Vegemite
“It’s made from beer, seriously?”
“Spreadable beer! A fucking gift from God!”
“Why is there shit on my toast?”
“About an inch thick, with no butter – is that right?”
Vegemite is a term coined by members of the vegetarian movement. It takes its name from the town of Vegem, destroyed by a vengeful Old Testament God for the crime of using yeast-extract as a bum-sex lubricant. When spoken, it must be accompanied by a raised fist to ward off evil vegetable consumers.
Vegemite is also used as an Australian brand of axle grease.[1] Typically sold in two pound jars, it is noted for its powerful abilities as a lubricant and its pleasant odour. Users should take care as it can dissolve latex. A common side-effect of Vegemite consumption is Rose Cheek, although the official claim that "It puts a rose in every cheek" is widely disputed.
Despite common assumptions that Vegemite "just grows on trees", it is actually mined from the ground. Outback Australia has dozens of Vegemite mines, and most Vegemite miners come up with cases of "Rose Cheek" after prolonged exposure.
The British equivalent, Marmite, is a much lighter petrochemical product, being sump oil rather than axle grease. This is related to the colder weather in Britain, and British cars having much smaller engines on average than the Australian equivalents.
A further use of the word Vegemite is as a theological reference in the little known British religion Christianity. To Christians, "Vegemite" refers to the unending hell of quasi-Marmite that unbelievers will have to consume in their journey through the Afterlife (also known as Disney).
Production[edit | edit source]
The ingredients required to make Vegemite is top secret. However, it is a known fact that large quantities of koala shit and kangaroo piss are not involved. It has been rumoured that dingo testicles are routinely added to give Vegemite its extra "zing". Vegemite, like beer, must be fermented. The most popular location for fermentation is between the buttocks and the humble seat of your average Sydney city taxi driver. The rancid smell emitting from your humble Sydney city taxi driver is a direct result of the fermentation process, not the unhygienic tendencies of the driver.
An alternative production method is to wait until Beelzebub has recently been buggered by his gay lover, then to take a swab of the devil's anal secretions from his boyfriend's penis, and seal it in the familiar yellow-capped jar.
Of course all these explanations really don't make sense. Vegemite is actually Baby food made from Aboriginal Babies. This was confirmed by the Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd who declared in 2007 that he was a "Toast and Vegemite guy". Nowadays Indian babies and babies of illegal Immigrants are added to the mix and thus making it a multicultural experience. Though the eating of Aboriginal babies was a hidden practice until the end of the century, it has now been sanctioned officially by the "National Museum of Australia" located in Australia's second capital city of Canberra.
iPoo 2.0[edit | edit source]
A mock vegemite was introduced by Apple Inc. in 2009. As the name suggests, it looks, tastes and even smells like poo. Which is because it is poo. The name was coined by Kevin Rudd in a nationwide competition but was scrapped due to complaints from the public that it would not play their MP3 library. The reason why the crap name was used in the first place is because there was some confusion about the sense of the word "crap".
Some alternative names were considered.
- Ve-shit-mite
- Faece-mite
- Vegemite No. 2
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- Vegemite was recently banned in the United States as a Class A narcotic due to its high folic acid content.[2]
- Vegemite wards off vampires. This was first discovered by the Lurkers Maddog and Rastro and later proven to be true by its ability to cure vampire dogs in World War IX.
- Vegemite can also be used to ward off sparkly, vegetarian vampires.
- Vegemite is one of the few edible brands of axle grease. Unlike Marmite, it is an acquired taste, and is best served on toast. Beginners have been known to be put off by the flavour due to improper preparation. To avoid this, make sure to spread it over as much toast as possible. Get right in there, don't be shy. Slather it all over, just like peanut butter.[3]
- Vegemite is an ingredient in ketchup.
- Vegemite is a toxic substance used for cow tipping and is the chief material component for Mordenkainen's Lubrication.
- Vegemite is used to manufacture stained glass.
- Vegemite may contain traces of nuts, dolphins, and/or dolphin nuts.
- Vegemite can be used to make a Hitler mustache, or if applied incorrectly a dirty Sanchez.
- John Howard was the first Prime Minster to be featured on the label. This was to replace the former cricket star Kobe Bryant's endorsement "Kobe's favorite, next to rape".
- Cult classic video game DOOM features Vegemite in Episode I: V Deep in the Vegemite.
- Vegemite looks just like shit smeared on toast but tastes even better.
- Vegemite as an explosive has a higher energy yield than plutonium.
- Vegemite is similar to the American apple butter, only with less apples.
- The Kraft Company has announced a whole line of flavored Vegemite, including grape, kiwi–strawberry (made with real New Zealanders), mango, and sugar-free booger.
- Vegemite is part of a hangover cure (a small slosh of beer at room temperature, salt and pepper, washishiteer sauce, WD-40, oysters, and a raw egg all stirred with a Vegemite-coated spoon).[4]
- The number-one soft drink (soda) in Australia is Coke with Vegemite.→
- A great prank: drop some Vegemite onto your bed sheets, wait for someone to walk in and mistake it for a pooh stain, then lick it.[5]
- The number-one topping at all Australian Sub-Way restaurants is Vegemite.
- Since 1974 McDonalds in Australia has offered the choice of Vegemite or mayonnaise on all Big Macs sold.
- One of the most pleasant smelling aromas known to man is washing your hands in turpentine and Vegemite instead of soap![6]
- Whoopie Goldberg was quoted once saying: "Vegemite is like licking a cats butt." How she knows how to distinguish the taste between the two is still a mystery.[7]
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Shell Oil ad, 1977: "When the going gets hard, don't retard – remember your lubrication."
- ↑ That, and the fact that Americans will consume almost anything while their government thinks for them.
- ↑ Don't listen to those Aussies sniggering in the corner – they're just jealous of your sophisticated foreign ways and cosmopolitan manners.
- ↑ Thankfully, just one person has ever tried it. It wasn't pretty.
- ↑ Funny. Not quite up there with a Baby Ruth™ in the swimming pool, but ... yeah.
- ↑ please do try it
- ↑ History channel: "Nex thang pops out'at bird's ass Imo eat it." Or was it Discovery?
