Astronauts

Astronauts are lazy, good-for-nothing fools who are a little too enthusiastic about leaving earth, if you ask me. However they are one of the rare people who are immune to being a Shock Victim but only while in space.

Origin

"Astronaut" is actually just a typo of the word "astroknot" which is, as the name implies, a knot in space. The term refers specifically to A knot in space, which was accidentally flown in to by what was supposed to be the first spaceship to land on the moon, which exploded upon impact. The astroKNOT however, was launched directly into the moon with such force as to cover it's entire surface with craters. The writer of the first article covering the collision accidentally wrote "astronaut lands on the moon", presumably under the influence of drugs, and that is how it came to be known.

Rocket Man

They eventually realized that they would need to find a person to put on their phallic rocket. They needed a rocket-man who liked phalli. They almost gave up, when by chance they discovered Elton John. He was happy to get on the vehicle and fly away. When he returned with no butter, he was subject to a public stoning, a horrific affair wherein the criminal is locked in a car and forced to take bong-hits for twenty-four hours straight. The search continued for a substance which would become known as margrine, but people seemed to be unable to forget about space travel. By popular demand, Meatloaf built a rocket ship to fly to Neptune. This inspired a young man to make an epic movie about a few interstellar fools who battle a crazy guy in a big metal planet who wants to killinate everyone. Geroge Bush saw this movie and decided to stock-pile nuclear weapons and killinate anyone caught exercising their constitutional rights. As soon as Bush got into the space fad, it became uncool and shunned. Adair, of the Upright Citizens Brigade published a book, Damn Astronauts, on why astronauts suck. They do. 'Nuff said.

Care and Feeding

An example of a Bat Fuck Insane astronaut

Contrary to popular belief, astronauts cannot eat any kind of solid non dehydrated food, with the sole exception of strudels mixed with random electronical parts.

An astronaut's primary diet consists of Tang and dehydrated ice cream. Astronauts are in fact, actually group of people whom are addicted to these items, who got together to form NASA to collect monies to feed their horrible addiction. They require so much of these items, that they can't afford it with their bazillions of dollars somehow, so they started a Feed the Starving Astronauts Fund as a ploy for moar monies. "...Millions of astronauts are suffering, world-wide, year round! GIVE THEM ALL YER MONIES NOW PLZ"

The astronauts are very interested in rune stove technology, so they can melt their Tang into a paste form in which to dip their dehydrated ice cream. RUNE STOVES, TANG, AND DEHYDRATED ICE CREAM. THE THREE THINGS EVERY ASTRONAUT WANTS MOST!

The astronauts are pretty much really jerks because of mooching money for their addiction. The best course of action to attempt to counter this is to taunt them. It is strongly encouraged to buy SO MUCH Tang and dehydrated ice cream THAT THEY WILL BE ABLE TO SEE IT FROM SPACE.

Astronauts are also known to prey on midgets, occasionally coming down to earth and swooping down to steal the helmet off of an unsuspecting midget, thus rendering them helpless. They then may come back for the midget, and carry them back to space. It is believed that the astronauts, however, may not consume the stolen midgets, but rather are training them to be an invincible midget astronaut army of doom to use against anyone who tries to take a stand against them on Earth.