Kylie Minogue

Ms. Minogue in her emo 90s phase. (She's actually sat on the toilet, but we removed it in Photoshop® to make her look more classy.)

“She taught me how to 'Australian Kiss'. It's like a 'French Kiss' only down under”

– Michael Hutchence on Kylie Minogue

“ I can't get that f**ing song out of my head”

– Oscar Wilde on Kylie Minogue

“LOLwut”

– WordGirl on Kylie Minogue

Kylie Ann Minogue (born 28 May 1968) is an Australian singer, songwriter, actress and mineral with a very low electrical resistance, enormous tits and a very nice arse. When heated to 210 degrees Celsius, Kylie Minogue becomes a non-flammable, inert gas used as a pharmaceutical anti-toxin. She is also known as the "Australian Madonna".

Because of Kylie's electrical properties, she is often found in demanding opto-electrical situations and is widely believed to hold the key to quantum cryptography. She is the more beautiful and talented older sister of Dannii Minogue, who cannot sing or dance. She should go far, such as the moon. She is also the most successful mineral ever to make headway in the popular music charts, beating granite, which once made it to number 47 in Iceland with a cover version of "Saturday Night's All Right for Fighting", and rivalling the TV fame of Sapphire and Steel. The fact that steel is not a mineral as such never seemed to bother anyone. The imposter.

Kylie's fine structure is of minute scale and she can generally only be viewed with a microscope. This, however, is very difficult as she rarely sits still. Fixing her to a glass slide with a minute amount of superglue generally suffices for a short but exciting viewing.

Early Life

Fuck you Justin.

Kylie was originally born with 22 ears which spanned her entire head-space and sadly four of these covered her beloved mouth and it was only after a 17th surgical procedure to remove these that Kylie found her talent in yodeling. She began to hum the theme tune to Sons & Daughters and gradually worked her way up to Going For Gold before eventually mastering the entire first verse and chorus of Prisoner Cell Block H. Over time Kylie's talents grew and she went on to find herself being the face of a Tenalady advertising campaign performing the hits of Wet Wet Wet which was then released as a promotional CD to various Mozambique newspapers and radio stations. This CD is now one of the most collectible Kylie items in existence, overtaking the ultra rare Korean promotional Kylie Apple-clamps of 1992.

Career Start

Kylie doing an action scene in Street Fighter.

Kylie started her career in the soap opera The Sullivans and later appeared on the TV show The Sopranos as a prostitute in a whorehouse. The whorehouse was doing great business as Christopher Moltesante noted that "half the neighbourhood is waiting in line here for blowjobs" (Christopher wanted protection money).

After staring in the Australian soap Neighbours during the 1980's, as the tone-deaf, wanna-be singer-come incompetent grease monkey Charlene Mitchell (which she was well suited for); she did become a famous singer, but rumors linger to this day that she was miming to a backing tape that was sung by Madonna. Kylie's acting career peaked in 1994 when she starred in Steven E. de Souza's documentary Street Fighter, a role which earned her seven Oscars, including Best Picture.

With the SCP Foundation (1987-1992)

In 1987 she released a song called Loco Loco which was No. 1 in her country, Producers Snap Crackle Pop bought her into labour and recorded songs. She became a world phenomena win 1987 with her song "I Should Be So Fucky" This was was one of the early music videos that presented Minogue as a "girl-from-behind-door". In the same time she released her debut named "I'm not in neighbours". It included hits such as the two and 4 more singles (French song, Certainism, Revert it to Love, and It's still a Secret). In 1989 she released "Enjoying?" which tanked in the US but had hits such as Hand on my no-no's, Id change everything, Its too late, and Pillow Crying. She also made 2 duets with Jason Donovan (Not For You and I Wanna do Stuff to You). In 1990, she became totally sexy and released "Rhythm of Love" which included "Back In Time, I have to do that, F**Ked (To the ery foundation), and The Devil Knows. in 1991 her last SCP Foundation album lets get to it was in, it included flops. In 1992 after being fed up, she quit with leaving a compilation of 22 songs that sound the same. Also released a non stop mix called "Kylies too good for ya: 50 plus 1 songs that still sound repetitive"

Confide in Me and the other albums (1993-1998)

She releases her 1994 album and it flops. She then releases another album in 1998, but people forgot that it existed.

Back to popularity 1999-present

In 2001, Kylie achieved legendary sales and airplay of her signature tune 'Can't Get Your Ass Out of Your Head'. The single sold around 12 gazillion copies and reached number 1 on every planet. Due to this success Kylie received a large amount of cash. To celebrate, Kylie paid Justin Timberlake and Robbie Williams to have full bareback sex for her. She later used this as a backdrop video for her 2005 concert tour, 'Showgirl: The GAY Icon'.

Since 2002 she has been involved in an ongoing feud with Shakira over who should have the title of "Best Arse in the World". Unfortunately she has lost each year since 2002, with Jennifer Lopez coming a close third. Shakira's reign of dominance does not seem to be coming to an end anytime soon, with reports stating their has been a surplus in the numbers of men who masturbate to her ass.

She has had a total of a million comebacks. Each time she releases a flop album/single she will always be back at number 1 within a few years.

Madonna has a psychotic obsession with Kylie (due to the fact that Kylie's songs 'Devil', 'Confess to me' and 'Cant get my sisters amazing juicy tits out of your head' are better than her entire back catalogue). She even wore a t-shirt with Kylie will you fanny fuck me? written on it. Minogue's gay husband, William Baker was not impressed.

She has recently supported pop legends Pat And Mick on a 'greatest hits' tour on Tasmania. In December 2006 it was reported that she turned down an offer to support 90s stripper (which also happened to be her sister) Dannii Minogue on her upcoming 2007 circus tour in the United Kingdom.

Kylie's unreleased album Boob Jobs and Blow Jobs has become the stuff of legend amongst fans who seem to be willing to do anything to obtain a copy. In May 2007 an in-house CD-R of demos from the album appeared on eBay and after a nine-day listing fetched an astounding £1.2 Million from a private buyer in Bulgaria. Shortly after the sale on eBay demos from the CD set began to appear on the internet which forced Kylie's record label Parlophone to send a crack-squad of EMI's top-security team and the Police, who'd been paid off privately, round to the house of the Bulgarian fan where they proceeded to retrieve their Kylie collection in a bid to find out where the demos leaked from. This included questioning and bribing the fan in a series of unorthodox interviews where they threatened to play extended remixes of Sinitta tracks if they didn't get the information they were looking for. After 40 hours they let the fan go and after twelve months sent back their Kylie collection, accidently including all the demos they had initially hoped to remove all trace of. Four weeks later a copy of the demos sold on eBay for £22 Million and the head of Kylie's A & R at Parlophone, Liles Meonard hanged himself!

Hot photos

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End of the world

The infamous criminal mastermind, Lord Snarebottom, has vowed to marry Kylie. "I took one look at Kylie, and that was it for me. My life, as I knew it, was over", quipped the smitten Lord as he described his extraordinary affectation for Kylie from his prison house on Devil's Island. "As soon as they let me out of here, I'm going to marry Kylie", he said as we were departing. We didn't have the heart to tell him that no one leaves Devil's Island...

In 2038, Minogue was banished to the Phantom Zone for excessive use of hair bleach and was sent flying [slowly] through space. In the year 2047 she returned to Earth's orbit and crashed in the middle of Times Square in New York, thus setting up Cloverfield 5's opening shot, filmed by Michael Bay as J.J. [Jiant Jew] Abrams had died in 2012 along with the rest of earth's population. The world was started again in 2013 after some [ahem]... interesting situations.

Minogue's memory lives on in every piece of jewelry with diamonds. If you ever hear a high pitched vibrato emanating from your ears, Kylie is saying hello.

Discography

Albums

• Kylie's a Whore (1988)

Tracklist:

1. I Should Be So Fucky
2. Slow Motion (parody of Loco-Motion by Little Eva)
3. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?
4. It's A Secret
5. Certainism
6. Turn It Into Hate
7. I Don't Miss You
8. Look Your Way
9. Hate At Second Sight
10. Made In Hell

• Not Enjoying Myself (I've Got Chlamydia) (1989)

Tracklist:

1. Hand on My Boobs
2. I Would Change A Thing
3. Always Rarely Early
4. Something to Win
5. Tall Tale
6. My Secret Boobs
7. I'm Done Dreaming (With You)
8. Chlamydia
9. Hell On the Moon
10. Not Enjoying Myself
11. Especially For Me (feat. Jason Donovan)
12. Just Wanna Hate Me
13. We Know The Meaning of Sex
14. All I Wanna Do Is Make Love

• Rhythm Of My Vagina (1990)

Tracklist:

1. Worse The Angel I Know
2. Go Back In Time
3. What Do I Do?
4. Sex Secrets
5. Go Back In Time Part 2
6. The World Stops Turning
7. Fucked
8. Threesome
9. Things Can't Get Better
10. Go Back In Time Part 3
11. Rhythm Of My Vagina

• Let Me Fuck It (1991)

Tracklist:

1. Released
2. Give Me More Time To Fuck
3. Too Little Of A Bad Thing
4. Firmer Emotions
5. If You Weren't With Me (feat. Keith Washington)
6. Let Me Fuck It
7. Not Right Now
8. Zap
9. World With You
10. I Guess I Didn't Like It
11. Farther
12. Pumping Your Cock
13. What Kind Of Whore?
14. Not Cool (parody of Celebration by Kool & the Gang)

• Kylie MinOLD (1994)

Tracklist:

1. Confine Me In Jail
2. Win
3. If I Was Your Hater
4. Where Are You?
5. Put Myself In Your Shoes
6. F-0
7. Manual Hate
8. Where Am I?
9. Pieces
10. Time Will Not Pass
11. I'm Not Waiting
12. Everything Will Die (parody of Nothing Can Stop Us by Saint Etienne)

• Impossible to Penetrate (1997)

Tracklist:

1. You Went Really Early
2. Reverse Cowgirl
3. Some Kind Of Piss
4. Oops! I Did It Again
5. Exhale
6. Don't
7. U&I
8. I Want You
9. Parkour
10. Dying
11. Old Fart
12. Nightmares

• Shite Years (2000)

Tracklist:

1. AAAAAAAA!/Spinning On Your Cock
2. A Day Unlike This
3. Hello Now
4. Titanic Down
5. Lifeboat
6. Cock
7. Your Cock Needs Me
8. Please Go
9. Sweetest Greeting
10. Butts
11. Over The Influence
12. On Crack
13. Why Do I Have a Song With Robbie Williams? (feat. Robbie Williams)
14. Shite Years

• Fever From My Menopause (2001)

Tracklist:

1. More More Sex
2. Hate at Last Sight
3. Can Get Me In My Head
4. Fever From My Menopause
5. Received
6. Period Blood
7. Cum In Your World
8. In My Eyes
9. Dance Club
10. Sex Affair
11. My Hate
12. My Itchy Vagina
13. Ropes
14. Girl
15. Bad Like That
16. Oof
17. Dancing At Midnight

• Foreign Language - Spanish Whore (2003)

Tracklist:

1. Fast
2. Still Naked
3. It's Still A Secret
4. Lies
5. Bitter Songs
6. Blue Blooded Man
7. Vanilla
8. Unobsessed
9. I Don't Feel For You
10. Sometime
11. Hating Nights
12. Foreshadowing
13. Go Faster
14. You Never Made Me Feel
15. Lost Control

• XXX (Not Suitable for Those Under 18) (2007)

Tracklist:

1. 2 of Diamonds
2. Like A Dog
3. In Your Legs
4. MP3
5. Sensitive
6. Boobs Pop
7. The Last
8. No More False Endings
9. All You See
10. Rats
11. Why Again?
12. Noods
13. Latte
14. Demolition Night
15. Electric Magnet
16. Black Heart
17. Prince or Princess
18. I Know Where It Is
19. Take Me Away
20. Strawberry Bloom

• Hermaphrodite (2010)

Tracklist:

1. All The Haters
2. Get Me Out Of Here
3. I Don't Care
4. Too Close To Care
5. Nothing is Ugly
6. Hermaphrodite
7. QR Worse Than Tomorrow
8. A Little
9. Stupid Girl
10. Not Looking For A Devil
11. Can't Stop
12. Hamstrings
13. Lakes
14. Nothing and All
15. Lower (Taio Cruz feat. you know...)

• Fuck Me Twice (2014)

Tracklist:

1. Ripping Off Madonna
2. Billion Reasons
3. I Am Still Touring
4. Sexy as Fuck
5. Even More Sex
6. Orgasm
7. You Know What?
8. Le Xes
9. Fuck Me Twice
10. Ugly (with Enrique Iglesias)
11. No Thanks
12. Political
13. Waking Up With My Friends
14. Sporks
15. More Foreshadowing

• My Festive Ass (2015)

Tracklist:

1. It's The Most Shittiest Day Of The Year
2. Santa Claus Is Going To Crush You (feat. Frank Sinatra's ghost)
3. Winter Unwonderland
4. Gift Wrap (feat. Iggy Pop)
5. Only Me (feat. James "Fucking" Corden)
6. I'm Gonna Be Cold This Winter
7. Every Week's Like Christmas
8. Let It Blow
9. My Festive Ass
10. 20,000 Million Miles
11. You Know That Song?
12. My Very Festive Ass
13. Merry Christmas To All
14. Oh Fuck It's Santa
15. 1 Million Degrees (feat. Dannii Minogue)
16. Christmas Should Be Every Day
17. Cracked Lights
18. My Non-Festive Ass
19. My Non-Festive Ass, Again

• Golden Shower (2018)

Tracklist:

1. Shape of You
2. Bring Me To Life
3. Golden Shower
4. It Takes Two To Tango
5. Go My Way
6. One Last Time
7. Ignorance
8. Summertime Sadness
9. Nothing On But The Radio
10. Burn
11. It's Raining Men
12. Why Not Another Duet? (with Jack Savoretti)
13. Titanium
14. What Makes You Beautiful
15. Break Stuff
16. Havana

• Cocaine Happened, So Bam, DISCO! (2020)

Tracklist:

1. Angel Dust
2. Marijuana
3. Tobacco
4. Sleazy
5. Bloating
6. Don't Say Something
7. First Time
8. I Hate You
9. Toilet
10. Dance Club Whore
11. Stoppable
12. Can't Save You From Disco
13. You Cannot Love Somebody
14. Spoiled Milk
15. Hey
16. Moonlight
17. A Minute To Noon (with Years & Years)
18. Kiss of Death (with Jessie Ware)
19. Can Stop (with Gloria Gaynor)

• Sex Tension (2023)

Tracklist:

1. Madam Madam
2. Hold On To The Past
3. Things We Don't Do
4. Sex Tension
5. Two More Times
6. Sober
7. Feet
8. Red Light
9. Now I'm High
10. Imperfect (feat. Oliver Heldens)
11. The End?
12. Toxic Gossip Train
13. Don't Imagine
14. Somebody To Hate
15. Unholy
16. Beat Of Your Heart

• Sex Tension II (2024)

Tracklist:

1. Bitches
2. Voodoo
3. No One for You
4. Badass Bitch
5. OXX
6. Gold
7. Goodbye
8. Sing to the Movement
9. I Never Left Myself
10. Center of Sunday Morning (with The Blessed Madonna)
11. ♉♍♏ (with Bebe Rexha and Tove Lo)
12. Noon Walk (with Orville Peck and Diplo)
13. There are Extended Mixes, By The Way (with Sia)

See also

• Music
• Australia
• Neighbours
• Hot Chick

AustraliaSo where the bloody hell are you?