Vic Reeves

Victoria always insisted on bathing fully clothed, to preserve her trademark smell of cucumber

“OOOOVAAAVUUUU”

~ Vic Reeves on acid

Lord Vic 'Potato' Reeves (1406-present) is an English comedian who smells of cucumber and likes to stare at foxes in Autumn. Since the BBC axed Shooting suns, he has teamed up with Betty Mortimer for a new show: Unlucky minging losers.

TV Career Stuff

Shooting Blanks

He is best known for his comedy game-show Shooting suns, co-hosted by his brother and part-time sexual slave Bob Mortimer (aka 'Blow-job Bob'). The show got its name because of Vic's unfortunate condition whereby his penis is rendered completely useless and barely visible (Tini-Peni syndrome). So Vic has to instead spend the show rubbing his thighs vigourously over the nearest female (or male) contestant and the winner is the one who brings him to climax first (usually Phill Jupitus).

Other poor fuckers who were forced to endure this perverted spectacle included 50's throwback Mark Lamarr, Will 'plays with him' Self, Johnny 'Belly the size of Las' Vegas and Ulrika-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka Johnsson. After blowing his load, Vic then insisted on telling a painfully piss-poor joke which would inevitably always be followed by complete silence, a howling wind, and a tumbleweed blowing across the set.

Small Night In

Another dismal attempt at entertainment was the pathetic excuse for a show called Vic Reeves' Big Night In, basically a fly-on-the-wall documentary which gave the viewers the delightful treats of Vic tucking into a pizza or Pot Noodle, watching a movie (usually Brokeback Mountain) and then wanking himself to sleep. Obviously it was crap and no-one watched it (apart from everyone in Scotland)

Vic & Bob

After the dismal performance of Big Night In, Reeves and his partner and sex slave Bob Mortimer were given their own comedy sketch series. This was the usual disappointment and the show was eventually axed by the BBC, but led to another shit programme about them - see below.

Vic & Bob get Cataracts

Reeves and Mortimer create cataracts, resulting in the viewers seeing what looks like Reece Shearsmith get attacked with a top-third of a dalek. Chris Palmer's catch phrase is very similar to Andy Pipkin's in Little Britain - "I know!". This TV Series contains: Turkey in a box being shot, ripped George Clooney poster, Penis in a safe, A satsuma on the side of a window, flash backs to a weird childhood, and many more...

Brainiac

To vent his anger for being axed by the BBC Reeves spent two years blowing up microwaves and caravans. The series was based around the show with the same name that had starred Top Gear presenter Richard Hammond. The series drew in many viewers who enjoyed seeing Reeves blowing the shit out of things, as well as when he put on a silly voice when doing so.

There is only so far you can take this formula however and eventually it became tiresome and people hated the voice that he kept putting on. As a result SkyOne were thinking of cutting the show completly but discovered it had well over two viewers and decised to keep the show but cut them down to bit size chunks as so not to waste programming time. Reeves was not happy about this and he left the show to try out other things.

The shows bite size chuncks are usually shown during the advertisments on SkyOne when they are showing a popular show like "24", "Lost" or "Ross Kemp On A Washing Machine" as a way to drum up support for the show so that one day it may return, although Bob Mortimer has started a petition to make sure the series never returns. This petition has well over 6,000,000,000 signatures already.

Vic Reeves Quiz Night

Due to the lukewarm reception from Reeves appearance on Brainiac, ITV1 gave Reeves a chance and got him to present a new late night show called "Vic Reeves Quiz Night" where Reeves would be in a different pub everyweek and host that pubs quiz night. Reeves was paid £600 per episode and had to use the money he was paid for the winnings of the quiz. Although he had to give the money away Reeves commented that he was just happy to be back on TV.

CSI:Swansea

In early 2009; Reeves announced that he was in the running to replace Lee Evans in the lead role for the BBC TV show CSI: Swansea. He along with some other people were also connected to the role, these included: Mr Bean, Richard Hammond, Jeremy Clarkson, James May, Gordon Brown and apprently Roger Moore.

The producers favourite was said to be James May, the Top Gear presenter, however after Robert Croft - the shows new head writer and producer from the fourth series onwards - came home form getting slashed one night he saw Reeves on "Vic Reeves Quiz Night" on ITV and was so pleased with his performance on that show that Croft cast Reeves in the lead role called Chris Palmer.

He will take over from Evans in series five in the episode "In Which We Meet Chris Palmer". When that bloke on GMTV asked Croft why they called the episode that he said "It was the best I could come up with at the time". Reeves casting made other runner James May very angry and Reeves received many death threats from the Top Gear presenter as a result. May has now gone on to star and create a new show for BBC One called Britannia Mafia.

Films

Reeves has stated that when he was at college he appeared in a number of movies that never really did that well. These movies can be seen late night on Channel 4.

It has been recorded on Mr Reeves' IMDB entry that he was the Executive Producer of Les Quatre Cents Coups; however whenever questioned in relation to his involvement denies this emphatically stating that "it's all a fucking fit-up".

Some random questions from Shooting Blanks

Every now and then to keep the show remotely interesting, Vic and Bob would read out some questions and the other contestants would have to guess the answers. Here are some examples:

• True or False: William Shatner's real name is actually Bill Shit (True)

• True or False: Inside every cat there is trapped a rabbit, and when a cat says "miaow", it is actually the rabbit saying "get me out" (True)

• True or False: The World is a spherical shape (False)

• True or False: Super Mario is the current Chancellor of the Exchequer (True)

• True or False: Human Beings need to breathe air to survive (False)

• True or false: Cliff Richard is gay (True)

Early Life

Vic liked to lick curtains with eyes on them.

Vic has recently entered the record books as the first person to be born as a result of anal intercourse. Apparently after a passionate night of bum fun between Graham Norton and Rolf Harris, Vic was conceived from Mr Harris's harris in the early evening. He was originally thought to be a turd and was about to be flushed to his death until Rolf heard a faint, high-pitched scream of 'Please Mr Harris!! Nooooo!!!' and he was rescued.

Unfortunately the pair have regretted that decision ever since as he has now grown up to be a fully-grown turd as well as a pathetic excuse for a human being in general. They have since tried to flush him back down the toilet again in an attempt to kill him once and for all, with little success.

Family

Vic accidentally married Christopher Reeves in 1903 and they had three children, Ovavu, Iranu and Keanu. They currently live in a tent in the middle of the M25 where they are ran over and spat on 24/7.

Facts (probably)

• It is a well-known fact that if you face North-East at the stroke of midnight and shout 'OVAVU' forty times at the top of your lungs in quick succession, you are a fucking idiot.

• Vic likes nothing more than to spend his evenings pouring Golden Grahams onto a shrimp's eye.

• Vic and Bob really wanna see those fingers.

• Bizarrely, Vic and Bob have synchronized toilet habits, and have to visit the lavatory at exactly the same time as each other. Even more bizarrely, the pair always insist on sharing a cubicle.

• Vic single-handedly won the 1974 European Championships, holding a tired-looking Germany to a 1-1 draw in the final before beating them on penalties.

• Loves to make love to the Dove from Above with a glove.

• Vic's hobbies include jumping out of planes without a parachute, collecting the fetuses of aborted children and sucking up crumbs and fluff from the carpet via a straw.

• Bob's hobbies include kicking pregnant women in the stomach, masturbating to the theme tune from The A-Team (in perfect sync), and playing Russian Roulette with a fully-loaded machine gun.

• Vic's testicles are magnetic.

• One of Vic's strange hobbies is taking photographs of dog shit and sending them to a publisher to make into a calendar, which shows a piece of shit for each month of the year. (This really is true)