John Madden

You may be looking for Captain Obvious and not even know it!

George W. Bush with Madden, discussing retirement. And Brett Favre.

“Hello, I'm John Madden. See, now this article says ‘John Madden’, because it's about me, John Madden. John Madden is my name, you see. It could be about someone else named John Madden, but this time it's about me, John Madden.”

~ John Madden on this article

Now what we're seeing here is an article that you're reading, which is an act that you only can do while reading with your eyes, which isn't like reading with your hands. If you read with your hands, you're not really reading because reading requires the use of your eyes which aren't on your hands because they're your hands, that is unless you're blind and have some kind of newflangled brailler attachment, in which case you WOULD be reading with your hands instead of your eyes. Anyway, here you are reading this article that's being read with your eyes and not your hands, and it's about John Madden.

Now this John Madden guy, he's not like other guys, because if he was he'd be them, which isn't what he is because he's him, he's John Madden. If he was another guy, then he'd be Tony Siragusa, or Troy Aikman, who reads with his hands and talks with his ass which is on his neck which acts like a face which it's not because he's not John Madden.

Early Life

What you've got here is childbirth, which is a child being born of a woman, which isn't a man, which is what a woman isn't.

What you have here is Estelle Parsons and Fran Tarkenton, and they're getting it on like nobody's business, and here you've got coitus which is the same as intercourse happening. And you've got Franny there pushing for a forward pass and Estelle Parsons pulling her defensive lineman, letting Fran's linebackers get past. Now that's just unacceptable behavior by defensive linemen, because their primary job is defense. Let's see if they can stop the backs before they accomplish a touchdown, which would be good for the scoring team because that means they score. That's not good for the others because they're not scoring because the other team is scoring a touchdown, which scores them points.

TOUCHDOWN!!!!!!!!

Season's over, this fine game ending what is the finest of all fine games, and the season, which is over. Nine months go by and no action in the endzone, none at all, which is a shame, because it means there's no football. Finest game around, you'd be hard pressed to find a finer game. Finding a finer game, in fact, would be harder than Estelle Parsons is pushing to get this baby out! Where'd that baby come from? Hey, that kid looks like a football!

Fear of Flying

So, in life, John Madden, this guy, he's scared (which means fearful of something that makes you afraid) of flying, mostly because of the sexual assault committed by him. You see, when a man loves a woman very much, he gets a boner, which he then needs to get rid of by having sex, which is why Fran Tarkenton and Estelle Parsons had to have John Madden so he has to return the favor. So anyway, prominent in his fear of flying is when he got a boner on this airplane, right, and he tried to take it out on this stewardess, and she said no and he didn't stop even though no is not an affirmative which is something that means yes which is the opposite of no which is not yes. He was arrested which is like being taken into police custody except with handcuffs.

This is like the devil, which is another name for Satan who is Lucifer but only on Sunday. Or something. This even confuses John Madden. Makes his head go BOOM!

So, if you're scared, you get fearful of stuff, which you can't do in football, because if you get scared in football then you're afraid which loses games. But being afraid is OK if you love football because if you love football and football loves you and you've also had sex with a telestrator like I have then you want to be around for as much football as possible. Therefore, John Madden is afraid of flying.

Man crush on Brett Favre

“There's Brett Favre and then there's Brett Favre and then there's a Brett Favre type of thing that Brett Favre is gonna do and when he does it you gotta say that, that, that's ah ah a Brett Favre type of thing that he did right there, ya know?”

~ John Madden on one of his long rambling narratives about Brett Favre

Now this John Madden guy, well, he's a homosexual, which is like being the opposite of heterosexual, which is homosexual, which is also gay. Now, there's this guy named Brett Favre, who's the greatest quarterback in football, which is the greatest game in the world, and John Madden has a crush on him, which is like being in love except that Brett Favre may not love John Madden back and instead kick him in the testicles for trying to be gay. But fortunately, he does like John Madden, and these two are wanting to get it on like nothing else, like that time when Fran Tarkenton and Estelle Parsons got it on to have John Madden.

Videogame Series

“Who the fuck is John Madden, anyways? He doesn’t even look like an athlete!”

~ Angry Video Game Nerd on John Madden

Yeah, so this one time John Madden was high, which is like stoned except stones are rocks and John Madden was high, not rocks. So here's John Madden who's in a bus and not a plane because he had a boner and his parents had sex and football needed to be seen (see above), so he's on this bus and decides he needs more money. Usually, you see, when you're on drugs, you can't think straight, because you think crooked when you're on drugs which means you're thinking not straight which is not thinking straight. That's why they're bad for football, because if you don't think straight you don't throw the ball straight but you're not thinking straight so you think you're throwing the ball straight. So Madden, John Madden, was thinking crooked and not straight and in this wayward state he decided he knew how to program video games. Thus, on the back of a vomit soaked napkin on the head of his multi-colored velvet seat cushion, Madden 1990 was born. The code looks something like this:

John Madden takes a break, and breaks down the major conflicts in the Middle East. So, now, here you got your Iraqi. Heh! Iraq! Boobs! Boom! I love that place! Now, over here, are, are, are the Iranites, you know! Boooo! So, you take...

if BrettFavre = laid
then
{
Pass the ball 10 meters
}
and
{
BOOM!
}

Using the ace in his sleeve and the "gun" in his pocket he convinced Brett Favre to endorse it which is like advertising except the same because it is. With his money, which is cash except more valuable because it's in any currency which is types of cash which is not as good as money because Tony Siragusa reads with his hands, John Madden had the script cleaned up so that it made sense. Each year, he repackages it and releases it under a new name and he makes more money than Tony Siragusa! BOOM!

In the instructions for Madden 2007, the following is written:

In this game, which is a game about playing a game of football, which is the best game in the world, you have to win. To win, you have to score points, especially if you're losing. If you're losing you're going to have to score points to win. If you don't score, you're not going to win, which means you're going to lose, which means that you have to score points! Now you're probably wanting to go play the game now, and I'm just going to tell that if you're playing the game, then you should play and not whine about playing, because if you're a player then you should be playing. Being a good player is not enough, either. What you got here is great players playing a great game; You could find some players on the street, and they'd probably play a good game; but what you got here is great players playing a great game. And that's why I'm glad you bought the game.

Death

This is about 1/100th of the lard involved in this guy John Madden's death. 1/100th is like when 100 times more of something would make it 100/100s which is one which is not a song by U2.

John Madden, this guy John Madden who we've been talking about for so long, well, this John Madden guy is dead, which is like being alive except the opposite which is dead which means you're not alive. Even though he had AIDS (the bad kind, not the good kind that help you, which are aides which are like assistants except not AIDS) that he got from a telestrator, herpes (which is like crabs except crabs are sea animals and herpes isn't) from Brett Favre, and severe brain damage (from all of the drugs which are like bombs for your brain), what ultimately killed this John Madden guy was eating lard while reading with his hands. Now, this guy, this John Madden, he loved lard, which was like his anti-drug, which is when you like something more than drugs but still don't mind doing drugs occasionally to get high which is not at all like being low. So anyway, he was eating his anti-drug and reading the code for Madden 2008 with his hands which are not where you're supposed to read because reading is what your eyes do when they're not hands. Concentrating all of his energy on reading with his hands, he didn't realize when he started to choke, which is like when you can't breathe except with stuff in your breathing hole which is called a throat which was clogged with lard. He asphyxiated, which is a fancy word for choked which is when you can't breathe because you're reading with your hands, and he is buried under Brett Favre's bed, which is a place where you can sleep on or have sex which is what Fran Tarkenton and Estelle Parsons had to have John Madden who is now dead.

Quotes

“He is our god. UUuuuuuuuuuuuu”

~ Astronauts on John Madden

“FOOTBALL!!!!”

~ John Madden on Football

“All he does is state the obvious”

~ Captain Obvious on John Madden

“Scoring more points than your opponent is the key to winning those tough games.”

~ John Madden, conveying his endless knowledge of football strategy

“When your arm gets hit, the ball is not going to go where you want it to.”

~ John Madden on how pressuring the QB decreases his accuracy

“Hey, the offensive linemen are the biggest guys on the field, they're bigger than everybody else, and that's what makes them the biggest guys on the field. This makes them good blockers.”

~ John Madden on the advantage that size has on a football team

“Here's a guy who when he runs, he moves faster.”

~ John Madden on Tiki Barber and how he increases his velocity

“John Madden... John Madden... Isn't he that film director who made this shitty film "Shakespeare in Love"?”

~ Dubya on John Madden

“Hey now, hey now, my Brett Favre's back!!”

~ "John Madden" on John Madden's man crush

“Usually, the team that turns the ball over less will hold on to the ball more”

~ John Madden on some thing or another

“Now see, Anthony Weiner has the last name "Weiner", which makes it funny that a weiner is what he showed the world on that internet thing, just like Brett Weiner. Err Favre”

~ John Madden on his love of Weiner