Gorilla
| Gorilla | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Scientific classification | |
| Kingdom | Animal Kingdom |
| Phylum | Amphioxus |
| Class | Apes |
| Order | Primates |
| Family | Harambe |
| Genus | King Kong |
| Species | Mammals |
| Binomial name | |
| Hairy people in your backyard | |
| Specifications | |
| Primary armament | Fartium |
| Secondary armament | Stick |
| Power supply | Stench |
| Health | 1,000 |
| Mana | 0 |
| Strength | Ignorance |
| Intelligence | Planet of the apes |
| Weight | 5-960 tons |
| Length | 1-10' |
| Special attack | Toe fu kung grip |
| Conservation status | |
| Endangered but For Gorilla Marketing Use Only | |
“I'm hung like one.”
“Hhhhhmmmmmmmmm.”
“There is no greater joy in life than drinking the sweet milk of an older gorilla, and resting your face in its soft, supple bosoms.”
“Hey this guy looks like me!”
Gorillas (the "L's are silent, hence, "gorias" also pronounced "gorirras") also known as "a spawn of James Miller," are the big hairy people living in your mom's backyard and are man's closest relatives in the ape family. They are in fact more intelligent that humans but chose not to use their intellect to take over the world, due to their pacifist ideology. They love to throw wild parties in your mom's backyard. In the wild, they are often seen engaged in kitten grappling, nostril dentation, or poop flinging, older gorias are known colloquially as civil engineers. They are able to be astronauts who can finger themselves. They are known to throw poop at cunts who make fun of them.
Female gorias are called snatchsquatches, or sometimes yetis, yaks, james miller, or yentas. They can be differentiated from male gorias by the iridescent slime trails they leave in the grass. Goria muff hats are all the rage in Delaware and Canada. At the time of this writing, most gorias spend lots of time tugging on each others genitals like they were hot taffy and licking the rancid sweat from their palms at intervals. Boop. One notable gorilla that taught sign language is Koko. When she was younger, she liked watching dirty old man gorillas. Her other hobbies were eating raw chicken and having sex with dead fish. But one fish happened to be alive and it impregnated her. She soon gave bith to three notable celebrities: Ozzy Osbourne, Mr. T, and Mark Henry.
History of Gorillas[edit | edit source]
Gorillas in the early common era[edit | edit source]
Historians believe that Mary was a gorilla, making Jesus exactly half gorilla, giving him super badass abilities such as walking on water and the ability to gain someone's soul by eating their heart.
Gorillas in the 1980s[edit | edit source]
In the 1980's many gorillas had the extraordinary ability to randomly pick up barrels and throw them at their natural enemy, small fat moustached Italian plumbers, usually dressed in red and blue.
Gorillas in the 1990s[edit | edit source]
In the late 1990's they forgot their differences and joined forces to fight a new enemy. Big spiky turtles.
Gorillas in the 21st century[edit | edit source]
In 2005, one large gorilla known as "Kong" revisited New York and climbed up the Empire State Building like he did back in 1933 to fight off air planes, as he will year 2012, and he will be more known as one of the members in the Apocalypse. He later settled down to eat a fresh piece of pizza. LIES IT'S ALL LIES!
Also in 2005 Gorilla Marketing was developed, Gorilla Marketing or "Gorilla Warfare" is a relatively new arsenal of advertising weaponry and promotional products that humans go APE over! It combines an unconventional system of promotions on a very low budget (no budget really) - gorillas come cheap.
By relying on gorilla time, gorilla energy and gorilla imagination instead of big marketing budgets that were common in the ancient history of advertising, the end result is usually a lot of poo flinging, tire swinging, Samsonite luggage tossing and banana beatings until the assailed individual(s) buy(s) the marketed product(s). Sss! That's the sound a gorilla fart makes (another tactic commonly used).
In 2017, Kong came back yet again but this time as the size of a kaiju and didn't get killed as he did three times before.
Gorillas in the future[edit | edit source]
In the future, gorillas will take the power back.
Gorillas in the 24th century[edit | edit source]
Gorillas underwent body modifications in conjunction with Charlton Heston in order to form an ultimate race called AOL Time Warner Presents: Gorillas. The new race built Statue of Liberty (Liberty, liiberty, liiiberty, liberty) replicas in order to trick itself into thinking it never had melded with Charlton Heston. Charlton Heston then arrived from a previous time and accused the Gorillas of being maniacs. To counter this, the Gorillas underwent Heston De-emphasis to show Heston that he, in fact, was part of them. The Gorillas thus reverted back to being slightly modified Gorillas, but mistakenly created the Double Charlton Heston Paradox. The NRA, in particular, was put into disarray as it was not sure how to reconcile having two leaders at once who were largely the same being.
Important Gorilla facts[edit | edit source]
The males are called "Gorilla" and the females are called "Baboons". The study of such things is often referred to as Gorillaology.
Middle class gorillas have been known to descend upon affluent areas, armed with bulbs, seedbombs and flowery things which they plant under the soil. This practice is terribly trendy and known as Gorilla Gardening. Some of the bulbs grow into two lips.
"Under a Gorilla" was also found to be the hottest place in the jungle.
The leader of a troop of gorillas is known as a silverback. Business analysts are baffled that Just For Men has ignored the key untapped Central African market.
As a gorilla you can even win the Ladies Primate Wimbledon's tennis title.
