New South Wales

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Flag of New South Wales

“At least, it isn't New Jersey. That place is shit.”

~ Rupert Murdoch on Almost-new South Wales

“A wonderful place to live”

~ Kaye Chapman on Queanbeyan

“It is alright during the day.”

~ Tony Abbott on New South Wales

“That's where I hail, mates! Get it? You're one cool Aussie!”

~ Marvin the Hyena on New South Wales

New South Wales is the biggest shit hole in Australia, lying directly south of Cardiff, near Dorset, in old Wales. Known for the production of whales, who are named after the state. On a side note, the residents of New South Wales are just as hard to understand as people from Old Wales, and they often slip into speaking in New South Welsh.

New South Wales is also called Sydney, as there is nowhere hospitable in the state apart from this stunning metropolis. There are rumours of settlers along the north and south coasts, as well as a small colony in the "blue mountains", that was set up in the 1980s tourist boom. However,extensive exploration has all but proven these theories to be false.

NSW actually stands for Newcastle, Sydney, Wollongong (but don't tell them that).

The premier of New South Wales is Aung San Suu Kyi Gladys Berejiklian.

Major cities[edit | edit source]

Newcastle is one of the most recently finished achievements of Gothic architecture in the world, hence the name. Strictly speaking, it is nothing like a castle - more like a well-planned awsome flower when viewed from above, and like a set of dandelions in side view. Currently it is populated by two Non-Aboriginal Tribes, the Lake Macquarians (who live in Lake Macquarie, the largest perennial lake in the Southern Hemisphere) and the Novocastrians (of Newcastle City, the only city in NSW whose tribal government is too awsome to work out how much 2343.499954304 is). The two tribes are constapated violently, the traditional weapons (toothpicks for spears and extra-soft paper tissues for shields) are used for rectum cleaning. Glenrock SCA suffers much from being eroded by the traditional breed of war-horses (motorbikes) and from all the warriors of one constantly emptying Glenrock Lagoon by mass-drinking from it and then refilling it by masses of aeroplane jelly - a constant source of punishment for the other tribe when they get thirsty. Other environmental problems in Glenrock include uncontrollable expansion of lush, green cucumbers due to a statewide deficiency in vegetable exterminators. Recent analysis shows that Lake Macquarians are starting to evolve a 3rd testicle (which is useful, since they live in an orgy), and that each successive tribal leader of the Novocastrians has a very slightly larger testicle somewhat similar to that of a Blue Whale. Newcastle is perhaps the only city in Australia without toilet, since both the tribal leaders claim that one of those would be detrimental to the city's soil quality.

Bondi[edit | edit source]

Bondi is the capital of NSW. Anyone with any sense in Bondi (pronounced, for the septics, bun-dee) moved out of there years ago. Because of this, Bondi is now only home to pretend-poofs and various other minor television celebrities the colour of old teak tables. It is a requirement for any 'good sort' (female) who wants to live in Bondi to let Luke Ricketson root them. For males it is considered a very high honour for Luke Ricketson to root their female. For any Males who don't know who this is, it was once a requirement to leave Bondi immediately, but because of errors in bureaucratic procedure (the Governor was drunk and forgot to sign the bill renewing this ancient law) it now only applies to Clovelly and parts of Bronte.

The only real entertainment in the city of Bondi now is the daily ritual drowning of new arrivals who step off the airplane (the airport is at Queens Park in nearby Randwick, which by its proximity is also responsible for the unsightly pommy infestation at Coogee) and cross the road only to drown in the Bondi kiddie pool by the dozen each day while trying to take photographs of the Sydney Oprah House. This kiddie pool is otherwise known as 'Icebergs' because all its members have no balls, which is apparently, some sort of kink among men with more hair on their backs than their heads. Russell Fucking Crowe is sometimes seen there despite the fact he's a mangy vermin-loving cunt and should therefore fuck off to his smack-dealer mates in Maroubra, or throw himself off Ben Buckler. This is not a type of homosexual position but actually a gigantic shopping centre or 'Mall' that occupies the entire northern end of the city.

Woy Woy[edit | edit source]

Also known as "New Purgatory", Woy Woy is a community, where people go to die. Dante described Woy Woy in his "Divine Comedy" depressing. If you get old, you might up here. The best way to avoid this terrifying reality is to jump off a skyscraper or overdose on kitten huffing.

SCONE[edit | edit source]

Scone is a town, and is mostly populated by stupid Rednecks, which is a myth perpetrated by the Muswellbrook Shire Council to ensure that the truth never comes out. That is, that Muswellbrook is the town full of rednecks. They sort of peter out once you get towards Aberdeen.

Lismore[edit | edit source]

Lismore was the product of a massive accident where some deadshits built a town in a hole that floods every time someone takes a piss. This town is home to the most stupid, unintelligent speedway loving rednecks you will ever meet. It is located INLAND Northern New South Wales. The town has a major problem with aboriginals and other types of outcasts. Many people living within this town grow up to be nobody's and generally work in the corner store or dominoes pizza for their life. People have practically 0% chance of anything good happening in their life. The people are often considered to be dirty scungey people who's favourite past time is rolling in mud and eating lightbulbs.

Nimbin[edit | edit source]

Nimbin the most drugged up hippie town on the planet. Even the ducks are on pot. The people who built the town had been smoking bongs since they were 3, so all the buildings are fluro yellow with flowers all over them. At school children are taught to roll a joint, make a bong from any old shit they can find and grow their own weed. When people are not smoking (rarely) they are busy fucking everything they can get their dicks into.

Tamworth[edit | edit source]

The Golden Guitar during The Hoff Era.

Tamworth (Formerly Tim Tam-worth) was founded in 1799 by a ancient race of Japanese Tourists. It grew to a mega-city thousands of years ahead of it's time, but a dumb Monkey peed on the computer in 1812. It was re-founded in 1818 by a bunch of people who were pioneer bogans. In 1950 the town went into debt so they chopped the Mayor's head off, he died in 1993 after being hit by a car. From 1989 - 1991 Tamworth was ruled by David Hasselhoff, he then left to find a better job. Today, the town is going well, but the Golden Guitar has been rumored to be a real Guitar, the town would do a LOT better if the Guitar was real. By the way, it is also the Country Music Capital of Australia, WHY????!!!!! Probably because Australia Country Music is an embarrasment, and no other place in Australia would want to own it.

Queanbeyan[edit | edit source]

Queanbeyan is a small town on the outskirts of Canberra which fortunately for Australian Capital Territorians is officially located in New South Wales, making it New South Wales' problem. Also known as "Hell on Earth", and "That Craphole", Queanbeyan is home to many of the ugliest bogans on earth, including Jack Thompson, and the Phantom of the Opera. Built in 1278 by a bunch of escaped convicts, it was originally named Happyville. This was changed in 1902 after everyone realised just how unhappy they were that they were not even smart enough to live in Tuggeranong. To put in perspective how bad Queanbeyan is, people drive via Perth and Townsville to avoid it. Fortunately, there is one part of it called Jerrabomberra. Think of it like a better version of Gungahlin.

Queanbeyan today

Queanbeyan is is a part of the East Fyshwick slate Formation and is located 5.4 kilometers below sea level. It was estimated that Queanbeyan collapsed under its own weight around the end of the first ice age. It continues to sink at a rate of 600 meters a year and despite desperate attempts made to save it, it was estimated that Queanbeyan would completely disappear by 2050. Queanbeyan is known as the Home Of Landfilling Excellence (abbreviated HOLE)due to the native bogans stealing dirt and trash from neighbouring areas. The Queanbeyan city council received the landfiller's choice award in 2009 and it is still what they talk about everyday. Queanbeyan has the worlds largest supply of petrol, unfortunately the locals sniff it all up. Recently BP has made an offer to buy Queanbeyan and put the hole to good use. However, this offer was rudely rejected by a local wogster (to Canberra's dismay). He argued that it would put an end to Queanbeyan's 'legendary' culture and disturb the harmonious livelihood of the local people(as if they ever had any). He added that the relocation of Queanbeyan would permanently damage the tourism industry there.

Local teenagers are also infamous for involvement in shenanigans and can also be referred to as "those horrible teeneagers who hang around at the shops all the time...those little f$#@" as they are affectionally known by much of the older, pole-arsed, middle aged fags. These fags are also responsible for blocking the opening of the youth centre because they are the original convicts. Jerrabomberra is also known as sim city, or higher Queanbeyan. Canberra often teases them about the state of the city despite the fact their streets are littered with prositition and drug addicts and over aggresive fat kids. Queanbeyan has a surprisingly high occurance of Rangas and genetic experts suggest that this is because of there are only 4 and a quater genes in the increasingly inbred municiple.

Although Jerrabomberra is home to the sluttiest skanks ever seen on this plant, they still seem to think that they are better then everyone else. also the crime rate in Jerrabomberra is almost triple of other Queanbeyan places like Karabar. And again Queanbeyan has more mansions per capita than anyone in the ACT but sadly they are situated in a hole and the only reason their there is because rich people on there way to canberra fell down there. Local celebs include:

Coffs Harbour[edit | edit source]

Coffs Habour is a stunningly beautiful town on the Southern Coast of the Northern District of New South Wales. It is home to what is possibly the worst object ever created out of chicken wire and paper mache, the Big Banananananananananananananaorama.

Cessnock Cessnock is considered to be the Capital of Wine Country of NSW, in which Sydney siders come for the weekend, drink fermented grapes and whine about their life. Once a thriving nudist town, Cessnock is now known for it's lack of genetic diversity among the population.

Windale A suburb of Newcastle, Windale became the site of the greatest humanitarian disaster in history when Hurricane Shaza and an earthqauke struck in the early hours of Friday. The Hurricane and Earthquake caused $30.00 worth of damage, and the Australian Red Cross and other humanitarian aid agencies rushed to their aid, shipping 30,000 crates of Bacardi Breezers when it became evident that the local grog shop may not open for 15 minutes. Three areas of burnt out cars, of historic value were destroyed, causing the residents to say "farkinhell". Deliveries of centrelink cheques were with held for 3 minutes, causing a financial disaster to the town.

The locals set about rebuilding the population immediately, fucking anything that did not move, including the women. This has led to a large volume of child support claims, with mothers unable to determine which 10 men fathered their 3 children.

Muswellbrook Once a thriving ghost town, Muswellbrook is now a hole largely due to mine subsidence. Muswellbrook is a speedbump on the Great New England Potholeway, with many people choosing not to stop. It is adviseable to drive carefully as Muswellbrook has the worst roads in the state - every street a winner - potholes, cracks, uneven surface with random holes and bumps. Muswellbrook boasts a multi million dollar library, but no money is spent to fix the roads. One doctors surgery in town means a 6 week wait to see a very rude doctor. The local population consists largely of redneck cowboy wannabes, driving around in utes with 500 CB antennas and 300 spot lights on the front who attend ute musters, bns balls and rodeo events.

Cootamundra[edit | edit source]

They brag about how much unspoiled streets they have but they have the biggest fag problem in the world.

Broulee[edit | edit source]

Famous for Broulee Beach, holiday rentals, and having nothing fucking else.

Other cities[edit | edit source]

  • Dareton
  • Jilliby, New South Wales
  • Kirribily House

War[edit | edit source]

New South Wales recently annex the neighbouring state of New Hampshire because of the overwhelming numbers of pansy men in the state.

See also[edit | edit source]