Rob Schneider

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

“You can do it!”

~ Rob Schneider on Anything you ask him

“You can't do it”

~ Roger Ebert on Rob Schneider

“In Soviet Russia, Rob Schneider thinks you're not funny.”

~ Russian Reversal on Rob Schneider

Rob Schneider (real name: John Halligan) (b. Aug. 12, 1975) , known as the "Edward Teller of Movies", was a cast member of NBC's Saturday Night Live who later became a cross-dressing plumber who, after taking lessons in how to become an actor, was accused by police of arson and vandalism and imprisoned for 3 years, during which he founded a new religion, Schneidism (since abandoned by all but four adherents, whose names and locations remain unknown).

After being released from prison, he was found by a group of Christians, who later were found murdered in their homes in Alabama. After buying his own pinball machine, he authored a popular series of children's books on the subject of what types of thongs to wear with Hawaiian shirts. Schneider is also the person upon whom the character Mad Max is based, as well as several other popular characters of horror and science fiction, most notably Clint Wychoff.

Best known for his undistinguished film career, Schneider wrote, directed, produced, edited, catered, reviewed, financed, designed sets, cast extras, played all roles, mixed sound, and scored innumerable "craptastic" movies, including Where the heart is (2004), 8-1/2 Seconds (1999), Vertigo (2000), 2001: A Space Odyssey (1998), Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigi lo (2004), Seven Samurai (2007), and perhaps his greatest work, Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo (in pre-production since 2010).

He is simply the biggest comedian the world has ever seen...

Love Life[edit | edit source]

John Halligan was born in Hanover PA and was actually a twin.He is known for his boyish blond looks, his loan freckle under his right eye and his inability to grow a beard despite his age (22 years old).He played Badminton for his school team where he was taught how to play by a Gay South African man named Sven Crealson.This led to a relationship which blossumed into Johns first engagement.Unfortunatly Johns fiance didnt make it to the wedding as one day while walking down the street a gang of wild Honey Badgers attracted to the middle aged badminton coach's cool water scent(a christmas prestent from John) mauled, devoured, and drug his carcass around the dark night streets.The event was unfortunate as Honey Badgers are extremely rare in Africa(there natural habitat) let alone Terenure Dublin and also recent studies have shown that cool water contains essence of honey badger semen which probably atttracted them.John was heart broken and thought it difficult to hold on but love works in mysterious ways and this is when he met baby gap(johns play name for his new love which was crudely devised from his new loves small size and therefore by induction small sized arse hole or Baby gap).This relationship lasted a while but again john was unlucky as Baby Gap was onday mistaken for a chinese baby and was shiped away to china to work in a "Baby Gap" warehouse and has not been seen since.John found it hard to cope but has found new love J Donnelly and they have been happy together since.This is John Halligans first hetrosexual relationship and he has said on the topic "Dicks are so like last year".Also on a minor note John Halligan was unfortunatly born with down syndrome.

Biography[edit | edit source]

The Early Years[edit | edit source]

During an interview with Randall Stevenson of Time Magazine, Schneider revealed that he "didn't get no fancy middle skool diploma." He had dropped out of school at the age of 12, after which he spent most of his time smoking crack, masturbating, collecting Star Wars memorabilia, selling timeshares in Palm Beach, setting forest fires, tracking down Saddam Hussein in order to blow him, repeatedly robbing an Orange County Denny's "just for spite," and writing threatening letters to fellow SNL cast member Tina Fey.

Present Day[edit | edit source]

Rob Schneider now sits on a beanbag chair in the dystopian landscape of Western Arizona. He occasionally searches for illegal migrant workers, which he pays to choke him while he is in the shower. He also plans to play Col. Kurtz in the lavish CGI remake of Apocalypse Now, also starring Sandra Bullock. Recently Rob Schneider got into a confrontation with Mel Gibson, upon realizing he was going to get lose this fight, he fled the scene ultimately being pulled over and arrested for a DUI.

Death[edit | edit source]

An avid believer in the paranormal, Schneider has been known to consult psychics about his life and career. After an exhaustive 9-year search, Schneider was finally able to find one who could stay awake in his presence long enough to predict his future.

As you know, I believe in all of the paranormal crap. Psychics, ghosts, you name it. I love it. My personal psychic, Madam Zohra told me that my death would happen on September 21, 2046. When I am mistaken for Rosanne Barr's main course..."

The article goes into greater detail about his "potential" death. Pick up your copy of Time Magazine's "Rob Schneider: Alien/Human of the year"

Afterlife[edit | edit source]

Madam Zohra apparently remained vague on the subject of Schneider's prospects in the so-called "afterlife." According to sources, she reportedly informed Schneider that his spirit will be divided into multiple "sub-spirits" which will inhabit a wide variety of adult bookstores, public libraries, women's dressing rooms, men's dressing rooms, and horse stables.

The details of this have not been confirmed, as Madam Zohra has been reported as missing for the past seven months.

Gaming Clan[edit | edit source]

Rob Schneider is also the co-founder and creator of his gaming clan (tag `rsi:) sponsored by Intel. The clan was formed in mid-August 2006 after the viewing of the South Park episode; The Biggest Douche in the Universe. The other founders are known as Quasimoto, G30 and JiNK. The official website can be visited here.

Career Lowlights[edit | edit source]

At first Rob Schneider set out to be an award-winning novelist. After writing many memoirs and novels for which he was unable to find a publisher, Schneider eventually sold the rights to his written works to an anthropomorphic bar tender named "Fred" for $3.95.

Schneider later returned to the streets of California, where he began implementing his plan to take over the cast of SNL. After this failed miserably, he sobbed a great deal, and began plotting his revenge, which also failed miserably.

Memoirs and novels[edit | edit source]

Some of his autobiographies and novels include:

  • Top on Pop (a guide to living on drugs)
  • 1984 (The Early Years)
  • Animal Sex Farm (A treatise on modern practices of beastiality)
  • The Cat in the HATE!
  • Gone With the Microsoft Windows
  • Harold and the Purple Dinosaur Who Loved Him Very, Very Much
  • Pat the Bunny Boy (Featuring a foreward by Michael Jackson)
  • Lies and the Lying Liars Who Edit Wiki Articles
  • To Tell A Mockingbird To Shut the Hell Up
  • Pet Sematary II: Electric Boogaloo
  • Comedy for IDIOTS.

Films and stage[edit | edit source]

Un Chien Andalou This film begins in a bleak, desolate landscape inhabited by apes. A hotel is dropped from the sky. In this hotel, Schneider is trying to impress a girl, also played by Schneider. He fails, and attempts to cut the girl's eye with a plastic knife. (This also fails.)
La Jetee This highly entertaining film consists of Schneider traveling around the planet in a private jet, and making occasional stops to kill anyone who happens to be wearing brown shoes. Upon seeing this film, Jesse Jackson declared, "this movie is, well, a really shitty movie."
8 1/2 Made for no apparent reason whatsoever other than to simply annoy moviegoers, this remarkable cinematic creation stars Blacula, Mad Max, the entire cast of Monty Python, Jupiter Jeff, Jumpin' Jeff, and Janitor Jeff as a group of carnies who spend the entire film standing completely still, while the sets move, dissolve, and are deconstructed and reconstructed all around them. It was hailed for its historical accuracy, and ability to make audiences nauseous.

Peaks in Filmmaking[edit | edit source]

Target: Operation Orange This film consists of 13-year-olds in a locker room repeating dirty phrases "picked up" from their parents. Schneider reportedly became depressed when, after a pre-screening, he heard people say, "Sucked, eh, but still better than one of Rob Schneidley's films!"
Blazing Kane This film is about a homeless corporate CEO who decides to "turn legit" and become a male prostitute. Girls pleasure themselves with him until he reflects on life and realizes he has yet to do anything. He spends the rest of the movie smoking pot and downloading animal porn from Wikipedia. This film was partially autobiographical for Schneider, in that he consumes enormous amounts of animal porn on an ongoing basis.
Vertigo This film is based on the U2 song that came out 4 years earlier. It consists of people counting to 4 in Spanish incorrectly, people saying "Yeah" 16 times in a row, and long peroids where everyone says "OOOOOHHHHH!!!" — all in slow motion.
Home Alone 2: Lost in New York This film is the sequel to Home Alone. He plays the Bellboy who counts his tips in broad daylight even though The Concierge (played by Tim Curry) tells him not to. The McCalisters tip The Bellboy by Fruit Stripe gum, both chewed and unchewed.
Deuce Bigelow: Male Bounty Hunter This was not made by Schneider, but by his counterpart, Rob Schneidley. It is a bio-pic of his life starring Nick Cannon, a Bad Comedianism disciple.

Schneider-Inspired Crimes[edit | edit source]

June 14, 1975: Twins Richard Schneider and Rob Schneider are born.

June 15, 1992: Richard Schneider commits suicide.

June 20, 1994: Schneider sets fire to PETA office buildings in San Francisco and Sacremento.

Did You Know...[edit | edit source]

  • Rob Schneider is a registered sex offender?
  • Rob Schneider is a convicted felon
  • Rob Schneider is an alias.
  • Rob Schneider goes to the parking lots of Home Depots to pick up illegal immigrants so he can pay them to choke him while he's in the shower.
  • Rob likes to google himself on the internet over 2000 times a day?
  • Rob Schneider is a stapler?

See also[edit | edit source]