Food That Looks Like Shit

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The Human Cetipede (Final Sequence), 2015.
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Food That Looks Like Shit is food that resembles feces, and a sub-category of Art That Looks Like Nothing. In contrast to Art That Looks Like Nothing, which presumes to be a type of art, Food That Looks Like Shit presumes to be a type of culinary arts. But since cooking has nothing to do with art, Food That Looks Like Shit is not a type of cooking per se, but a kind of food created more to "appear" like something else rather than be a work of haute cuisine. These days people tend to take things that resemble things for the thing that it resembles as though it is that very thing. So since Food That Looks Like Shit is basically shit (for such people), it doesn't qualify as food at all, but rather just Shit That Looks Like Shit and nothing more.

People who claim that cooking is a form of art, ignore the simple fact that cooking and digesting are exactly the same thing. Cooking is what we do to make it possible to eat the food, and digesting is what we do to make it possible to shit the same food. So if cooking is art, then digesting is also art. And digesting is done by the digestive system, which is the tongue, salivary glands, pancreas, liver, and gallbladder. If the intestines squeezing through disolving bio matter through slow muscular contraction with the addition of bile is art, then anything is art.

So what, you say? Painting is done by one's hands, you say? You also need to use your feet for drumming, you say? Digesting is art exactly the same as painting and drumming? Well, I guess you're absolutely right. Digesting is art and so cooking is art too. So we welcome you to the first-ever exhibition of Food That Looks Like Shit, here at the National Museum of the Shithsonian Institution. Shall we begin?

Ramen[edit | edit source]

Straight from the Japanese kitchen, we bring you the Japanese soup known as Ramen. It looks exactly like a Japanese toilet. It's basically sewer water with a half-boiled egg, noodles, and whatever else which comes to mind, thrown inside the sewer water to resemble as much as possible to human turds. And the taste matches the general picture.

Some claim that Ramen is a Chinese hoax that, just like COVID-19, was invented to destroy Japanese culture. But as we all know, the Chinese weren't able to destroy the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo, but only to postpone it to 2021, so we expect Ramen to disappear from the face of the Earth more or less at the same time coronavirus does, or even 1 year sooner.

Cholent[edit | edit source]

Water, potatoes, sweet potatoes, beans, eggs, and lots of black pepper simmered for 10 hours, to create something which looks like thick or watery shit, depends on the percentage of water in it. Jews eat cholent on Sabbath day to avoid cooking on Sabbath, because lighting fire on Sabbath is forbidden in Judaism.

In Israel, the Hebrew word chamin is used, instead of the Yiddish word cholent. "Chamin" means "hot stuff", but eating chamin itself isn't considered very sexy, since it contains lots of beans and thus causes one to fart a lot. Uncyclopedia assumes the extinction of chamin to arrive circa 13,999 KD.

Cocido[edit | edit source]

A Spanish dish that never really took off outside of Spain. A mushy mixture of chickpeas, all kinds of dried out sausage (that looks like a huge turd before you cut it), potatoes and any other shit lying around in the pantry, is cooked with some pig lard thrown in cause, why not? It looks like shit, probably tastes like shit (I have never eaten shit so I can only imagine it does) and smells like fermented shit (I do know what that smells like). The feeling of it slicking down your throat is similar to the feeling of a small wet turd plopping out your anus.

Rocky Road[edit | edit source]

No one can argue that Rocky Road looks a lot like lumpy poop with lots of corn in it. But since the ice cream is considered holy in all the United States and 83% of Canada, because of the 1983 "Weird Al" Yankovic breakthrough single "I Love Rocky Road", we assume it would extinct about 1 year after chamin does.

In Conclusion[edit | edit source]

Those were the Crown Jewels of Food That Looks Like Shit. You might want to try ordering those 4 stuff from a Jewish restaurant, a Japanese joint, Spanish Amazon, and just buy the Rocky Road in a simple store. Then fix yourselves a lovely Food That Looks Like Shit meal and check it out for yourselves. It's not very bad if you add some porkchops to the chamin, which has never been done before in the history of mankind as much as we know.

To see pictures, you might want to use Google and Pinterest, but we don't really recommend it.

See also[edit | edit source]

  • Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom (art, 1975)
  • "I Love Rocky Road" (art, 1983)
  • Ramen Shop (art, 2018)
  • Your toilet, just before you flush (ATLLN, 2023)