Michael Bay
“MOTHERFUCKING MONEY!!!”
Michael Bay is a shallow estuary located near Los Angeles, California, to which approximately twenty percent of Southern California's water drains, and in which eighty percent of SoCal's clichéd, formulaic action sequences occur, all of which feature gratuitous levels of special effects. The Bay and the land masses surrounding and within it are famed for their car and boat chases, high-budget explosions, shoot-outs, hostage situations, criminal and terrorist activities, and daily crisis situations putting the city, nation, or entire world in perilous jeopardy.
Critics of Michael Bay claim that the highly stylized events that occur within it on a regular basis are unbelievable, bombastic, vapid, and ultimately condescending to the intelligence of average bay residents. However, others have defended the bay, stating that the events are harmless PG-13 (and in some cases violent R-rated) entertainment and should be used as a form of escapism from daily hardships. Both sides agree: "Pearl Harbor sucked, although Kate Beckinsale was way hot in it."
History
Formation of Michael Bay
There are several competing theories on how Michael Bay was formed, the two most popular of which are known as the "Giant Fucking Asteroid" (Armageddon) theory, and the "Autobot Ark" (Transformers) theory.
- In the Armageddon theory, at one point in time thousands of years ago a huge, unstoppable asteroid the size of Texas was plummeting to the Earth, sure to cause massive amounts of destruction and death. Ancient inhabitants of the Michael Bay area likely saw this impending doom through telescopes, and organized a rag-tag group of rugged, blue-collar citizens who were deemed worthless relics by society to stop the Asteroid. Despite the great odds against them and frequent setbacks, the grizzled group launched themselves into space (somehow), did a slingshot around the moon and landed on the asteroid to destroy it in space. Some of these hardy men likely realized that the only way for their plan to truly succeed was to predictably and conveniently sacrifice their own lives by staying behind on the Asteroid, just to give the mission a better chance of success.
- In the end, the world was saved, but a small chunk of the Asteroid did plummet down to Earth, and made a huge crater what is now the Michael Bay area. The crater eventually filled with water, leaving the bay that now exists today. Scientists supportive of the Armageddon theory also believe that in the middle of all the action, an inane and otherwise irrelevant love story occurred.[1]
- The Transformers theory is a less precise and accepted theory, although it coming into more widespread popularity in recent years. First proposed and popular in the early 1980s, support for it dwindled until a recent craze in "retro theories." In the Transformers theory, an Ark spacecraft from the planet Cybertron crash landed on Earth and made a similar crater hole at Michael Bay to the one envisioned in the Armageddon theory. However, it is believed that the robotic inhabitants in the ship will soon emerge and continue their bitter war multi-million year war, now with the Earth as their battleground. Some supporters of the theory state that the robots may already have emerged, and we simply don't know it because they have cleverly disguised themselves as everyday vehicles.
- Precise details about the theory haven't been made public, although it has been announced that a more formalized version of the theory will be released around the July 4 box-office weekend later this year. Some predict that this formalization will be epic and widely accepted re-interpretation, while others state that it will "totally butcher the established mythos and use character designs that are travesties." This theory also includes an inane and otherwise irrelevant love story.
Early Michael Bay
Although inhabited by natives for thousands of years, The first Europeans to arrive at Michael Bay came in 1542 during an expedition by Portuguese explorer Juan Cabrillo, although Los Angeles and the bay area would not be settled by Europeans for another 200 years. After settlement occurred, the early years of Michael Bay were often praised for the stylish and commercially viable portrayal of life there. Although no lengthy, detailed manuscripts about Michael Bay were made, there were a number of music video-length writings which depicted the residents as wearing flashy clothing, having frequent harquebus shoot-outs, and flipping their caravans over in high speed chases of up to 10 miles an hour. Apparently, the caravans always exploded afterwards, although not immediately - as residents always had enough time to run out of the caravan to get several yards away from it, before it would detonate in slow motion, sending them flying into the air, narrowly avoiding a fireball. [2]
However, even in the early days, residents began to become highly critical of the bay, complaining that the day in and day out events there were full of events that were "predictable," "formulaic," and "full of stale dialogue and wooden acting." It was also at this time that the residents first discovered a natural phenomenon that stopped American flags from waving at full speed. For some reason, they could only wave in slow motion while a single trumpet played for no apparent reason.
Modern Michael Bay
Although as time moved on and caravans gave way to automobiles, many of the same types of events that occurred in the early days of Michael Bay continue to exist to this day, albeit in modified forms. Cars, trucks, SUVs, trains, airplanes, and motorboats often explode with awesome fireballs, allowing protagonists to barely escape in the nick of time.
At the dawn of the Second World War in 1941, Michael Bay was the setting for a horrific sneak attack by Japanese forces. The attack is famous for being the most historically inaccurate battle of all time, and also one of the bloodiest - with 2,403 killed by deadly artistic license. The battle lasted for an ungodly long 183 minutes, most of which was dedicated to the banal dialogue of shallow lead characters in an underdeveloped love triangle plot with a predictable ending. Only about 20 minutes of the entire battle was related to any military action, with a substantial part of that relegated to a politically correct depiction of a heroic Token Black Guy saving a ship in order to give the battle a "feel good" moment.
Following the war, Michael Bay slowly rebuilt itself - but all would not remain well. Notorious drug gangs gained influence in the area in the mid 1990s, and the only way they could be stopped was by a duo of buddy cops, filmed exclusively in back-lit monochrome tilt shots. Their mission to recover $100 million in heroin seemed like it would be easy... but wound up complicated due to the fact that they were polar opposites (a family man and a happenin' bachelor) who had to pretend to be each other whilst simultaneously being joined by a wisecracking female inane possible love interest. Fortunately, in a blaze of gunfire with weapons that have infinite bullets, the duo of "bad boys" worked out their differences and were victorious - finally killing the villain, but not before providing acidic one-liners. Apparently the duo went on to work together again, but I can't name a single person who could explain what happened in their second assignment. Chances are there were more slow-motion explosions, and more jokes that would have made my skin crawl.
Politics
The Bush dynasty have greatly contributed to develop the political involvement of the Michael Bay in foreign policy over the past few hundred years. The wars in Middle-East, Far East, and Africa have been the theater of massive "nuke-and-oil" explosions that bolstered the political partisanship as well as the husbandry of the Michael Bays.
After years of tremendous demonstration of its high-concept, multi-level approach involving the highest ranking think tanks from Princeton, The Michael Bay Endowment for Democracy is now an officially-commissioned program within the DOD and the CFR's policy for the entire World. All thanks to Michael Bay, Democracy is coming to a neighborhood near you... so duck and cover!
Geography and community
The Bay covers about 1000 square miles of water adjacent to Los Angeles, where frequent awesome-yet-prescribed violence occurs due to the "Michael Bay effect." Additionally, there are two major islands within the bay which also are influenced by the effect.
The Island
The larger island, simply known as "'The Island", is home to a race of genetic clones who have been misled into believing that they are living on an island paradise to escape the terrible, desolate apocalyptic environment elsewhere. Residents regularly vanish and are assumed to be winners in a lottery that takes them somewhere better. But in actual fact, the clone residents are part of a vast conspiracy to grow harvestable organs for the rich. On a weekly basis, a pair of two young, attractive and physically fit clones of opposite sex (opposite sex so they can have an inane and otherwise irrelevant love story) discover the truth behind the island and make a daring escape, thusly proving the unbreakable will of the human spirit in its fight for life and justice. Ultimately, a larger-than-life battle occurs between the heroic clones and the evil doctors behind The Island, leading to the freeing of the clones and explosive destruction of The Island. It is always rebuilt over the weekend and the same thing happens starting the next Monday.
The Island is arguably derivative of several other land areas that were settled long before it, including The Clonus Horror Archipelago, Brave New World Atoll, The Giver Isthmus, House of the Scorpion Isle, Logan's Run Fjord, Never Let Me Go Canyon, The Machine Stops Key, Immortality, Inc. Peninsula, and Anthem Firth. Because of this, many visitors to The Island say "I think I've seen this before."
The Rock
"The Rock" is the name of the second, smaller island residing within Michael Bay. It's notable for being the one Michael Bay island that's actually inhabitable. Formerly an island prison, it was known for daring escape attempts against all odds. Nearly all prisoners at the island were wrongfully convicted for a crime that they did not commit, and faced the brutalization of a corrupt police force. Fortunately, its days as a prison are now long over.
Inhabitants of The Rock today consist of an FBI chemical weapons specialist, his wife (for an inane and otherwise irrelevant love story), a rogue elite US Marine Force Recon team, and an ex-SAS spy, secretly held prisoner by the U.S. Government but soon to be released as he is the only man to have ever successfully escape the Rock and is therefore the one man who, together with the FBI agent and an expendable team of SEALS who will all be dead soon, can save civilization from the rogue Marine force's attempt to blackmail the world with VX nerve agent. Oh, and seagulls. They have seagulls there too.
Daily schedule
Due to the regularity of cliché action sequences occurring in Michael Bay, in recent years the action in the area has been set to a strict schedule, so that dueling battles, chases, explosions, and other events do not conflict with one another.
- 12:00 AM - The turning of a new day is celebrated with a bright, fiery explosion.
- 12:05 AM - A police officer a few days from retirement is killed.
- 1:00 AM - Sonorous recitation of ancient clichés.
- 2:00 AM - A government entity goes rogue and must be stopped before life as we know it comes to a halt.
- 3:00 AM - Look out... FOR ROBOTS!
- 4:00 AM - Slow Motion Explosion.
- 5:00 AM - Obligatory and irrelevant reference to a conspiracy behind the JFK assassination is made.
- 6:00 AM - Mexican Standoff.
- 7:00 AM - Ben Affleck shows up.
- 8:00 AM - Motorcycle crashes through pane of glass (M, W, F), fruit/vegetable stand (Tu, Th, Sat), or stained-glass at crowded Church (Sun), or charges toward giant sentient helicopter (on alternate weeks).
- 9:00 AM - Random Slow Motion Explosion.
- 9:34 AM – High-speed chase through a shantytown.
- 10:00 AM -Notable landmark is destroyed by awesome power of computer graphics.
- 10:08 AM - Man killed with bare hands, but he deserved it.
- 10:09 AM - Megan Fox's Cleavage Viewing Stall opens.
- 11:00 AM - Hero framed and must save the day before he himself is arrested.
- 12:00 PM - Lunchtime! Time to dump plot points. Hero/Villain should be just letting his/her guard down when the meal is interrupted as a Dodge Viper goes crashing through the restaurant window, rolling slowly in midair as it soars in slow motion across the room towards the salad bar. Explodes.
- 1:00 PM - Steve Buscemi does exact same role he did last time you saw him.
- 1:40 PM - Girl's navel is tickled with animal crackers. Yeah, I don't get that one either.
- 2:00 PM - Deadly rockets are fired into the city.
- 2:48 PM - Hummer chase scene. Body count 10.
- 3:00 PM - Someone shouts, "WE'RE NOT LEAVING THEM BEHIND!"
- 3:30 PM - Car jumps draw bridge. Second car attempts but fails. Explodes.
- 4:00 PM - Impending natural disaster that will destroy all life on Earth is discovered.
- 4:45 PM - Aerosmith song plays.
- 5:00 PM - Explosion. Fireball. Slow motion.
- 5:23 PM - PROTECT THE HUMANS FROM THE DECEPTICONS!!
- 5:30 PM - Two individuals must switch identities and pretend to be the other, leading to madcap zaniness.
- 5:45 PM - Affectionate moment between the two (slow motion optional, but recommended).
- 6:00 PM - Holy Shit! Is it the red wire... or the blue wire? Red? Blue? Red? Blue? Agghh!!! THE CLOCK IS TICKING!
- 6:01 PM - Bomb stops with one second left on it.
- 6:10 PM - Dinner, eaten while walking across gas station parking lot. Characters praise that one guy they can trust.
- 6:13 PM - Guess what? That guy you thought was good? He's really evil!
- 7:00 PM - Stolen Trans Am chase scene. Car veers off bridge and falls into Michael Bay. Explodes underwater. It's okay though, because exploding something under water (even nuclear bombs) saves the day and no one is ever hurt. Not even fish.
- 7:00 PM - Every character gets into a helicopter and flys past a huge blood-red sunset for no reason.
- 7:15 PM - Helicopter explosion. Slow motion flaming pinwheel into city street.
- 8:00 PM - Arbitrary and ill-conceived love triangle ends when 3rd man out conveniently dies doing something heroic, so that the world is saved and the other two can live in happiness in it.
- 9:00 PM - Killer won't just shoot good guys and ends up explaining his whole plan to them, rambling on.
- 9:02 PM - Killer surprisingly has tables turned on him, is himself killed by good guys. Good guys walk away. Villain's hand, sticking out of rubble heap, twitches.
- 9:30 PM - Ferrari crashes, explodes. Crane shot.
- 10:00 PM - Laws of physics ignored out of convenience.
- 10:06 PM - Autobots Descend!!
- 10:30 PM - Run to waiting helicopter on roof of skyscraper. Dramatic music.
- 10:34 PM - Arrival on rooftop after intense, slow motion elevator ride.
- 10:35 PM - The bad guy, though seriously injured, is still alive and waiting for them! No way!
- 10:45 PM - 18,299,387 shots fired in shoot-out. Down to his last bullet, the good guy actually aims for once and gets the bad guy between the eyes. Shell casing falls to ground, clinks once, twice, and--
- 10:50 PM - SMASH CUT to helicopter flying away from large, rooftop explosion. Hero, leading lady breathe sigh of relief.
- 11:00 PM - Helicopter pilot evil! No way! Shootout on helicopter
- 11:10 PM - Helicopter crashes onto street ten yards from the helicopter crash that happened at 7:15. Man operating street sweeper begins swearing loudly in Serbo-Croatian.
- 11:20 PM - Hero, leading lady parachute to safety on rooftop with many conveniently placed billboards.
- 11:30 PM - The whole city is set to explode at midnight! Aaah!
- 11:58 PM - Hero, leading lady run past sign reading CITY LIMITS, accompanied by dramatic orchestral music.
- 11:59 PM - The ending of the old day is celebrated with a Linkin Park song and a bright, fiery
Demographics
The area surrounding Michael Bay is known for a highly diverse population from various backgrounds. Originally, every race had an equal population in the area, but, you know, a lot of them had to be randomly blown up.
- 17% People Running from Fireballs
- 15% Rolling/Spinning/Flipping Cars
- 14% Magical Negro / Token Black mix
- 9% Hispanic
- 8% Elderly Martial Arts Master
- 7% Sidekick
- 6.5% Grizzled Veteran Cop Who is Getting Too Old for this Shit
- 5% Corrupt Politician
- 5% Sentient Robot
- 4% Reluctant Hero
- 3.5% Loose Cannon
- 3% Repentant Traitor Who Redeems Self but Dies Anyway
- 2% Ill-Fated Lover
- 1% Trained Killing Machine
References
See also
External links
- List of local sayings in the Bay area.
- Archive of events that have occurred in Michael Bay
- Argument in defense of Michael Bay by "Transformer Theory" Advocate
