Fast Animals Slow Children

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The actor who used to voice Family Guy's Brian Griffin was an early contestant on Fox's new reality show.

Fast Animals Slow Children was originally introduced as a minor five-second joke on the TV show Family Guy. But like many other successful shows which came from one-time appearances ("The Tracy Ullman Show", "The Honeymooners", "CSI Jamaica:Jah Man!") the FOX network, always looking for the easy money and the self-deluded viewer, decided to make “Fast Animals Slow Children” into the real thing.

Factoid: The pilot episode was strung together entirely from previously unusable "Jack Hanna Presents: Special-Ed Kids Can't Hunt" footage.

Fast Animals Slow Children’s premise is rather simple: Release an obese child into a wild jungle full of fast, hungry animals. Watch how the animals catch the fatty. Intersperse the tense moments with highly-profitable commercials. Watch the animals devour the tender vittles with extreme pleasure. At the conclusion, show a preview of next weeks episode. Keep the cameras rolling as the animals eat the youngsters for sale to the internet fetish market.

Main Casting[edit]

The Main Fats Cast

The first cast, those who made it into the show (but never made it out), were:

  • 18 morbidly obese kids from the USA (where else would you get that many fat kids? The United Arab Emirates?)
  • 10 overweight boys (from other parts of the world)
  • One anorexic boy, so that the fat kids could trash and punk him before being eaten.


One of the Lions catches an obese teen, and is shown playing with his prey before dining.

The show began airing in 2004 with a two-hour premiere, but due to the fact that most contestants got eaten in the first hour by hungry lions , tigers and wolves, the ratings for the second hour of the first episode dropped considerably. The Network consultants quickly figured out that the sadistic masses who watch TV only desire to see bloodshed, bloodbaths, and boobs.

Due to this, and to build an audience of loyal viewers, the network decided to include a new cast every episode, to keep the bloodshed and ear-shattering screams of pain and desperation going weekly.

The show was also deemed by the United States Department of Health and Human Services to be an effective measure to fight childhood obesity, and the U.S. government is considering gathering all the nation's fat boys into the show to help reduce the nation's obesity epidemic. FOX is, of course, lobbying for this action, and has already booked Central Park in New York and the Coliseum in Rome as two of the venues for this anticipated special.

Complaints about cruelty and harsh treatment[edit]

Cannibals starred in season two. Since cannibals are considered animals by humans, the title remained the same

After the first several episodes, due to the large amounts of fatty meat being consumed by the animals, some had heart failure while others just got obese themselves and could no longer outrun their prey. Many social and wildlife protection groups, such as Greenpeace and PETA, have protested against the show, accusing it of being a vile source of entertainment because of its torturing of animals by overfeeding. So during season two FOX introduced Hannibal Lecter to the show, along with some other fine young cannibals.

Other groups also protested the show's use of fat children. They claimed that it was a complete waste feeding dumb animals with such large amounts of meat, when the meat of those fatties could be used to feed the entire third-world. To hush these complains, FOX donated 300 American obese children to African communities, where they were slaughtered and cooked during a FOX live special entitled "We feed the world, we feed them children".


Season 1: Hungry Animals never had it easier.[edit]

Lions converge on one fatty and share with smaller lions.
An example of the chase. Run, boy, run!

The first season is considered by many to be a landmark in television history due to the novelty value, realistic blood letting, and exciting chases (though very short, as fatties are slow, and never get too far). The show was also praised for its educative value, as animal habits and preferences are showcased throughout. For example, it was seen that, given the choice, lions prefer morbidly obese teen’s meat, while wolves prefer young chubby children flesh, as it’s easier to hunt and kill.

Still, after 10 episodes, the show lost some ratings, as the animals, slowed by this fatty diet, began to get too slow or to die off too quickly. To try to keep up the bloodshed, FOX Producers introduced the idea of tying-up the fatties to a plate, placing an apple in their mouths, and allowing the now-overweight animals to eat without chasing. The idea was not very well accepted, but only due to the fact that with the apple stuffed in their mouths the youngsters were unable to emit ear-shattering screams of pain while being eaten, thus reduced the show's attractiveness.

Trying to improve this, FOX producers promised the inclusion of a new deadly and vile animal for next season: Cannibals.

Animals returned to eat what belongs to them.

Season 2: God bless the chef[edit]

The cannibals prepare the feast.

The season that the production company moved its location to a small cannibal village, and instead of having several fat kids running for their lives in each episode, only one grossly obese kid or teen was shown. Such a big prey could feed the entire cannibal village, and this generated much criticism, as fans claimed that no serious TV show can have only one death per episode. Others claimed that it was much better to have one death per show, as more bloody details of the killing were shown, such as the slaughtering, opening and serving of the chubbies, with close-ups of the entrails and slow motion filming of the deribbings.

Season 3: Fast Animals Revenge[edit]

To everyone’s surprise, during season three's two-hour premiere, Fast Animals featured in the first season (such as Lions, Tigers, Wolves, and the like) returned to chase fatties. This took ratings thru the roof again.

An example of the new dynamic of the show

To keep the show fresh, every now and then FOX Producers would broadcast an episode in which a group of different fat kids where taken to a slaughterhouse, and their meat was later packed up. Then documentarists would take this meat to places where world hunger was worst, ending their suffering by giving them this freshly killed food.

Season 4: Slow Children’s Revenge[edit]

By the fourth Season the fat animals were getting rather slow and out of shape themselves, and producers decided to introduce a very dangerous species to the game: Really hungry slow children. These fatties rapidly did not only devour other fat contestants, but also, ate several of the so called fast animals. Due to this, the newly introduced hungry kids got fatter and slower, and, rapidly, decided to move in herds, as the fast animals quickly fled at the presence of so many fatties. Still, when one of these fatties separated from the main group, packs of still coordinated animals hunted down to eat the flesh-full fatty.


The unreleased "secret" season was the biggest mistake in reality TV history. Although no one knows for sure what really happened, video shows that one of the fatties became so hungry on the trip over to the island that he ended

A perfect contestant!

up eating all of the contestants and the camera men and pilots. An elite team of fat-kid- hunters tracked down the round monster, and removed him for the island for the sake of the wildlife. He was relocated to a small town in southern Ontario Canada, and although this beast is under constant watch, there is still a large fear that it will strike again.

The unreleased season was supposed to be kept a secret, but FOX decided to air it just for the hell of it. The ratings were the highest in televison history, easily surpassing the ratings for the Superbowls, Olympics, and that one time CBS inadvertedly aired Debbie Does Dallas.

Want to be a part of the program?[edit]

It’s rather easy, actually. You only have to be between fetus-to-18 years old, be as fat as a sumo wrestler, and be slow running, walking, or of any movement whatsoever. You should also be willing to bathe yourself in spicy sauce before filming, (which makes the flesh tastier to the wild animals and attracts them faster, too), and, as the obese epidemic must be eradicated from the USA, be American.

NOTE: If you do fulfill these requirements, but you don’t want to participate, be advised, that you may be dragged into the show anyway, and be placed on the jungle with hungry animals so they can feast on your flesh. If you really, really don’t want to die, stop the nonstop hand-to-mouth habit and go and exercise, fatty!

DVD Collection[edit]

Fox sales of Fast Animals Slow Children DVDs has broken sales records formally held by "Girls Gone Wild".

Spin offs[edit]

A FOX spin-off
Yet another Spin-off

Fast Fish Slow Children[edit]

FOX's interest in keeping people entertained has forced producers to produce new shows with a similar premise. One spin-off will be released soon: “Fast Fish Slow Children”, which is basically the same stupid thing, only in water.

Casting has already begun, and calls for any child or teen who resembles a walrus or a manatee (fast hungry sharks will recognize the shapes, and attack quickly). Another requirement is that the body fat of the contestants should be higher than 40%, guaranteeing slow speeds and assuring aquatic bloodshed of epic proportions.

Fast Dinosaurs Slow Children[edit]

FOX executives have paid two genetic scientists to recreate a few dinosaurs to star in another spin-off, “Fast Dinosaurs Slow Children”. This show is expected to pick up a large science fiction audience as well.

See Also[edit]