sorry I can't ogle at you anymore, babe. I'm kinda running out of time.
(he walks towards the mansion and politely knocks)
Sleepy attendant
(opens door)
What do you want?
Superman
I need to see the Governor, quick! It's a matter of life and death!
Sleepy attendant
Do you have an appointment?
Superman
Does it look like I have one? Listen, just-
Sleepy attendant
Make an appointment tomorrow.
(slams door)
Superman
(tears off the door and barges in)
When I say I need to see the Governor quick, I MEAN that I need to see the Governor, quick!
Not sleepy anymore attendant
You know, barging in like that is illegal! I'm gonna have you arrested for this!
Superman
So, are you going to take me to the Governor!
Attendant
Hello! I just said that-
Superman
Then I'll take you to HIM!
Lifts up attendant and carries him up the stairs. A few seconds of the attendant crying and begging for mercy later.
Attendant
Alright, alright! His bedroom's behind that steel door. It's securely locked and I'm not gonna open it. You try knocking it down.
Superman
Okay.
(knocks steel door down)
Superman
Well, it
was your idea.
Governor
(woken up, needless to say)
What the hell is the meaning of this? Who's the creep in the blue body-suit and red undies?
Superman
That would be me. By the way, you forgot to mention the cape. Anyways- Governor! I have an urgent last-minute request I need you to hear!
We all know how this is gonna end.
Superman
Some girl named Evelyn Curry is about to be electrocuted for a
crime she did not commit! I know this because for some reason, I decided to become suspicious of the court verdict, and track down the real killer, AND force this signed confession out of her! Inevitably, I could only get all this done just 15 minutes before she is about to die!
Attendant
(takes out gun)
Hands where I can see 'em!
Superman
Seriously, dude? I broke down two doors!
Attendant
I don't care, I'm going to shoot you anyway! (shoots Superman, but the bullet ricochets off his body)
Superman
Now will you stop the execution?
Governor
(picks up the phone)
Hurry! Connect me with the penitentiary!
Execution guy
STOP! The Governor has pardoned her!
Evelyn Curry
It sure took
him long enough!
Attendant
Superman's gone! Disappeared! I can't believe I'm shocked by that fact!
Governor
And look! His note says the real killer is the smoking hot chick tied to the tree we can see from the window!
The next day, Superman Clark Kent reports for duty at the newspaper office he works for.
Bystander
Hey, Clark! Did you read today's paper? That Curry girl is innocent!
Clark
Really? I had absolutely no idea! Let me see.
(reads the paper)
Clark
(thinking)
Good thing I'm not mentioned!
Miles away, at the Governor's private residence
Governor
I couldn't believe my senses! I tell you all, he was not human! Thank heavens that he's apparently on the right side of law and order, and that we'll be able to rely on him to save the world from certain destruction for years to come!
Some other guy
And that this adventure will give rise to a huge franchise consisting of feature films, and cartoons, and a radio show and television series!
Clark Kent
You wanted to see me?
Editor guy
Yes, be seated. (Clark sits down)
Editor guy
Have you ever heard of Superman?
Editor guy
Reports have been streaming in that this guy who has superhuman strengths actually exists. He's supposed to be a harbinger of justice, or something. Anyways, I'm making it your steady assignment to cover these reports, you think you can handle it, Kent?
Clark Kent
Trust me, sir, if I can't find out anything about this Superman,
No One Can!
Guy at the phone
Hey, Clark, hurry! We've got a tip about a wife-beating incident at 211 Court Ave.
Clark Kent
I'm on my way. Of course, I'm only going to cover it, and not at all going to save the wife as I am physically incapable of doing that.
At 211 Court Ave, Superman confronts the wife-beater.
Wife beater
Hey, hey, don't get tough! If I can beat this frail and helpless woman, I can almost certainly beat you, weird guy in a body suit and- whoaaaaaaa! (Superman dangles him by the neck)
He grabbed me by the neck, threw me into a wall, and yet I tried to stab him. Why, why why?
Superman
Tough is putting
mildly the treatment you're gonna get.
(throws him into the wall)
You're not fighting a woman now!
Wife beater
You asked for it! Despite the fact that you single-handedly grabbed me by the neck and threw me into the wall, I'm gonna stab you! (stabs Superman. His knife breaks)
Wife beater
Oh crap. (Superman knocks him out. The police starts to arrive.)
Superman hurriedly puts on some street clothes before the cops enter the building.
Superman
(thinking)
It would be just too bad if they searched me. Which is why they won't.
Cop
Hey, what are you doing here next to the unconscious man and woman?
Superman Clark Kent
Well, I was sent here to cover the tip on a wife beating incident, but it looks like our friend Superman decided to pay him a visit first!
Cop
Superman! Of course, it makes perfect sense! We have absolutely no reason to suspect you!
Clark Kent
Erm...Lois...I....was........wondering...if....we......
Lois
You want to go out on a date? Fine.
At the date, Lois and Clark are dancing.
Clark
Why is it that you always keep avoiding me at the office?
Lois
Clark, I keep scribbling down sob-stories all day, don't make me dish out another one!
(across the hall, a few
perverts are watching them)
Pervert 1
Nice looking dame there, eh? Guess I'll cut in!
Pervert 2
But Butch, what if her escort don't like it?
Pervert named Butch
So what? If things get nasty, I'll push his face in! It's not like he's some kind of Superman!
Pervert 3
Hehehehehe! This is going to be good!
The pervert named Butch approaches them.
Clark
But this is not a pervert's dance!
Butch
Trying to act tough eh? Move quickly if you know what's good for you.
Lois
Clark, are you going to stand for this?
Reluctantly, Clark decides to play the chicken.
Clark
Lois, be reasonable. Let this man grope you for a couple of minutes and then we can leave.
Lois
You can let him grope you if you want, I'm leaving!
Butch
Yeah? You're gonna dance with me, and you're gonna like it!
Lois
Why you- (slaps Butch and leaves)
Butch
(grabs Clark) Fight me, you weak liver poled cat!
Clark
I'd much rather be a
chicken and not even try to give you the bashing you deserve!
Lois ignores him and gets into a cab.
Lois
Didn't you ask me in the evening why I avoid you? It's because you're a pathetic, spineless
coward!
Clark
Well, can't argue with that.
Butch
Lets get out of here, my fellow perverts! I'm gonna show that skirt she can't make a fool out of Butch Madson.
They tail Lois in their own car, unaware that they themselves are being tailed by Superman.
Butch
Pull over,
skirt! (drives Lois's car into a ditch, and drags her out)
Butch
What burns me up is that I let off her yellow-bellied "boyfriend" so easily.
Pervert 2
Who knows, you two may meet again. Of course, whenever that happens, which will probably not be anytime soon, he'll be the one who gets beaten up, not you.
I guess the story did make the front page after all.
Pervert 3
Look out!
Somebody's standing on the road ahead of us!
Butch
Ha ha! Watch me scare him out of his wits!
Superman jumps over behind the car.
Pervert 2
Butch, step on the gas! He's chasing us!
Butch
It's the devil himself! Or is it Lois's boyfriend in some superhuman form?
Lois's boyfriend in a superhuman form easily overtakes Butch's speeding car. He then lifts it up, gives it a nice shake so as to throw all of the occupants out, and smashes the car to bits by banging it into the ground.
Butch
(running)
Where are the laws of physics when you need them?
Superman
Hey, Butch! (catches up with Butch in one spring and grabs him)
Superman
Now, now, this'll just take a minute.... (gives Butch a wedgie, and makes him hang over a telephone pole)
Butch
Dammit, get me off of here!
Superman
Okay, I'll cut you loose!
Butch
No, don't! What was I thinking?
Superman
(goes back to Lois) No need to be afraid of me, I won't harm you. Although I may have inadvertently done that by shaking and banging the car you were being taken in.
Bearing Lois in his arms, Superman heads towards the city, even as sweet, romantic music plays in the background.
Superman
(drops her on the outskirts)
I would advise you not to print this particular episode, though given the way ambitious journalists think, you probably won't listen.
Lois
But I swear, I saw Superman last night!
Editor guy
And I saw a pack of pink
elephants! Seriously, that was weird.
Clark Kent
(Approaches Lois) Lois, I'm really sorry about last night, please forgive me.
Lois
Bwuuk-bwuk-bwuk-bwuuk.
Clark goes to Editor guy to receive an assignment.
Editor guy
Clark, the front page has become so dull, I've had to resort to headlining card games. However, there's a war going on in some small South African republic that could stir up some news! I'm sending you down there as a correspondent, along with a camera so that you can get some good pictures to go with your articles.
For some reason, Kent takes a train to Washington DC instead. On Capitol Hill, he attends a session of Congress, sitting in the gallery.
Clark Kent
Is that Senator Barrows speaking?
Bystander
Yes. That shady guy you intend to do something about is indeed Senator Barrows.
Upon leaving the Senate Chambers, Senator Barrows is approached by a shady dude. Clark Kent takes a picture of them together.
The US Senate. Home of the Shady Dudes and Shady Bills.
Shady dude
So, when can I see you?
Senator Barrows
I told you not to see me in public.....uh...my house, tonight at 8:30.
Clark approaches the morgue of a local newspaper.
Clark
So, who was the shady dude Senator Barrows was speaking to?
Editor guy
He's Alex Greer, one of the slickest lobbyists in Washington. However,
nobody knows what shady interests back him.
At 8:30 p.m, outside Senator Barrows's residence, Superman eavesdrops on an interesting conversation.
Senator Barrows
I told you not to see me in public! What would people think if they found out I had anything to do with you?
Alex Greer
Quit sputtering! I had to ask you- will you be able to succeed in pushing the Shady Bill through?
Senator Barrows
Of course! The house will be stupid enough to pass the Shady Bill without realizing its full implications! How else would there be a plot contrivance for this story's
protagonist to solve? By plot contrivance, of course, I mean getting our country embroiled with Europe.
Alex Greer
Excellent! We will take care of you....financially.
Senator Barrows
I suppose you will be well taken care of yourself?
Alex Greer leaves the building, and is confronted by Superman.
Superman
Hello, Mr Alex Greer, or should I say, Shady Dude Who's Corrupting the Senator! What shady interests back you?
Shady Dude Who's Corrupting the Senator
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Superman
Oh, please.
(grabs him by the foot and jumps up to reach the telephone wires above.)
See, Mr Greer? Even the pigeons know more than you!
Bystander 1
Hey, dude! Is that a bird or a plane?
Bystander 2
Dunno, but I definitely feel sorry for the guy dangling from it.
Alex
STOP! Are you crazy, you're gonna get us electrocuted!
Superman
Did you know? That you can't get electrocuted, even while walking on telephone wires, unless you make contact with a telephone pole which is
grounded? And look, there's a telephone pole!
Superman
Oops, almost touched that one...and that one, and that one....
(a few seconds of narrowly dodging telephone poles while walking on telephone wires later.)
Ah, look, the Capitol! Let's pay a visit!
Superman
What a magnificent view!
Superman
Hmm...I wonder if I could jump all the way to that building?
Alex
You're not gonna listen to me if I tell you not to, are you?
To be continued....in the next issue of Action Comics, which was published over 70 years ago.
The above script was based on an actual copy of Action Comics #1 I had found online. Sadly, the link to it is now dead.
