Brisbane City

Just a typical Brisbane City day - Spongebob Squarepants

Brisbane, the main part of Brisneyville is a Sydney-wanna-be, ticking all the boxes in respect to being (sort of) close to the coast and having a whacking great ugly bridge. Unfortunately what it lacks is any sort of real purpose, unlike Sydney, which is host to Australia's organised crime.The city (if you can call it that) is the domain of the Brisbane City Council (aka the Imperial Death Comittee). Brisbane is also home to resident god Bluey.

History

Brisbane popped into existence some 4.5x10^91 years ago, when Queen Elizabeth II decided she needed somewhere to dump her dead corgis, or the tabloid magazines would find out. Personally slaughtering everyone who already lived in the area using an early form of the AK-47 and a Tsar bomb that had been left in the attic of Buckingham Palace for as long as anyone could remember, the Queen decreed the rubble as the city of Brisneyland, or Brisneytown, or something similar to that, as she couldn't remember the name of her 4,355,721st corgi, which had been called Brissybarn.  Constructed by enslaved Kiwis, the town is a major hotspot for nothing.

The first Supreme Mayor of the Brisbane City Council was decreed as Senator Palpatine, the sweetest person anyone could think of. With that mess sorted, the Queen went back to England, and started to send shipments of dead corgis monthly, which became known as "the First Fleet". About 2.4 milliseconds after Lizzy's departure, Palpatine screamed something along the lines of "UNLIMITED POWERRRRRRR", and declared himself the Intergalactic Emperor. No-one had any objections. It was at this point the council realised they needed more than dust to rule, so using a jar of peanut butter and thirteen paperclips, managed to seduce/enslave the neighbouring Kiwis into building a city from nothing but the ever-growing pile of corgi corpses. Miraculously, the city was finished within a day, which managed to create the saying "Rome wasn't built in a day, but that's because they didn't have Kiwis."

The enslaved Kiwis, building Brisbane.

The council then proceeded to declare war on everybody in the phonebook, sending out fleets of Brisbane City Council busses, which were the terror of the western spiral of the Milky Way for the better part of the Jurassic period. It is believed the unbelievable success of these busses was the inevitable fear of being late, given they never turned up to battle on time, keeping all enemies on their toes.

The armies of Brisneytown rolled ever onward, marching into the neighbouring dungheaps called Ipswich and Logan. Using Dora's "Map" the council decided the best course of action was to avoid Sydneytown, given they weren't big fans of sailboats or opera, and the big building in the middle of Sydney was a combination of the two, and therefore a point of contention.

Geography

Brisbane for about 10 or so months of the year.

Brisbane is located on a muddy brown river somewhere in the south of Queensland. Given it was intended as a dumping ground for dead corgis, the terrain of the land wasn't exactly on the top of Lizzy's mind when she chose a site. It was more of a random pick from what her pretty boy James Cook had stumbled across while going on a sail. When she was about to make up her mind, God appeared in a flash of light, and warned her that it was a terrible spot. But everyone knows the saying goes "God save the Queen" and not "God save God" or "Queen save the God", so Lizzy promptly told God to get lost and shot him with a Glock pistol she had lying in her handbag. With divine intervention dealt with, she ordered that the spot be chosen. Given that Liz knew nothing about the direction to the bathroom, let alone geography, the site she founded the city on was a watery, abysmal floodplane that was destined to become 3/4 sea and 1/4 swamp every eight months. The only spot in the place that might be safe from the croc/shark/tarantula/polar bear infested water would be Mount Coot-tha, which by any standards is only a somewhat mediocre hill, so logically that part of the city was largely ignored, with all forms of development being built underwater. If Brisbane couldn't be the new Sydney, perhaps it could be the new Atlantis/Port Royale (i.e. other large watery disappointment) The city borders Moreton Bay, and across from it Moreton Island and a bunch of other little clumps of sand that somehow stop Tsunamis, but couldnt stop Cyc. ALFRED.

Things to do in Brisneytown

Visit South Bank

In a desperate bid to get anyone's attention at all, the Council decided to destroy the city's industrial district (basically anything that made it worth any monetary value), and replace it with a fake beach and a million tourist-trap style shops. The Itsatoura mission (not to be confused with the Iwakura Mission) was basically a bunch of Brisbanites sent by the council to visit Las Vegas, gamble a shit-ton of money, get real drunk, then come back and report. Doing what the city does best - cultural appropriation - Brisbane was given the nickname 'BrisVegas', a dumb name for an even dumber concept. It failed miserably, with the one casino set up - the Star, constantly going into debt and under anti-corruption/criminal investigations, after pouring trillions into a building that took longer to construct than the Sagrada Familia. Within less than five minutes, the only part of the building worth visiting (by a small margin) - the Skydeck was destroyed. The dissapointing 2 metres of glass that stretched over the highway was promptly broken by the premier dropping his 17 ballpoint pens he was trying to juggle. The premier survived the breakage, but six other staffers weren't so lucky. The museum - a constant reminder of what a bad idea 80s architecture was (even though it seemed like a good idea at the time) holds a huge collection of taxidermied animals and about 30 rocks, as well as a souvenir shop that spits out collector coins that are probably truly a scam.

Go shopping

Macca's - the pride of Brisbane

On second thought, don't. There are only three shopping centres - Queen's Mall, Indro shops and Garden City. Queen's Mall is full of homeless eshays who got kicked out of home for vaping. Indooroopilly has an inpronouncable name (forget trying to spell it) and is inhabited by the students of the surrounding high schools (Brigidine, Ambrose Treacy, St Peter's, Kenmore State High and Indooroopilly State High). If you go, you will almost certainly get murdered by the teenagers in the food court as they scramble to the Maccas line. Garden City might be a nice place to engage in capitalistic rituals, however its further away than Logan, mate - so effectively off the edge of the world.

Play Some Sport

Brisbanites are avid followers of the national religion of Krikkit. This ritual, first created in England is practiced with verve in the holy ground called "The Gabba". It involves two teams of priests, dressed all in white, tossing a sacred orb at a "Wicket" which shall be defended with a big stick. Brisbane worships these priests, and the citizens pour in money into the religion which is why the city is almost always broke. The other arena is "Sun-Corp Stadium", the home of sun rituals where teams generally play football, then get murdered by the home team fan club, given the home team gets destroyed by just about anyone and anything. If you are an away team fan, you can sit in the far corner of the stadium (as is tradition), and jump up and down and play some tribal drums to egg on the sacrifice.

Die

The Government Building

This is really very very easy to do in Briz, given everywhere you go, you have a 230% chance of being murdered. The most common cause of death is falling politicians from the top of the Government Building after being kicked by the Premier. This is followed by falling into the river, and waiting for a bus that is always at least 32 years, 4 months, 2 weeks, 1 day, 9 hours, 16 minutes and 48 seconds late (provided traffic is good).

Education

There are four types of learning centers in Brisbane - discounting the reeducation camps designed to tell you that CORGIS ARE GOOD AND DEAD ONES ARE BETTER.

State Schools

The first falls under the category of 'state schools' which means they are given $5.32 a year by the state Government. As to be expected, with the price of bread being several million dollars a loaf, $5 won't get you very far, so the state schools extort their students for every last cent they have (despite claiming COMMUNISM free education). There are a handful of state schools such as

• Brissy State High: The City's school, with a horrible colour scheme
• Indro: Brissy wannabe, except without any uniform. Might declare independence and setup a socialist republic if not given free merch every now and then.
• Kenmore: DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS GALORE - run by a man named Herr Jell (True story)
• Corinda: Generally Forgotten, aka CALI School
• Marsden: Basically a prison - 50000 students there
• Centenary: Ur gonna get shanked bruh, the eshays are comin' bruh.
• Brisbane South State Secondary College: BSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSC. Owns a football field 83 kilometres away from where the school actually is - right next to the Boggo Road Jail (for convenient school haunting/student executions)
• Kelvin Grove: They call themselves a college, but helll nahh. Some hot guys but my ex's ex's ex went there so they should all be massacred.
• Milpera:它不知道英文. 专门为自闭症和行为不端儿童开设的学校，其中大多数是穆斯林和越南人

And several others that nobody actually remembers

Queensland Academies

Basically State Schools, but all pompy and prestigious, for people who think they're too good for what the public can offer but can't afford anything on the Corgi Factory wages they get.

• QASMT: Spends all their time calculating the value of pi - so far they've decided that 62.4412 was a good starting place, which lost them any friends they had (who argued it was 992.877112)
• QACI: Supposed to be for Arts but spends all their time forcing their students SLAVES to make ads to steal students from everywhere else.

These schools follow the religious doctrine of IB, or Insane Beeswaxism, founded to question important debates, like whether heads or tails is the legitimate side of a coin, and which one of those should be punished on occurance by slow torture at Guantanamo Bay followed by beheading. This cult is known to have caused one of the two planes that hit the towers. Some state schools also have sects of Insane Beeswaxism, but are often persecuted by their fellow students for their insanity.

Private Schools

Private Schools - after the state school students got to them

The cream of the crop for pedophiles, parents are forced to sell multiple organs and take out massive loans for approximately 5 days of tuition. These schools seriously have a superiority complex, and often hate each other for no reason except for the colour of their uniforms. Brissy, Indro and the Academies all pretend to be private schools.

• Ambrose Treacy: Basically a stone building in the middle of a swamp. Key highlight is a statue of Edmund Rice
• Brigidine: Ambrose Treacy, but smaller, and for girls. Traffic nightmare 101, with a death rate of 3 girls an hour.
• St Peters: The Reds and Whites - a uniform of these colours, and fight internally like the factions of the same name in the Russian Civil War.
• All Hallows: A cult carefully balanced on a building that sits on the edge of a cliff. Great job architects.
• Terrace: Where the premiers are hatched.
• St Aiden's: Rip off of All Hallows - but less traffic
• Somerville House: Next to the hospital, so good for all those school shooters with a moral conscience. Easy target too, given their uniform is sponsored by LIME scooters.
• Northside Christian College: Way out there, nobody pays too much attention to it.
• The Grammars: Will correct your spelling but not your addictions
• BBC: Interpret at will, but recently got Diddy charges for sus snaps
• Nudgee College: Nowhere actually near the real Nudgee, defined purely by their sheer hatred of Terrace, who they originally were an offshoot of.
• Good News Lutheran: Run by a powerhungry man by the name of ADAM. Has an insect based mascot designed to traumatise kids.

Universities

The institutions designed to actually get people jobs. Failing miserably and overcharging by a margin of two million percent (not including tax)

• UQ: The big, fancy one that takes up a whole suburb and has its own postcode. It really isnt hard to get lost there. Also doesn't actually teach you something but because they got to the copyright first they look the most prestigious. Must have taken a leaf out of the Private School's book.
• QUT: The university for "The real world" - ie not the Matrix. Wake people and take the red pill. THE GOVERNMENT IS HIDING THE TRUTH FROM YOUUUIOP_+{}|789+
  

  QUT's mascot
• Griffith: Falling behind the other major universities - only getting subsidies because the government likes their staircase with a pride flag.
• USQ: Fake UQ. Not even close with their scamming abilities. Lost the coin toss to get the title 'University of Queensland', and are running from the IB nuts who have declared their side of the coin the punishable one.

Transport

Naturally you might wish to get around the place, given standing still will almost result in certain death. There are a few ways to do this, but do so at your own peril. Most forms of transport requires a magical ticket called a GO Card. They charge you random amounts of money depending on what colour card you have, but its always 50 cents these days.

Bus

A Brisbane City Council Bus - business as normal

The common Bus (Bussus Bussius) is quite a normal sight around the streets of Brisbane, provided they haven't flooded. Their most major downfall however, is the fact that they will never never ever turn up when you want them too. The Brisbane City Council ensures that all bus drivers have watches that are set back at least 4 hours, and calendars from 1929. It is a common occurance that a citizen waiting for a bus will die of old age - not dissimilar to what occurred in Indiana Jones. There are only 3 out seven hundred busses that have a decent seat, and there is often a bloodbath fighting for these prized vehicles. It is worth noting these vehicles were once used as a weapon of mass destruction, and therefore should be held at arms length.

Train

Basically a free trip into the river because they just can't seem to stay on the rails. Trains tend to change to express every three or so minutes, so will likely send you to the edge of the world, or worse, Ipswich. There might be some merit, because they do turn up on time, but are always taken over by the students on their daily pilgrimage to school.

Car

BAD FOR CLIMATE CHANGE, MINUS 100000000000000000000 social credit. If you can drive one (getting a license isn't that hard - if you can survive the Department of Main Roads and Transport.) you will have to pay twice your average income to afford the registration fees. Toll bridges and tunnels are run by loan sharks who charge 143% compounding interest on the $50 charge every second you don't pay (the bill only comes in the mail three weeks afterwards).

Plane

It's possible to do this, however, you'll have to find someway to get to the airport, which is near Moreton Bay. Once you are at the airport, many do not return, given they realise that they are only a short flight booking to freedom and paradise (basically anywhere else)

Missiles

Ordered from North Korea, the missile is the fastest way to move about. Simply hop on one, go through the launch sequence and arrive dead on time in a fiery nuclear explosion. This is a tradition celebrating Lizzy's nuclear cleansing, and many citizens enjoy partaking in this ritual.

Bikes

The very passionate believers in the greens movement advocate this at all costs. If you take Mathematical Methods, you will be force to write a PSMT on the subject, planning a bike path out of trigonometric functions. The econuts who love this stuff are the sort of villains not even Marvel can create.

Walking

Strongly advised against. You will very likely die from the eshay infestation, or the falling politicians. Also, according to the Criminal Code Act 1899 (Qld), you will get arrested, molested and incested for 7 years as a punishment for walking. This is by supreme decree of Lizzy 2

City Cat

The electronic boats that travel the Brown Snake. Kinda like Venice's gondolas, but infinitely less romantic. There are City Cats named after the city's patron saints Bluey and Bingo.

Economy

Non-existant. Except for the sale of the Kiwi slaves, and the production of beer from dead corgis.