Once upon a time, in 1938, a distant planet nobody knows or cares about exploded. However, one of the scientists there locked his infant son in a spaceship and set it on course for the (presumably) only other planet known to have life on it: the Earth. The spaceship landed somewhere where a passing motorist discovered it. He decided to give the abandoned baby to an orphanage, which would regale in watching the tiny tot's superhuman spectacles for years to come. However, the tiny tot grew up, and discovered for himself what a superhuman spectacle he was.
Sample this: he could jump from 4-story building to 4-story building, and lift massive steel girders, AND outrun a massive bullet train. Unfortunately, he couldn't quite escape an exploding shell unscathed.
Nevertheless, the alien sent from another planet even though he looks a lot like a human being decided to use his powers for good, and don a blue body suit with red undies for some reason. And thus was born Superman!
You know which other creatures have super-strength? Grasshoppers and ants!
Superman carries a smoking hot lady who is bound and gagged and arrives at some sort of mansion. He ties the lady to a nearby tree.
This guy went on to become a superhero
? We couldn't have possibly expected that!
Sorry I can't ogle at you anymore, babe. I'm kinda running out of time.
(he walks towards the mansion and politely knocks)
What do you want?
I need to see the Governor, quick! It's a matter of life and death!
Do you have an appointment?
Does it look like I have one? Listen, just-
Make an appointment tomorrow.
(tears off the door and barges in)
When I say I need to see the Governor quick, I MEAN that I need to see the Governor, quick!
Not sleepy anymore attendant
You know, barging in like that is illegal! I'm gonna have you arrested for this!
So, are you going to take me to the Governor!
Hello! I just said that-
Then I'll take you to HIM!
Lifts up attendant and carries him up the stairs. A few seconds of the attendant crying and begging for mercy later.
Alright, alright! His bedroom's behind that steel door. It's securely locked and I'm not gonna open it. You try knocking it down.
(knocks steel door down)
Well, it was
(woken up, needless to say)
What the hell is the meaning of this? Who's the creep in the blue body-suit and red undies?
That would be me. By the way, you forgot to mention the cape. Anyways- Governor! I have an urgent last-minute request I need you to hear!
We all know how this is gonna end.
Some girl named Evelyn Curry is about to be electrocuted for a crime she did not commit
! I know this because for some reason, I decided to become suspicious of the court verdict, and track down the real killer, AND force this signed confession out of her! Inevitably, I could only get all this done just 15 minutes before she is about to die!
(takes out gun)
Hands where I can see 'em!
Seriously, dude? I broke down two doors!
I don't care, I'm going to shoot you anyway! (shoots Superman, but the bullet ricochets off his body)
Now will you stop the execution?
(picks up the phone)
Hurry! Connect me with the penitentiary!
STOP! The Governor has pardoned her!
It sure took him
Superman's gone! Disappeared! I can't believe I'm shocked by that fact!
And look! His note says the real killer is the smoking hot chick tied to the tree we can see from the window!
The next day,
Superman Clark Kent reports for duty at the newspaper office he works for.
Hey, Clark! Did you read today's paper? That Curry girl is innocent!
Really? I had absolutely no idea! Let me see.
(reads the paper)
Good thing I'm not mentioned!
Miles away, at the Governor's private residence
I couldn't believe my senses! I tell you all, he was not human! Thank heavens that he's apparently on the right side of law and order, and that we'll be able to rely on him to save the world from certain destruction for years to come!
Some other guy
And that this adventure will give rise to a huge franchise consisting of feature films, and cartoons, and a radio show and television series!
You wanted to see me?
Yes, be seated. (Clark sits down)
Have you ever heard of Superman?
Reports have been streaming in that this guy who has superhuman strengths actually exists. He's supposed to be a harbinger of justice, or something. Anyways, I'm making it your steady assignment to cover these reports, you think you can handle it, Kent?
Trust me, sir, if I can't find out anything about this Superman, No One Can
Guy at the phone
Hey, Clark, hurry! We've got a tip about a wife-beating incident at 211 Court Ave.
I'm on my way. Of course, I'm only going to cover it, and not at all going to save the wife as I am physically incapable of doing that.
At 211 Court Ave, Superman confronts the wife-beater.
Hey, hey, don't get tough! If I can beat this frail and helpless woman, I can almost certainly beat you, weird guy in a body suit and- whoaaaaaaa! (Superman dangles him by the neck)
He grabbed me by the neck, threw me into a wall, and yet I tried to stab him. Why, why why?
Tough is putting mildly
the treatment you're gonna get.
(throws him into the wall)
You're not fighting a woman now!
You asked for it! Despite the fact that you single-handedly grabbed me by the neck and threw me into the wall, I'm gonna stab you! (stabs Superman. His knife breaks)
Oh crap. (Superman knocks him out. The police starts to arrive.)
Superman hurriedly puts on some street clothes before the cops enter the building.
It would be just too bad if they searched me. Which is why they won't.
Hey, what are you doing here next to the unconscious man and woman?
Superman Clark Kent
Well, I was sent here to cover the tip on a wife beating incident, but it looks like our friend Superman decided to pay him a visit first!
Superman! Of course, it makes perfect sense! We have absolutely no reason to suspect you!
You want to go out on a date? Fine.
At the date, Lois and Clark are dancing.
Why is it that you always keep avoiding me at the office?
Clark, I keep scribbling down sob-stories all day, don't make me dish out another one!
(across the hall, a few perverts
are watching them)
Nice looking dame there, eh? Guess I'll cut in!
But Butch, what if her escort don't like it?
Pervert named Butch
So what? If things get nasty, I'll push his face in! It's not like he's some kind of Superman!
Hehehehehe! This is going to be good!
The pervert named Butch approaches them.
But this is not a pervert's dance!
Trying to act tough eh? Move quickly if you know what's good for you.
Clark, are you going to stand for this?
Reluctantly, Clark decides to play the chicken.
Lois, be reasonable. Let this man grope you for a couple of minutes and then we can leave.
You can let him grope you if you want, I'm leaving!
Yeah? You're gonna dance with me, and you're gonna like it!
Why you- (slaps Butch and leaves)
(grabs Clark) Fight me, you weak liver poled cat!
I'd much rather be a chicken
and not even try to give you the bashing you deserve!
Lois ignores him and gets into a cab.
Didn't you ask me in the evening why I avoid you? It's because you're a pathetic, spineless coward
Well, can't argue with that.
Lets get out of here, my fellow perverts! I'm gonna show that skirt she can't make a fool out of Butch Madson.
They tail Lois in their own car, unaware that they themselves are being tailed by Superman.
Pull over, skirt
! (drives Lois's car into a ditch, and drags her out)
What burns me up is that I let off her yellow-bellied "boyfriend" so easily.
Who knows, you two may meet again. Of course, whenever that happens, which will probably not be anytime soon, he'll be the one who gets beaten up, not you.
I guess the story did make the front page after all.
Look out! Somebody
's standing on the road ahead of us!
Ha ha! Watch me scare him out of his wits!
Superman jumps over behind the car.
Butch, step on the gas! He's chasing us!
It's the devil himself! Or is it Lois's boyfriend in some superhuman form?
Lois's boyfriend in a superhuman form easily overtakes Butch's speeding car. He then lifts it up, gives it a nice shake so as to throw all of the occupants out, and smashes the car to bits by banging it into the ground.
Where are the laws of physics when you need them?
Hey, Butch! (catches up with Butch in one spring and grabs him)
Now, now, this'll just take a minute.... (gives Butch a wedgie, and makes him hang over a telephone pole)
Dammit, get me off of here!
Okay, I'll cut you loose!
No, don't! What was I thinking?
(goes back to Lois) No need to be afraid of me, I won't harm you. Although I may have inadvertently done that by shaking and banging the car you were being taken in.
Bearing Lois in his arms, Superman heads towards the city, even as sweet, romantic music plays in the background.
(drops her on the outskirts)
I would advise you not to print this particular episode, though given the way ambitious journalists think, you probably won't listen.
But I swear, I saw Superman last night!
And I saw a pack of pink elephants
! Seriously, that was weird.
(Approaches Lois) Lois, I'm really sorry about last night, please forgive me.
Clark goes to Editor guy to receive an assignment.
Clark, the front page has become so dull, I've had to resort to headlining card games. However, there's a war going on in some small South African republic that could stir up some news! I'm sending you down there as a correspondent, along with a camera so that you can get some good pictures to go with your articles.
For some reason, Kent takes a train to Washington DC instead. On Capitol Hill, he attends a session of Congress, sitting in the gallery.
Is that Senator Barrows speaking?
Yes. That shady guy you intend to do something about is indeed Senator Barrows.
Upon leaving the Senate Chambers, Senator Barrows is approached by a shady dude. Clark Kent takes a picture of them together.
The US Senate. Home of the Shady Dudes and Shady Bills.
So, when can I see you?
I told you not to see me in public.....uh...my house, tonight at 8:30.
Clark approaches the morgue of a local newspaper.
So, who was the shady dude Senator Barrows was speaking to?
He's Alex Greer, one of the slickest lobbyists in Washington. However, nobody knows
what shady interests back him.
At 8:30 p.m, outside Senator Barrows's residence, Superman eavesdrops on an interesting conversation.
I told you not to see me in public! What would people think if they found out I had anything to do with you?
Quit sputtering! I had to ask you- will you be able to succeed in pushing the Shady Bill through?
Of course! The house will be stupid enough to pass the Shady Bill without realizing its full implications! How else would there be a plot contrivance for this story's protagonist
to solve? By plot contrivance, of course, I mean getting our country embroiled with Europe.
Excellent! We will take care of you....financially.
I suppose you will be well taken care of yourself?
Alex Greer leaves the building, and is confronted by Superman.
Hello, Mr Alex Greer, or should I say, Shady Dude Who's Corrupting the Senator! What shady interests back you?
Shady Dude Who's Corrupting the Senator
I have no idea what you're talking about.
(grabs him by the foot and jumps up to reach the telephone wires above.)
See, Mr Greer? Even the pigeons know more than you!
Hey, dude! Is that a bird or a plane?
Dunno, but I definitely feel sorry for the guy dangling from it.
STOP! Are you crazy, you're gonna get us electrocuted!
Did you know?
That you can't get electrocuted, even while walking on telephone wires, unless you make contact with a telephone pole which is grounded
? And look, there's a telephone pole!
Oops, almost touched that one...and that one, and that one....
(a few seconds of narrowly dodging telephone poles while walking on telephone wires later.)
Ah, look, the Capitol! Let's pay a visit!
What a magnificent view!
Hmm...I wonder if I could jump all the way to that building?
You're not gonna listen to me if I tell you not to, are you?
To be continued....in the next issue of Action Comics, which was published over 70 years ago.
The above script was based on an actual copy of Action Comics #1 I had found online. Sadly, the link to it is now dead.