J. P. Losman
 Most Perfect Hair in Football | |
| No. 7 | |
|---|---|
| Position: | Quarterback, THE quarterback. |
| Personal information | |
| Born: |
|
| Height: | 6-foot-2 |
| Weight: | 212 lbs of luscious hair |
| Career information | |
| College: | Tulane |
| NFL Draft: | 2004 / Round: 1 / Pick: 22 |
| Career history | |
| |
| Career highlights and awards | |
NFL records
| |
| Career NFL statistics | |
| Pro Bowls: | All of them |
| Honors: | Studliest dude ever |
| TD: | 69 |
| INT: |  |
| Player stats at NFL.com | |
Jonathan Paul "J.P. LOLsman" Losman (born March 12, 1981) is a professional football player who last "played" quarterback for the "NFL"'s laughing stock, the Oakland Raiders. Losman grew up in Venice, California, played quarterback and probably had a lot of sex at Venice High School. He has since become a college coach working with the likes of Trevor Lawrence.
College[edit | edit source]
Losman went to Tulane University in Louisiana. He was often confused with Bobby Boucher from "The Waterboy" but the reader is assured that JP REALLY is not Mr. Boucher.
The NFL[edit | edit source]
After the Buffalo Bills selected Wisconsin wide receiver Lee Evans with the 13th pick of the 2004 Draft, the Bills decided they needed someone to fuck it all up. Thus, they traded back into the first round and selected Losman, out of Tulane, with the 22nd pick in the first round.
Fortunately, Losman suffered a broken left fibula while fighting a pack of rabid gorillas as part of Ralph Wilson's rookie minicamp requirements, which delayed his development as a rookie. The gorillas, however, all died, delaying their development as a species.
Losman eventually recovered and saw limited action in the 2004 NFL season, appearing briefly in three games and completing 3-of-5 passes for 32 yards and 1 interception. The gorillas made no appearances in the NFL nor on the Earth, as they were dead. Following the Bills' February 2005 release of total suckass pussy Drew Bledsoe, Losman was named the leader of the free world by now ex-head coach Mike Mularkey, who very well may have been a gorilla.
After 2006, his "rocket" arm, in addition to his studly build, big feet and studly, I mean studly build, made him something of a man-crush to Bills management. I mean studly. Extra studly. Losman went on to establish himself as the biggest piece of shit quarterback in the league, nay, the universe. For every 80-yard TD bomb he threw to Lee Evans, he might as well have stuck his head in the sand for the rest of the game. Studly.
Internet Superiority[edit | edit source]
Losman, in his supreme awesomeness, also has a variety of Facebook groups dedicated to his many "positive" features. They include: JP Losman for Inmate of the Month, JP Losman is a quarterback, JP Losman is so damn studly and, of course, JP Losman: Good enough for the UFL.
When you thought it couldn't get worse.....[edit | edit source]
...JP signed with the Raiders. Hey, I just found another fan page: JP Losman is good enough to play for the Raiders.
Summary[edit | edit source]
JP Losman is amazing. Much better than Tom Brady (at sucking). Much better than Jesus Christ himself (at sucking). Much tougher than gorillas.