J. P. Losman
 Most Perfect Hair in Football | |
| No. 7 | |
|---|---|
| Position: | Quarterback, THE quarterback. |
| Personal information | |
| Born: |
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| Height: | 6-foot-2 |
| Weight: | 212 lbs of luscious hair |
| Career information | |
| College: | Tulane |
| NFL Draft: | 2004 / Round: 1 / Pick: 22 |
| Career history | |
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| Career highlights and awards | |
NFL records
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| Career NFL statistics | |
| Pro Bowls: | All of them |
| Honors: | Studliest dude ever |
| TD: | 69 |
| INT: |  |
| Player stats at NFL.com | |
Jonathan Paul "J.P. LOLsman" Losman (born March 12, 1981) is a professional football player who last "played" quarterback for the "NFL"'s laughing stock, the Oakland Raiders. Losman grew up in Venice, California, played quarterback and probably had a lot of sex at Venice High School. He has since become a college coach working with the likes of Trevor Lawrence.
College[edit | edit source]
Losman went to Tulane University in Louisiana. He was often confused with Bobby Boucher from "The Waterboy" but the reader is assured that JP REALLY is not Mr. Boucher. He just had a reeeeally chill attitude, man.
The NFL[edit | edit source]
After the Buffalo Bills selected Wisconsin wide receiver Lee Evans with the 13th pick of the 2004 Draft, the Bills decided they needed someone to fuck it all up, and Ralph Wilson had a premonition of a big-armed, big cock, trunky quarterback who would one day lead Buffalo to glory. Thus, after getting FOMO from seeing Eli Manning, Philip Rivers, and Big Ben Roethlisberger get snatched up, Buffalo traded back into the first round and selected the guy who impersonated Wilson's premonition the most, with the 22nd pick in the first round. That unlucky guy was Losman out of Tulane, and he was shoved into a shitty offensive system fit for a pee wee squad instead of a system that actually adjusted to his strengths.[1]
Adding insult to injury, Losman suffered a broken left fibula while fighting a pack of rabid gorillas as part of Ralph Wilson's rookie minicamp hazing requirements, which delayed his development as a rookie. The gorillas, however, all died, delaying their development as a species.
Losman eventually recovered and saw limited action in the 2004 NFL season, appearing briefly in three games and completing 3-of-5 passes for 32 yards and 1 interception. The gorillas made no appearances in the NFL nor on the Earth, as they were dead. Following the Bills' February 2005 release of total suckass pussy Drew Bledsoe, Losman was named the leader of the free world by now ex-head coach Mike Mularkey, who very well may have been a gorilla, but was also full of Mularkey.
After 2006, his "rocket" arm, in addition to his studly build, big feet and studly, I mean studly build, made him something of a man-crush to Bills management. I mean studly. Extra studly. Due to his subsequent coaches being even bigger gorillas who had no idea how to scheme for a studly quarterback who could run and bomb the ball downfield, Losman went on to establish himself as the biggest piece of shit quarterback in the league, nay, the universe. For every 80-yard TD bomb he threw to Lee Evans, he might as well have stuck his head in the sand for the rest of the game due to not being allowed to scramble. Studly.
Also, are we sure Losman never smoked the ganja? Being a surfer bro with a rocket arm, he certainly fit the part. That surfer bro personality did him no favors with Buffalo's dinosaur coaching staff either.
Buffalo's new head coach, a gorilla named Dick, eventually decided to randomly fire Losman for a cowardly checkdown statue named Trent Edwards, who did well in Losman's stead until Edwards' cowardly checkdown act got his head bashed in. Losman was truly a man before his time, but sucked ass because of it. Studly.
Internet Superiority[edit | edit source]
Losman, in his supreme awesomeness, also has a variety of Facebook groups dedicated to his many "positive" features. They include: JP Losman for Inmate of the Month, JP Losman is a quarterback, JP Losman is so damn studly and, of course, JP Losman: Good enough for the UFL.
When you thought it couldn't get worse.....[edit | edit source]
...JP signed with the Raiders. Hey, I just found another fan page: JP Losman is good enough to play for the Raiders.
Summary[edit | edit source]
JP Losman is amazing. Much better than Tom Brady (at sucking). Much better than Jesus Christ himself (at sucking). Much tougher than gorillas.
See Also[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Had they waited one year and kept the pick, Buffalo would have gotten Aaron Rodgers, but probably also fucked him up too.