Brisbane City
Brisbane, the main part of Brisneyville is a Sydney-wanna-be, ticking all the boxes in respect to being (sort of) close to the coast and having a whacking great ugly bridge. Unfortunately what it lacks is any sort of real purpose, unlike Sydney, which is host to Australia's organised crime.The city (if you can call it that) is the domain of the Brisbane City Council (aka the Imperial Death Comittee).
History[edit | edit source]
Brisbane popped into existence some 4.5x10^91 years ago, when Queen Elizabeth II decided she needed somewhere to dump her dead corgis, or the tabloid magazines would find out. Personally slaughtering everyone who already lived in the area using an early form of the AK-47 and a Tsar bomb that had been left in the attic of Buckingham Palace for as long as anyone could remember, the Queen decreed the rubble as the city of Brisneyland, or Brisneytown, or something similar to that, as she couldn't remember the name of her 4,355,721st corgi, which had been called Brissybarn. Constructed by enslaved Kiwis, the town is a major hotspot for nothing.
The first Supreme Mayor of the Brisbane City Council was decreed as Senator Palpatine, the sweetest person anyone could think of. With that mess sorted, the Queen went back to England, and started to send shipments of dead corgis monthly, which became known as "the First Fleet". About 2.4 milliseconds after Lizzy's departure, Palpatine screamed something along the lines of "UNLIMITED POWERRRRRRR", and declared himself the Intergalactic Emperor. No-one had any objections. It was at this point the council realised they needed more than dust to rule, so using a jar of peanut butter and thirteen paperclips, managed to seduce/enslave the neighbouring Kiwis into building a city from nothing but the ever-growing pile of corgi corpses. Miraculously, the city was finished within a day, which managed to create the saying "Rome wasn't built in a day, but that's because they didn't have Kiwis."
The council then proceeded to declare war on everybody in the phonebook, sending out fleets of Brisbane City Council busses, which were the terror of the western spiral of the Milky Way for the better part of the Jurassic period. It is believed the unbelievable success of these busses was the inevitable fear of being late, given they never turned up to battle on time, keeping all enemies on their toes.
The armies of Brisneytown rolled ever onward, marching into the neighbouring dungheaps called Ipswich and Logan. Using Dora's "Map" the council decided the best course of action was to avoid Sydneytown, given they weren't big fans of sailboats or opera, and the big building in the middle of Sydney was a combination of the two, and therefore a point of contention.
Geography[edit | edit source]
Brisbane is located on a muddy brown river somewhere in the south of Queensland. Given it was intended as a dumping ground for dead corgis, the terrain of the land wasn't exactly on the top of Lizzy's mind when she chose a site. It was more of a random pick from what her pretty boy James Cook had stumbled across while going on a sail. When she was about to make up her mind, God appeared in a flash of light, and warned her that it was a terrible spot. But everyone knows the saying goes "God save the Queen" and not "God save God" or "Queen save the God", so Lizzy promptly told God to get lost and shot him with a Glock pistol she had lying in her handbag. With divine intervention dealt with, she ordered that the spot be chosen. Given that Liz knew nothing about the direction to the bathroom, let alone geography, the site she founded the city on was a watery, abysmal floodplane that was destined to become 3/4 sea and 1/4 swamp every eight months. The only spot in the place that might be safe from the croc/shark/tarantula/polar bear infested water would be Mount Coot-tha, which by any standards is only a somewhat mediocre hill, so logically that part of the city was largely ignored, with all forms of development being built underwater. If Brisbane couldn't be the new Sydney, perhaps it could be the new Atlantis/Port Royale (i.e. other large watery disappointment) The city borders Moreton Bay, and across from it Moreton Island and a bunch of other little clumps of sand that somehow stop Tsunamis, but couldnt stop Cyc. ALFRED.
Things to do in Brisneytown[edit | edit source]
Visit South Bank[edit | edit source]
In a desperate bid to get anyone's attention at all, the Council decided to destroy the city's industrial district (basically anything that made it worth any monetary value), and replace it with a fake beach and a million tourist-trap style shops. The Itsatoura mission (not to be confused with the Iwakura Mission) was basically a bunch of Brisbanites sent by the council to visit Las Vegas, gamble a shit-ton of money, get real drunk, then come back and report. Doing what the city does best - cultural appropriation - Brisbane was given the nickname 'BrisVegas', a dumb name for an even dumber concept. It failed miserably, with the one casino set up - the Star, constantly going into debt and under anti-corruption/criminal investigations, after pouring trillions into a building that took longer to construct than the Sagrada Familia. The museum - a constant reminder of what a bad idea 80s architecture was (even though it seemed like a good idea at the time) holds a huge collection of taxidermied animals and about 30 rocks, as well as a souvenir shop that spits out collector coins that are probably truly a scam.
Go shopping[edit | edit source]
On second thought, don't. There are only three shopping centres - Queen's Mall, Indro shops and Garden City. Queen's Mall is full of homeless eshays who got kicked out of home for vaping. Indooroopilly has an inpronouncable name (forget trying to spell it) and is inhabited by the students of the surrounding high schools (Brigidine, Ambrose Treacy, St Peter's, Kenmore State High and Indooroopilly State High). If you go, you will almost certainly get murdered by the teenagers in the food court as they scramble to the Maccas line. Garden City might be a nice place to engage in capitalistic rituals, however its further away than Logan, mate - so effectively off the edge of the world.
Play Some Sport[edit | edit source]
Brisbanites are avid followers of the national religion of Krikkit. This ritual, first created in England is practiced with verve in the holy ground called "The Gabba". It involves two teams of priests, dressed all in white, tossing a sacred orb at a "Wicket" which shall be defended with a big stick. Brisbane worships these priests, and the citizens pour in money into the religion which is why the city is almost always broke. The other arena is "Sun-Corp Stadium", the home of sun rituals where teams generally play football, then get murdered by the home team fan club, given the home team gets destroyed by just about anyone and anything. If you are an away team fan, you can sit in the far corner of the stadium (as is tradition), and jump up and down and play some tribal drums to egg on the sacrifice.
Die[edit | edit source]
This is really very very easy to do in Briz, given everywhere you go, you have a 230% chance of being murdered. The most common cause of death is falling politicians from the top of the Government Building after being kicked by the Premier. This is followed by falling into the river, and waiting for a bus that is always at least 32 years, 4 months, 2 weeks, 1 day, 9 hours, 16 minutes and 48 seconds late (provided traffic is good).
Economy[edit | edit source]
Non-existant. Except for the sale of the Kiwi slaves, and the production of beer from dead corgis.
