“RAPE MY CHILDHOOD WILL YOU! DIE!”
Joel Schumacher (born August 29, 1939) is an oscar-worthy film director. He is best known for the universally acclaimed Batman and Robin.
Schumacher was spawned on the day the music died. As his mother was consistantly paranoid, she usually walked around in a twenty-three piece suit of leather armour, with exposed nipples to allow breastfeeding. Although very young, this image would stay in Schumacher's mind for the rest of his life, and creep into many of his masterpieces. As a young man on the run for apparently killing Colin Farrell, his fixation with leather led him into a biker gang of marauding vampires. Staking the leader twenty three times with one of Arnold Schwartzenegger's icicles, he assumed leadership of the gang and was granted immortality.
As an adult, he met producer Lilly Tomlin, who immediately recognised his potential. From then on, Schumacher embarked on a long and succesful career. His credits include The Lost boys, The Number 23 and Phonebooth, all loosely based on his childhood. In 1995, when gothic director and total badass Tim Burton was fired from directing Batman, as his interpretations were too violent and dark for a young demographic, Schumacher was hired to direct the third film, Batman Forever.
In a career defining move, Schumacher boarded the franchise with enthusiasm. Val Kilmer starred as the titular Batman, while Tommy Lee Jones, despite not receiving skin grafts from his recent facial injury, bravely decided to step up and play the part of Robin. Jim Carrey was cast as himself, turning up on the first day of the shoot in green spandex and a ginger wig. Having injested a fistful of meth the night before, he had no idea where he obtained these items. However, Schumacher loved the look, and the passion of everyone invovled ensured a large box office gross and a sequel was inevitable.
Batman and Robin
“It was a masterpiece!”
“Best film ever made!”
“I wanted to make Batman sexy!”
“Grown man in a rubber suit, running around with a young boy, don't need fricken' x-ray vision to see what the hell is going on there!”
Schumacher returned to direct the next Batman film. This became the most important film in his career. George Clooney played Bruce Wayne this time around, and Schumacher finally got to realise his dream of rubber-suited nipples on film. The film took the character in a radical new direction, finding Batman on the run for a severe charge of child malestation and ass fucking sixteen year old Robin and Batgirl. Then sending them go fight Arnold Schwartzenegger and a misshapen clone of Uma Thurman, Batman himself was occupied with poisoning his butler, Alfred, in order to sever the final link with the Tim Burton films.
Largely due to the improvised performance and one-liners of Arnold Schwartzenegger, the film received universal acclaim and seven oscar nominations, but dovetailed at the box office. Heartbroken, Schumacher hibernated for years. He awoke in 2008 to find The Dark Knight had been released, even bigger then his last masterpeice. Believing his work to be no good, he jumped off the Empire State Building, his life's work demolished.
Joel Schumacher was buried in Gotham, next to Bruce Wayne. HIs grave has become a Mecca for comic book fans everywhere. They flock from all countries to spit on it, knowing thier saliva will mix with his body and become a part of his genius. Michael Schumacher even drives a Ferrari into the tombstone every Christmas as payback for ruining his career.