Lee Evans (comedian)
“A talking monkey you say?! Well bugger me, I've seen it all now. Next thing you'll be telling me a monkey will be President of the United States!!! Hahaha.. Oh, wait..”
“I had better point out that previous quote was written at the time of Bush's presidency, not Obama's, so please no 'You RACIST!!' comments. Or lawsuits. Thanks”
“Oscar Wilde quotes on this particular subject are completely unacceptable and racist. Although, by golly! MIGHTILY FUNNY! ”
Testicle 'Lee' Evans (born 25 February 1964) is the world's first ultra funny monkey comedian. He was snatched from the wild at age 5 when it was discovered that he could talk and is now kept locked in a cage in Jonathan Ross's basement, where he is ruthlessly exploited for money and sexual favours. He is only allowed out twice a year when he is forced to perform stand-up comedy gigs in return for bananas, and so he literally has to do this to survive.
Born in the Amazon Jungle in 1705, Evans is the lovechild of Norman Wisdom and King Kong. He was initially unwanted and left to fend for himself but managed to somehow survive until he was snatched by Mr Ross at a young age and the rest is history.
Although a relatively unknown comedian, in a short period of time Evans has achieved fairly modest success. In fact at the peak of his career he was performing to some 30 people at the Clacton-On-Sea working men's club, where he got the occasional laugh and didn't even get booed off until the very end of his set.
This has inspired him to go on and hopefully achieve even greater things in the future, and he hopes soon to perform at bigger venues such as the pub across the street and his Nan's house.
Live At The Apollo
Following Evans' successful sets in pubs and clubs, he moved into comedy on TV. Since he had little experiece of how to crack jokes on TV they decided that he should fill in for ill highly respected comedians on the popular BBC Live show (although I doubt it is live?!) "Live At The Apollo". Eventually after getting a standing ovation when he left the stage after one set, the BBC decided to give him a perminant slot on the show. Thanks to appearing on the show he also managed to get to airtime on Channel Four on that comedy show....you know which one we mean! In 2007 Evans was critised by some reviewer claming that his set was always the same and that he offered nothing new.
In order to milk his success as much as he could, Evan's filmed every set he did and released them on several DVD's. His most famous was his 'Universal Tour' in which he performed all over the universe. His gig on the planet Zigtron to 100,000 ziggys was released on DVD in March 2009.
He has had his first main acting role which doesn't comprimise him acting like a sweaty monkey in the cult TV show CSI: Swansea a role which he has played since the start of the show and will continue to do so until series five which will air between 2010 and 2011. It was announced the he was to leave when his contract ran out but was later revealed that he had been sacked from the series when he rang in claiming to be "ill" so that he could go away and film an easter special of Doctor Who. As he was meant to be filming 500 episodes of CSI:Swansea back-to-back the producers were left with no choice but to sack him and cast someone who will obey their rules. In May 2009 it was announced that the crazy Vic Reeves had been cast to take over Evans role. Evan's will film his final scenes for CSI:Swansea whenever he can be arsed.
He appeared in an episode of Doctor Who for Easter 2009 - no joke!
He is now appearing a lead role in Britannia Mafia a series created by BBC presenter James May, who irony of ironies was stated as two of the actors who was being tipped to replace Evan's on CSI:Swansea.
Evans constantly mentioned in interviews that he would like to break America and get into film roles, although this is not likely to happen unless it is a western where he can sweat like a monkey in the apprent "heat".
He met his wife Betty Swallbag in 1935, two years after they had been married. They made love once, and produced one child, but she was 'very disappointing and a bit of a let-down' and they didn't love her enough to bother giving her a name so as of right now she is simply referred to as 'Untitled'.
Utterly bored of her face after just one year, Evans and his wife decided the best course of action would be to flog her on Ebay. They managed to get a tenner for her which pleased Lee but then disaster struck when he squandered it all down the bookies and won fuck all. What a cunt!!!.
A Typical Performance
Most Lee Evans performances last approximately 2-3 minutes, with him stumbling on stage to unenthusiastic and sympathetic applause, before he headbutts the microphone, mumbles something about how nervous he is and then proceeds to sweat 5 times his body weight until he collapses and has to be revived. That is if he hasn't already been booed off.Poor Lee
On 21st December 2011, In an interview with Pierce Morgan on the Jonathan Ross Show, Lee stated that his favourite comedian was Michael McIntyre and really, he thought his own comedy performances were shit and at one point in his life, he had attempted surgery to make himself look just as chinese as Mr McIntyre. This of course, Failed miserably.
On the 26th December, The whole world (but mainly Essex where all the downsyndrome chavs live) suffered a tragic loss. At 4:06 am, Lee's Good friend and long time pen pal Terry Wogan payed him a visit, only to come across Lee's motionless, naked body. On close examination, there was a banana stuffed up Lee's anus and a Michael McIntyre 'Hello Wembley' DVD covered in semen tucked under his 25 inch penis (the main reason for his ridiculous sweat problem, try keeping that monster under control). In a panic, Terry decided it was best not to call the police and instead, threw Lee in the trunk of his car and drove off a cliff and into the ocean. Neither Terry or Lee's bodies were ever found...apart from when it comes to children in need when convicted paedophile Wogan comes back from the dead for some reason.
'Lee Evans' is actually an anagram of Vaselene, which is strangely appropriate as it is his preferred anal lubricant.
His hobbies include going to the toilet, beating his wife, and driving up the motorway the wrong way.
He is absolutely petrified of Lemon Bon-Bons.
He is as gay as the day is long.
His sweat can be utilised to combat droughts. Unfortunately scientists have yet to discover a way to extract it from his old suits.
He once made a song which was described in Top of The Pops magazine as 'a pile of wank'. It sold a miserable 3 copies and reached no. 4,000,000,000 in the charts.
His favourite meal is a Penis McSandwich, from McDonalds.
It is ironic that despite his first name 'Testicle' - now something of a cruel in-joke among his friends - he doesn't actually have any testicles. As a boy he was playing in a field when he decided to try and show off to his mates by vaulting a barbed-wire fence, but it went disastrously wrong and he was accidentally castrated there and then. This is why his voice is so high-pitched.
It's rumored his tears can cure leprosy, but this is unconfirmed as he has never cried, not even during especially rough anal sex.
Last night for his dinner he had a pie.
Quotes 'n' That
“He's not funnier than me. He can fuck off”
“Yes he is!!!”
“Is it me or does he only appeal to retard chavs and fools? I foresaw his death in a muffin”
“He knows he better perform or else I'll give that monkey one hell of a spanking!!”
“A talking monkey you say?! Well bugger me, I've seen it all now. Next thing you'll be telling me a monkey will.. oh hang about, I've already said this haven't I? What a twat.”
“I want to bum him.”
“I've shat out funnier turds than THAT coz im gay, and I was on the cider the night before.”