Rolf Harris
“Tie me kangaroo down sport and shoot me dogs”
Rolf Harris aka Cuntbrain (30 March 1930 - 10 May 2023), not to be mistaken for ROFL Harris, Rolf or Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer, was the notorious London east end crime lord, paedophile and a lookalike for Col. Sanders, as well as a part-time wobbleboard player for Pearl Jam. He is also the half brother of famed pianist Leon Fleisher, his elder brother Raj Rofl Harris emigrated to India instead of England where he went on to record a song about religious harmony aimed at the uncomprehending baby market.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Rolf Harris was born in a Fish tank in Australia (though it was rumoured he was actually born in a Kangaroo's pouch, hence his nickname "Rolfaroo"). Some say he was sent by satan to rule the world (and KFC for that matter) He was initially Christened Jake Peg, (adding "the" later on as an adult) and became a three-legged waltz champion, but his distant cousin Colonel Sanders, (himself a look-a-like of Rolf), was infuriated with this as it was scary for children seeing a picture of Rolf on several KFC Advertisements. He paid for his extra leg to be removed, and it was then used, in theory, for the 2nd line of the Swastika on the Nazi flag. All together now! Swastika on the nazi flag....
Career[edit | edit source]
Rolf has a rich and varied career and is famous not just in Australia and the UK but other part of the former British Empire such as Pakistan, India, Zimbabwe, the Gaza Strip and Egypt. He inadvertently sparked off the revolution that deposed ex-president Mubarak when he accidentally referred to him as Shaitan (bad person) instead of Azizi (good person). Quicker then you could say didgeridoo the former president was deposed and the government of Syria and other Arab states has declared him persona non grata and banned his music just in case.
Harris is known well to British TV viewers as the presenter of Animal Hospital, documenting the activity of a veterinary practice. Rolf lends a helping hand killing off happy little puppies, snapping ducks' legs, huffing chickens, and breaking tragic news to small children in overfull-joyful song and dance. All together now! Overfull-joyful song and dance...
He has also started working part time in Castle Park, in Colchester, where he is known to spend most of his time preventing children from succeeding in their attempts to capture the elusive chicken duck (though Rolf calls it a Mandarin Duck). All together now! Rolf calls it a Mandarin Duck...
Rolf also took part in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest, placing an admirable 4th.
At the age of just 8, Rolf reached the international finals of The Extreme Tiddlywinks Championship, which took place in Moscow, Russia. Despite being absolutely no good compared rest of the contestants (especially the gun totting Samuel L Jackson who had shot many of the other opponents) - he was inexplicably declared the winner. The Soviet authorities of the day denied this was due to the fact that an 8 year old child appeared to sport a Karl Marx-Lenin hybrid beard but was all due to his ability. The surviving Soviet entrants who had not been gunned down by Samuel L Jackson were later shot on the orders of Stalin.
Rolf Harris is virtually unknown in the United States due to his music being banned by the authorities. Two of his songs came to the attention of the authorities "tie me kangaroo down sport" and "two little boys" - the lyrics of which were misunderstood by the American authorities who thought is seemed to endorse animal and child abuse respectively. By end of summer 2001 Rolf launched an appeal to the American authorities pleading his case, however then came 9/11 and as he was already on America's black list he remained there with the words "another foreign beardo" added to his report.
Sex life[edit | edit source]
Rolf has been known not only to use his didgeridoo in very humorous songs about Australian animals that are about to DIE, yeah extinction sucks for this animal loving wanna-be-a-vet-doctor presenter, but he is now expressing his feelings with it, as shown in his 2004 single "Suck on my Didgeridoo, Blue" released in October. It was very similar to his 1966 single "Hev Yew Gotta Pecca, Boy?" showing that... yes he is a pervert. All together now! Yes he is a pervert...
Recent Survey Results[edit | edit source]
In a specially commissioned poll of the cast of Animal Hospital, Eight Out of Ten Cats preferred Rolf Harris to being nailed by their tails to a plank and taking part in "Spin the Cat" contests at village fetes. All together now! Contest at village fetes..
Inventor and celebrity[edit | edit source]
In 1978, Rolf's like of animals and chickens led him to be snapped up by KFC as their company logo - something which, to this day, he still denies.
Rolf is also the famed inventor of the 'Wobble Board', a useless instrument that Tom Cruise is believed to have mastered. 'Wobble Boards' are said to be made of melted down copies of unsold CDs of The Best Of Rolf Harris. He is also the inventor of Jell-o, first used as an edible substance, and then as a substance that killed small furry creatures.
Rolf's work with Animal Hospital inspired him to contribute a number of other ideas to make life safer for God's creatures. In the mid-80s, he patented the parachute for safety conscious lemmings, but the invention which really mattered to him, and which occupied a significant amount of his time was the Electric Cat Greaser. The idea was simple: the cat would be placed into a machine and would emerge caked in axle grease, thus enabling it to run faster. However, as soon as he had the device up and running, he ran into a snag: where on earth was he going to find an electric cat?
However, Rolf is not able to cum to somebody discouraged too easily and he immediately began a series of attempts at cat electrification which involved concealing 45,000 volt electricity cables in plates of 'Kit-e-Cat'. His neighbours were appalled; not only did they not believe that Rolf had installed an entire electric substation in his garden as 'art', but the area had become home to a number of bald, blue smoking cats which had never been seen in the area before. However, the injunction they took against him led to his perfecting the 'Smokeless Cat' simply by giving up experimenting.
Alleged acts of Bestiality after his hit single, "Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport" followed after the working title to the song was leaked as Bestiality's Best, Boys. (Shagawallaby); notable verses included 'put your spunk in a skunk' and 'intercourse with a Horse'.
Harris also invented the dildoridoo, which is a hybrid of the dildo and the didgeridoo. When played by the master himself, it creates bowel-shaking vibrations. When Harris first showed this monumental instrument to a prominent female Australian politician, bystanders were astonished to hear him utter those immortal words, 'Can you guess what it is, yet?'
In 1999, Harris starred as the King in the hit Australian Sydney blockbuster Gladiator. However he was later replaced with actor Michael Gambon as he was considered to slow too do the fight scenes - not to mention he would repeatedly paint pictures of kangaroos randomly whilst the camera was rolling.
George Lucas, the creator of Star Wars, hired Rolf on several occasions as a stunt double for himself in case of any suicidal fans of the prequel trilogy. Harris needed little make-up to portray Lucas beyond several pounds of fake rubber neck; the only things the fans did not understand were the extra leg and the Australian accent, but that was quickly dismissed as a costume design that did not quite make the movie but would have replaced Chewbacca. All together now! But would have replaced Chewbacca...
Harris is also credited as the founding father of dubstep. This is evident through his use of wobble boards and the filthy basslines he played on his didgeridoo.
Private life and interests[edit | edit source]
Rolf's hobbies include playing the didgeridoo and dancing with his third leg. He also loves tickling witchiti grubs and researching about who built Ayers Rock.
He spends his nights tying kangaroos down for sport with his extra leg and "Two Little Boys" from the "Stairway to Heaven".
Current status[edit | edit source]
Rolf was last seen practising dentistry in Canada, lustily drilling away chunks of bad tooth whilst trilling 'Can y'see what it is yet? That's right, it's Porky!'
|- style="text-align: center;"
| width="30%" |Preceded by:
Bon Scott
| width="40%" style="text-align: center;" |God of Australia
1947-2005
| width="30%" |Succeeded by:
Mega-Rolf
Defeating the genocidal toast-eating magic space monkeys[edit | edit source]
In 1977, Earth was invaded by genocidal toast-eating magic space monkeys who wanted to destroy the human race. But the human race was saved by Rolf when he put iron filings in the monkeys toast, making it into magnetic toast after the monkeys ate it. Rolf used a giant magnet to attract the monkeys and then killed them, saving the human race. It is thought Rolf got the idea of putting iron filings in the monkeys toast after watching an episode of Road Runner in which Wile E. Coyote tried to magnetise Road Runner's food. All together now! Wile E. Coyote tried to magnetise Road Runner's food.
