Oldboy (2003 film)
“Holy shit! That's his fucking daughter!...Ew, that's his fucking daughter.”
“I found the sister-brother incest scene very beautiful. And fucking hott. My sis and I watch it together all the time.”
“Wow, this sooooo fucking offends me.”
OldBoy is the name of a series of how-to pamphlets passed in the underground gutter world known as South Korea that teach its readers how to properly perform a successful college school shooting. It is the sequel to the immensely popluar preceder YoungBoy which applied to high school shootings, which in turn is the sequel to ChildBoy for Middle school shootings, BabyBoy for elementary shootings, and FetusBoy for Kindergarten school shootings. The first writing, SpermBoy, the how-to edition for Pre-schoolers, was left unpublished reportedly due to lack of literacy but most suspect it to be from the publishers unwillingness to deal with the competition of Pre-school Sodomy which taught readers how to properly start a prostitution ring featuring pre-schoolers all within one nap time.
Contents of OldBoy[edit | edit source]
OldBoy described in particularly simple language how to enact a college shooting with success. Through a series of numbered bullet points, pie charts, and pop-up diagrams, it described the actions, materials, mindset, and preparation. For example, it described the great usage a hammer is in this type of stressful situation and how, very descriptively, to use it by pretty much stating to swing it around, pull out teeth, and go for the toes. The book also stated the importance on forming an incestuous relationship with an imidiate famliy member; be it sister, daughter, brother, or mother. This way, your mind is filled with deep Zen thoughts, and plus it also makes for a good afternoon. More ways to prepare, described in the pamphlet, is to take a bunch of cool-looking pictures of yourself, eat live squid, write long manifestos and plays, wear women's sunglasses, and videotape all of it so you can possibly become famous.
“TO WHOEVER MADE THIS: man u sound stupid but i honestly fucking agree with you what they did in that movie was bullshit what the fuck is wrong with people?”
Put to Action[edit | edit source]
To promote the much anticipated release of the book, the marketers decided to hold a raffle for a free early copy of the book. The prize was eventually won to one named Seung-Hui Cho who then preceded to use his valuable knowledge before everyone else was able to. Cho started his day by having intercourse with his father (a shocking move seen as very edgy), took little pictures of himself, then went to his school acting out all that was stated in OldBoy such as yanking teeth, fighting like a hundred guys at once, and eating all the dumplings that were available. Cho finished his spree by doing exactly as described in the book which was cutting his own tongue off, and shooting himself in the head inside and elevator with cool-ass music playing.
OldBoy Writers[edit | edit source]
Very many people were involved in the writing of OldBoy, most of whom are high-profile murderers or cult leaders who devout themselves to killing. An incomplete list includes serial killers Quentin "Ear-slicing" Tarantino, Takashi "Still Breastfed" Miike, Martin ".44 Magnum" Scorsese, Ed "Interior designer" Gein, Jeffrey "GHB Masta" Dahmer, Park-Chan "Akilies-cutting" Wook amongst other serial killers. Some cult murder leaders involved include Charles "I raped a guy in prison" Manson, Saddam "I'm fuckin' dead" Hussein, Pope "Ex-nazi" Benedict, Oprah "Oprah Winfrey" Winfrey, and Paris "Room instead of vagina" Hilton.
Quotes from Book[edit | edit source]
- "Be sure to memorize the blood types of all your future victims. It sounds and looks cool to state it to the rest of the people surrounding you."
- "Live squids are fuckin' good eating."
- "Askew our intentions of entertainment into a scapegoat for a tragedy so none of us will have to blame ourselves and we can keep our blind eye."
Notes[edit | edit source]
- Get it, he's Jolie's bro. (Fuck you if the reference is too old).